The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Time to Separate the Wheat from the Chaff

Directly following getting an ear-full from Frances yesterday morning, about even contemplating mixing it up with married, soldier boy Jack and for making poor choices in general, I got online to work on the blog but my good intentions were promptly derailed when adorable Roy made his first morning-time appearance, ever. And this time I got to SEE him in the corner of the IM window, broadcasting himself live for my benefit, also a first. He looked very different from his profile pics.. He had a more serious face, really full lips and eyes that kinda sloped upwards, different - I liked how he looked. He had a better build than I'd realized too, massive arms and chest. Anyway we made our way through the prerequisite small talk, during which time he mentioned that he would be going out of town for a week and a half, soon. I asked to where, and he said, Ohio. I was like "Really? Where in Ohio?" and he said, Cincinnati to visit family...Hmmmm...another Cincinnati boy? What are the chances?....Anyway, I knew where this transparent chit chat was inevitably leading, and honestly, if I weren't such a "morning person", I would've skedaddled because frankly, I had tons of shit to do! But he was awfully cute up there on my monitor..."Oh...all right, I'll do it!" Jeez - I am such a sucker! It was obvious that he was already feeling the love so to speak, so I got right to the meat of the day's story and he seemed to be diggin' it, but it was distracting the way he kept looking away at something, his eyes fixing on an indeterminable target. I finally asked him what he was looking at and he said "ESPN" In my mind I was like, "Goddamn! Can't you at least give me undivided attention, I'm working like a dog over here to get YOUR ass off!" Devoted servant that I am, however, I enthusiastically verbally illustrated one glorious sexual scenario after another, despite his annoying fascination with the sports news show and his apparent inability to finish. I was about to throw in the towel when he offered up some ideas to speed up the process which I immediately enacted and - voila! Success! Mere seconds after he was through he made some limp excuse about being beat, and he was the heck out the door. K, Bye...

I spent the next 2 1/2 hours atop my riding mower mulling over all the recent occurrences. I know, this is a complete about-face from my last entry, but here's the deal...I sat on that lawn tractor for 2 1/2 hours thinking about nothing other than all the shit that has been going on with me and my online men and I realized that like a fool, I have been mistaking all their attention for actual interest in ME, the person, when truth be told, all these jackleg suitors are about is getting their rocks off. I thrive on being fawned over and adored and naively overlook the brutal reality that these guys just want me to jerk them off and literally as soon as they shoot their wads, they're outta there. There's no intimacy, no cuddling or spooning afterwards, no pillow talk. They never intend to meet me, as they indicate in their thinly-veiled promises that we'll act out all of these elaborate fantasies in person some day, that's just their way of ensuring that I keep coming back for more. What would be the point in complicating such a sublime situation? They have everything they need coming directly into their living rooms via their computer screens, compliments of me - resident cyper sex slut - and minus the headaches associated with maintaining a regular bf/gf relationship. But here, let me digress a bit...Don't you think it's weird that two out of my current Top Five Faves are from Cincinnati along with my original favorite, Mark? I mean it's not entirely out of the question that these bastards are in cahoots, some way. Could be they're friends or relatives, god knows what - but if that's the case then it feels a little like I may be the butt of a very cruel joke, or maybe I'm the victim of an online gang bang and these guys are just passing me around between each other or something sick like that. I just find it suspicious that they all three have such eerily similar styles of interacting with me. Maybe I'm hyper-paranoid to concoct such a notion, it could be that Ohio men are just bred some fucked up way that they end up mistreating women identically and that they're raised to be the world's biggest horn dogs. I ran the whole synopsis by Frances, cuz I was convincing myself that I have serious issues with paranoia and she seemed to think the whole concept was completely conceivable. Regardless, it's definitely a little strange that out of all the cities in the world, I've had so many run-ins with guys from Cincinnati? No matter, I've decided that I'm not doing it anymore. Oh, and on that note...Did I mention that out of the dark recesses of my black past, Mark reemerged on Friday. I haven't heard from him, outside of a few poignant texts and e-mails since he had his little tantrum and huffed off after reading The Big Ugly. So Friday he texted numerous times and even tried to call once, I guess in an attempt to schmooze his way back into my boudoir (probably some sort of bet with the other Ohio boys) Finally, he said that he was offering an olive branch "Y?" I asked, hopeful that he may profess some deep affection for me and his inability to function properly since he banished me from his life...HA! He answered by saying, "Why not?" Touching, no?

Today seems like as good a day as any to wipe the slate clean of all the schmucks and make a concerted effort to focus my attention on quality men, who fit inside of the dating parameters within which I've been so remiss about operating. There will be no more funny business with any of the three Cincinnati boys, and I've already written a note declining Jack's invitation to have a clandestine meeting, tomorrow - I just can't do it, no matter how tantalizing his offer. I think I'll concentrate on Regular Rick since, geographically, he's the most sensible choice. But I plan on keeping WVa. Scott on retainer, as well - I believe that he would actually be worth a 3 1/2 hour drive. I'm not gonna beat myself up too badly about becoming briefly mired in the darker side of online dating, though. I'll just chalk it up to sowing a few wild oats, how's that? It was fun while it lasted but that kind of behavior has a limited shelf life and my experience has quite obviously reached the expiration date. Fortunately, I've escaped real harm and I don't believe I've hurt anyone. I was merely engaging in pointless but safe sex, basically the equivalent of watching porn to masturbate.

Hey, here's the cool thing...regular Rick called this afternoon and we made a plan to meet for drinks and dinner, tonight. It's like he was reading my mind, like he somehow knew just how desperately I needed to break my dead-end dating streak.

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