The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Saturday, August 30, 2008

When it Rains it Pours!

As I told you in my last entry, I spent a few days revamping my profile on my existing dating sites and opened a few new accounts, as well. Before that, things had become somewhat static, I mean, yes - I tossed out a few of the bad apples and that definitely changed the atmosphere, a bit, but after adjusting to their absence there was literally nothing going on. Then, after posting some new photos and registering on the MOST FUN site, ever, stuff really started happening! I was immediately welcomed to the convivial, new site by the nicest guy, William - cute and tall and eager to meet me, which I agreed to do last Tues. night. Listen to how weird this part is, though...Remember that other time when I was driving out of town and Jimmy texted me and as soon as we said "Good-Bye" we passed each other going opposite directions, on the highway? Well, the same thing happened as I was driving to my appointments, Tues. evening - only this time instead of texting, we small-talked it on the phone for a bit, until he finally came up off the real reason he'd called...surprise, surprise! He wanted to know if I would hang out with him that night. Do you have any idea of how much pleasure it gave me to flat out DENY him? Right about the time I was rubbing his nose in the fact that I was on my way to make the acquaintance of an eligible suitor, we passed each other on the road, a g a i n...bizarre! Anyway - back to the point of the story. It was coincidental that I happened to be heading to a town very near where he, my date, William lived, to have a consultation at a match-making service which I had mistaken for a regular online dating site while ravenously searching for fresh ones, a few nights before. Sucker that I am, I got rooked into going through all the motions with these folks, which included filling out a lengthy online app., a phone interview and now a consultation in their office. As soon as I walked into the place, I knew that this was not going to be a good fit. I got the distinct feeling that this was a service better suited for a higher-end clientele, which I most certainly am not! I looked seriously out of place in my hippie skirt and flip flops. Every girl who worked there was like 7 ft. tall and meticulously dressed to the nines, to put it mildly. I took the mandatory test that they insisted I complete and when the high gloss W.A.S.P. who was my "case worker" sashayed her tight, little ass back into the office where I was waiting, I very quickly assured her that it probably wouldn't be necessary for us to continue this interview...that I didn't want to waste her time. She asked why and I, without hesitation, grilled her about the fees which would apply if I were to become a client, cuz to be very honest, I had no extra money to spend on something like this. She asked if I could afford $100 - $200 a month and I said that I absolutely could not. She left me in that damned office for what felt like an eternity, while she "graded" my test and when she came back in she basically fired me. I was like, "You can't fire me woman, I already QUIT!" Anyway, my consolation was the fact that I still had my date with William, to which I was looking forward - oh bliss! I arrived at the sophisticated bar where we were to meet and called to let him know that I was there, and he said that he'd be along promptly...I jumped and let out shriek when he snuck up behind me, placed both of his hands firmly on my shoulders, and whispered "Hi" in my ear! It was actually kind of funny...guess I must've been pretty zoned out on the televised World Series of Poker to have so completely missed his entrance. As I collected myself, he got comfortable on the bar stool next to me. He was the right amount of tall and he had a pleasant face and a lean, fit body. The thing that I really liked about him was his southern accent, he was born in Texas, after all. He had nice teeth, too. I couldn't believe it when he asked me if that was my Datsun in the parking deck, I was like, "What? How did you know that?" I mean it wasn't like mine was the only car in there, the place was practically full! He just said that he had a feeling - huh! He pulled a lot of funny faces while he talked and while listening to my stories...very expressive. I completely, unintentionally dominated most of our conversation and I'm not sure why it ended up that way. I tried to lead into topics that would give him center stage, but it always reverted back to me and my life. It felt sorta self-indulgent, but he seemed genuinely into it. So, the date went well, we closed down the bar where we met and he walked me to my car where we stood and gushed over how much fun we'd had, he grabbed me up and nervously placed his hand on the side of my face and kissed me, it was a very good kiss, I am particular! Bottom line, I love kissing and especially...being kissed, not necessarily MORE than fucking, but It's kinda like: kissing is to fucking what X-mas Eve is to X-mas Day. I'm always way more excited on X-mas Eve because I'm enthralled by that magical state of overwhelming anticipation of what's gonna happen the next day. Christmas day, however, can be bittersweet, even melancholy, you know, once you've opened all your gifts, it's borderline depressing, all that build-up and then, just like that - it's OVER! Not that getting to that point in a relationship when you have actual sex, is depressing, it's just the kissing stage is still so innocent and feels so good and full of promise and my god! The tension. Plus a date which is punctuated by a great kiss, and nothing more than that, is quintessentially sublime. Every time you relive it in your mind on the way home, your tummy does flips and electricity shoots through your body and out to your finger tips. I just love that! Oops! Where was I? Oh yeah, so once when we came up for air, William asked me if I was embarrassed and I was like, "Embarrassed of what?" it was only then that I noticed there were tons of people getting into their cars all around us while we'd been sucking face. "Oh, that...I don't care about that one bit, you?" he shook his head "No" and we went right back to business. When our make out session had reached it's pinnacle we decided to call it a night. By this time, we were the only people left in the garage, or so we thought. Turns out, a few yards away from us was another couple enjoying a similar crescendo to their own date.

I went home and felt excited about WIlliam, but I still wasn't 100%. What is it with me? Am I incapable of being satisfied with any man, period? Am I simply too hyper-critical to ever find a mate? Well, whatever,'s where the "when it rains it pours" bit comes in. So, I liked William, but obviously not enough to NOT search around like a fiend for other contenders, the very night after our date. There had been this one awesomely cute guy, Christopher, upon whom I stumbled at roughly the same time that William had contacted me and whose profile was missing a lot of critical basic data, nonetheless, I was captivated by his apparent chutzpah and wit and this all came across through very few, but well-chosen words, I was enraptured. It didn't hurt that his pics. were adorable! I was spellbound by his bright, charming smile which produced a prominent dimple in his right cheek, swoon! After engaging in several staring contests with his profile photos, I gave in to temptation and wrote to him. It's funny to me, that during the 13 hours between my initial e-mail and his eventual reply, I could get myself in such a wad, wondering when I might hear back or, perish the thought - that I might NOT. It seemed to take forever for me to receive his first e-mail but when I finally did - I let out an audible "YES!" ( I now do this every time I get a note from him, it's totally out of my control) anyhow, I was ecstatic! Again, his reserved, dry wit captivated me. I laughed so hard when he jokingly confessed to having a one inch penis, "One inch long or wide?" I nervously inquired. There was a pause in our communication which conveniently coincided with my date with William, but in no time we were IM-ing and even turned on our webcams, and NO! There was no nudity involved, it was PG-rated behavior at the worst (a webcam first?) and I couldn't have been more delighted! I liked this guy. By the time we finally hung up, this first night on the webcam, it was 1:45 and I had to get up pretty danged early, the next morning. Normally before I shut down my computer, no matter how much fun I've been having with whomever, I always take one last look at each dating site that matters to me, to see if I've missed anything. This night, I had no desire, I was satiated, so I ex-ed out the IM screen on which we'd been chatting, but underneath was another screen and there was preciously adorable, young and gorgeous, great taste in music Brad trying to IM me, on the same, FUN new, hip site on which I found Christopher. Dilemma!!! He is so cute, should I be greedy and deprive myself of much-needed sleep just to mingle with a man who makes no sense for me or should I do, perish the thought the responsible thing, and hit the hay before I'm rendered useless in the a.m.? I opted to shut down my computer, I hated to leave him dangling like that, cuz he is amazing, but I was content after my convo. with Christopher, for real. This guy had triggered very atypical behavior from me, two firsts in one night, not a bad average, I dug it. During the next few days, I loosely kept in touch with William, he was sort of holding the back-burner post, while I focused my energy and attention on cultivating something with Christopher, terrible to admit, I know but that's the nature of the online dating beast. Quite honestly, even though William is reserved about his communication, gives me plenty of space and all, I get the feeling if I said "Boo!" he'd jump right at the chance to be with me indefinitely. He just says stuff that is a touch premature, considering we've seen each other all of...once. I think part of Christopher's allure is the fact that he has self-control, or maybe he's not fully interested, but either way, I like that he's more of a challenge, it's that danger boy element. He's not overly-eager and toooo willing. Keeps me manageably insecure and for whatever reason, that is extremely attractive to me. And on top of all that excitement, Cincinnati Dean keeps hounding me to let him see me on the webcam. I have adamantly reiterated, that I will not go there anymore. But wait, there's more! Long ago in the very beginning of all this ridiculousness, I met a guy, Zach who got all up in my grill about mentioning Anguilla in my profile. He said I needed to stop talking about it cuz I was gonna spoil the secret for everybody else! The nerve of that guy! But, even though I hated to admit it - I did kind of see his point. Obviously, I didn't want him to know that, so I curtly e-mailed him back that I'd eliminated that blip from my profile and asked if he was happy, now. He conspicuously neglected to ever mention it again and after stumbling out of the starting gate, we managed to strike up a startlingly friendly, fairly regular correspondence with one other. He was intelligent and cool, and also a professional but unfortunately he lived in Manhattan, so I never took any of it too seriously. When my membership for that site came due, I opted not to renew, it just hadn't been such a good one, really, and so we lost touch with each other. That is, until about a week ago after I'd recently re-activated that particular account (still not such a good one) and voila! He resurfaced. We exchanged a few "how do you do's" and that was all fine and stuff, but over the weekend while were IM-ing, for the first time, he asked me what I thought about him and me you know like if we were ever to get together (doubtful) and I said, "Well, all I know is that we fought just as soon as we met, but somehow, we're still together, ha, ha!" to which he replied "I know, I think that's a sign" He was definitely putting on way more heat than he had in the old days and he was curious to know if after our many but brief conversations, I had gleaned what it was, exactly that he was looking for in a relationship. I guess I just assumed that he was looking for something at least similar to my ideal romance, which would be to most people, considered a somewhat traditional bf/gf situation. Uhhh...not so. He gingerly threw out morsel after morsel to slowly educate me and even though I wasn't quick to grasp this introduction to his unusual obsession, eventually...I did get it. Turns out Zach can only be happy in a cuckold relationship. Believe me, it took going to for me to fully comprehend this unfamiliar penchant. In a nutshell, he wants his lover in an otherwise "normal" relationship to cheat on him. He doesn't want a threesome, he has no interest in watching her have sex with the other men, he just needs to know that it has happened, regularly, in order for him to thrive. He is admittedly submissive but not into S & M. I gotta tell ya', the whole thing made me say "Huh?". I am a monogamous person when I am in love, I wouldn't dare go out on my lover just for shits and giggles, but for him this would be essential in order for him to find contentment within the relationship. I just couldn't believe that he wouldn't go completely balistic, if his woman walked into his apartment and fessed up to having just fucked some other guy, what man could stomach that? He swears that it has the complete opposite effect on him and that when/if we ended up together and things happened precisely that way, he would more than likely carry me to the bedroom and fuck me, himself. I assured him that if I were ever to partake in such a unique relationship, safe sex would be mandatory for all the obvious reasons but in particular, to spare him the unpleasantness of having to "stir the puddin'" (forgive me!) and he said that he would LOVE to stir the puddin'. Huh...I just couldn't fathom this going out on your bf could ever be palatable in a serious, committed, loving relationship (which is, after perennial golden ring) Needless to say, it took me a minute to get my brain wrapped around the whole notion. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that oftentimes, my break-ups occur when I've become bored or complacent, so I flee because I'm jonesin' for something new and different and since I don't WANT to cheat, I feel it's better to break up before it comes to that. I'm not saying I have been perfect in this regard, there is one tragic slip-up in my romantic past; leading up to our eventual demise, I was TRYING to make a split, unfortunately the other person involved was in complete denial and refused to accept the inevitable and before ties were officially severed, I made a boo boo. Anyway, back to Zach...crazy as it sounds, there was this part of me that thought of the cuckold relationship as being, quite possibly the consummate partnership. Well, at least for someone like myself, who when I finally do fall in love - it's hard and deep, but outta nowhere my short, little attention span can sabotage even the most glittering union. I do the math.

No comments:

Post a Comment