The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Friday, August 22, 2008

A-feared For Mah Fool Life

Miss me? I've definitely missed you guys! I've taken the last few days off from writing to close out summer vaycay with my kids (and the random, stray kids who seem to wind up at our house, daily) while simultaneously opening a few fresh online dating accounts as well as revamping my existing profiles with new pics....AND - reassessing my online dating m.o.. Here's what's happened...Last Friday at the end of the day at my new job (as a helper for an independent contractor - rewarding, hard work which I love!) I was talking with my boss and my one other co-worker about the fact that I had agreed to go out that night with Soldier Boy Jack, and that I was scared shitless because I felt there was the potential for me to not make it out of the date alive, for real. I just had no way of knowing how serious he was about acting out all of the kinky stuff that we'd discussed trying together. All I knew was that we'd determined there might be a serious need to implement a "safe word" and what that said to me was that there was the very real possibility for ME to end up in a threatening/dangerous/sketchy/ situation in which I might feel the need to be saved or rescued from a scary, dark uncertain fate resting in the very hands of the aggressor from whom I hoped to escape by using said "safe word". Does that make sense? I told my workmates that if I turned up missing, the police could find everything they'd need, in order to begin the investigation into my disappearance, on my trusty ole Mac - which would willingly divulge all. We nervously chuckled about such a silly notion but it was evident that everyone was truly concerned, mostly ME, of course! I headed towards home and into my weekend - hopeful that maybe Jack would turn the tables and blow ME off this time since I'd been the one to beg off all of the other times. On the drive home I was thinking about how it might bruise my pride a bit, if he bailed out of our tentative date, and I was also worrying about letting him down, once more, if I chickened out again - but screw that, right! Mostly, I was having second thoughts about intentionally causing a collision between the two very different worlds of safe, erotic and satisfying Cyber sex and real live, human interaction. At this point, I had a specific group of men with whom I'd messed around exclusively over the webcam and/or with whom I'd carried on lascivious conversations via IM and over the phone, there was nothing real nor tangible in that seedy fantasyland. It was dependably titillating but always at arms length, so to speak. The only guys I'd ever met in person were the ones with whom polite but interesting conversation was the segue to a traditional, good ole-fashioned date. Here's the thing, because online sex takes place with the safe buffer of space and technology between its participants, I believe it lends itself to more open, uninhibited interactions, folks are more apt to talk about or even perform acts that in real life might feel over-the-top, especially considering they usually transpire between virtual strangers. An added bonus is the fact that online sex is readily available. Normally I don't have to seek out a playmate because most nights, I am propositioned by some eager tool, sometimes several. I can take my pick or not, depending on how I'm feeling at that particular moment. I keep a core group of stopgaps (by now, you must be well-acquainted with this revolving line-up) and rely on them to entertain me in the absence of anything new brewing. Some keep ME on standby, in the hopes that I might safely, conveniently assist them in filling that unmistakable void, should the mood strike. I don't have to put on makeup or get all giddy and nervous, they just keep clambering back for more and it's evidently for something other than my mediocre looks, heh, heh! Shit just happens and then it's done and everybody goes their own, separate ways, it's satisfying and uncomplicated in its purest form. And, it is FINALLY starting to sink in through my thick skull and down into my feeble brain that these are people who I WILL NEVER MEET and with whom I have NO ROMANTIC FUTURE, it simply is what it is. Real live dates, on the other hand, for me at least, are the direct by-product of traditional courting and generally innocent, innocuous flirting and yet, it's on some of these real live dates that I have felt my personal boundaries were breached and I consequently ended up in truly frightening situations in which I was forced to surrender to an indomitable perpetrator. My point is, to the naked eye, the online stuff appears dirty and lewd, which it certainly is, but I've never felt that I was in any danger because of my actions online, even though the element of naughtiness keeps the level of excitement at a fevered pitch. Real dating, starts off all lily-white and pure but has a history, speaking only from my own experiences, of reaching a much more minacious conclusion. Needless to say, the idea of winding up face to face with Jack, the person with whom I've entertained delving into the most elaborately erotic acts that I've ever considered, was prohibitive, to say the least...on many levels. It's easy to talk about doing crazy shit together and at the time, you convince yourself that it's something you might actually not only be able to pull off, but might even thoroughly enjoy. But when faced with the reality that you might seriously have to perform these twisted maneuvers, suddenly it loses lots of its allure and instead becomes a redoubtable prospect. The other thing though, was the fact I had severed ties with pretty much all of my old stand-bys and Jack was the only guy left of my faithful online pervs.. There wasn't really a suitable replacement waiting in the wings, so if I cut the cord with Jack, I was essentially going to be alone...again. All this waffling back and forth wound up to be a complete waste of energy cuz immediately after I plunked myself down in front of my computer, I was instantly contacted by Jack and he quickly blamed being in a mad panic to vacate his home as the reason for postponing our date, that night. He acted like he needed to be out and about doing god knows what, in preparation for his hasty relocation. I think I may never have been soooo relieved in all my life! "You're not upset are you?" he sweetly inquired. "Heavens NO! You go do what you have to do" If I hadn't been typing, I would've high-fived myself. Plus, now I felt free to peruse my favorite sites unhindered because I figured there would be no chance of him spotting me on the various sites on which our paths usually cross, thus eliminating the opportunity for him to monopolize my valuable time with his antics. I buzzed around from site to site during which time 2 of the three Cincinnati boys simultaneously tried to IM me on different sites. I was shocked and I'm proud to say that I answered - neither. But I also noticed that every time that I visited this one particular site, I came across Jack and each time I discovered that he had logged in more recently than the last time that I'd seen him hunting around. This gave me pause, because hadn't he dumped me for the night to sort out all of his separation issues? And yet here he was galavanting around the internet looking for, I supposed, some new hottie. It wasn't like my feelings were really hurt or anything stupid like that, but more that I felt the fool for falling for his "You are the only woman I talk to" sham. Turned out, he was just as shifty and insincere as the rest of 'em. K, so along with the Cincinnati boys, Jack was officially kicked to the curb, which left me with, one to play with. This was my motivation to post new photos, which meant actually snapping new ones and so I did, immediately. I joined a couple of new dating sites, one of which I absolutely LOVE!!! It's the most enormous collection of my type of guys that I have ever run across, real quality men! Not to mention, the site is hip and witty and cleverly fun! In fact, by Tuesday night I had already gone on a date with a great, new guy who lives only an hour away from me (more on that, later!)

The good news is, that for these last few days - following my profile updates and new memberships I have tapped into a whole new world of fresh faces and possibilities, including a new online sex buddy and let me assure you, he is 100% bad-ass! (More on THAT, later too!) It feels a little bit like I'm starting fresh, you know? I'm amazed that simply posting a couple of new photos on my existing profiles has generated so much attention. The timing could not be more perfect, either. My immersion into these new sites has definitely kept me immune from relapsing back into the questionable relationships in which I was previously entangled, and from which I have managed to (at least temporarily) extricate myself.

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