The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Like a Kid in a Candy Store

Saturday afternoon, after I'd recovered from the bit with Leo, ('nother bullet, successfully dodged, I'm happy to report!) I went back to my computer and was agog at the enormously deeelicious selection of men, parading themselves around my favorite dating sites! First, there was soldier boy Jack with his reserved smile, upper lip like the letter "M" and eyes which bravely tried to conceal a vague sadness. I liked the photo of him in his fatigues, his Army issue t-shirt clung to his strong chest and was tucked into camo pants perfectly set about his trim waist, it was cute that his belt buckle was slightly off-center, I wondered if he'd done that on purpose. Jack was 31 but seemed younger, he had a collegiate-like manner about him, politely coy but not bland. I almost believed he could have been calling me from a fraternity house, or something. He ended our conversation abruptly, fussing because his dog had just pooped in the house, rats! I didn't want to be finished talking to him! I wondered if the dog really did poop or was this perhaps a sneaky way of getting out of having to continue what I suspected he thought was a boring conversation. After all, we hadn't talk about much, really and we never digressed from our careful small talk into the seedy sex jargon so typical of online flirting. I liked that he came across as fresh-faced and scrubbed, pure-ish, AND he lived fairly close to me, so that was a bonus, if we ever did decide to meet! My consolation for being ditched by Jack was Neil. He was a professional comedian or comic (what's the difference, anyway?) After a few rousing e-mails we decided to talk on the phone, which we did for almost 2 straight hours! It was really amazing, he did the craziest shit with his voice, seriously sounding like about 15 different people during our conversation. I laughed so hard the whole time, that my face muscles were cramping all the way around to the back of my head, I thought he was the cat's pajamas! He talked about sex and junk but it was all so hilarious, he didn't take himself or any of our discussion too seriously and though he was being brutally honest about stuff it was evident that he wasn't trying to turn me on, either, it was slyly informative and his presentation was original, I thought he was a stitch!

All right, so after hanging up with Neil I REALLY had to get back to my chores, I simply could not fritter away any more of this glorious summertime day on potential paramours - I HAD to get more tasks under my belt before setting out for the evening with my good girlfriend, Beth. She and I had planned to meet at the adult video store (my favorite toy had recently died and I was in dire need of a suitable replacement) that way I could park my car and hitch a ride with her, (our designated driver), into a neighboring town to scope out the action at a couple of fun bars. Wait...What was this? Was I actually considering swapping my nightly routine of plunking myself in front of my computer for hours and hours of guaranteed, satisfying online mingling, for the predictably disappointing bar scene? Oh, what the hell - if nothing else it would be a good opportunity to catch up with my friend, besides, Beth, unhappily married and fanatically participatory in traditional night life, assured me that we would have a blast!

Uhhhh..........Let's see, how do I put this? a nutshell, Beth's and my night out on the town.......SUCKED SHIT!!! It was painful to travel from bar to bar searching in vain for a good time. With each unsuccessful attempt I could feel Beth's hope fade, I didn't care so much about not meeting anyone, more that I was missing possible opportunities at home. All of this effort was definitely not worth the nuisance of having to put on make-up and heels! Not to mention that I spent way too much money, barely spoke to anybody, and got home too late and bleary-eyed to poke around on my computer, humph! Frankly, after such a disheartening promenade, I didn't care if I never set foot in another bar as long as I live. You know, I just have no idea what to expect when I'm out on the town, it's way too unpredictable. Some nights I might flirt my ass off, dance like crazy or even, perish the thought...end up hooking up with someone! But lots of times there's absolutely no one interesting to talk to or the guys I think are hot, aren't interested in me, at all. Conversely, online dating - tried and true, has rarely let me down, well purely from an entertainment standpoint, that is. I know I bitch about the slow times and all, but honestly, I often wish for a little more down time so that I might get caught up on my sadly neglected blog. I commonly have two or three entries at one time, swirling around inside my head, and out of all of those ideas, usually only one makes it to paper, before I have a whole new pile of juicier stories taking precedence over the remaining lot. I was talking recently with someone (online, naturally) about how the shift from traditional dating to computer dating has become somewhat commonplace, anymore. Think about it, and we've gone over some of this before, but behind the safety and protection of my computer monitor, protected by the fortress of my own abode and clad in the armor of my profile, I have the ability and the (pseudo?) confidence to talk to tons of guys most any time I get online. Out at bars and clubs, intimidation and uncertainty can sabotage the entire outing if the vibe is questionable or the pickings slim, plus I am shoulder to shoulder with my immediate competition. In my house, I am the only woman vying for the attention of the men with whom I communicate. That's not to say that I am necessarily the only girl they're talking to during that particular session but at least I don't have to see my opponents and it is much easier to be sure-footed if I can pretend that I am the only girl in a room surrounded by eager admirers. I am not as much of a fool as you might think, though. I know these guys are players, we all are! Lord knows I've been guilty of juggling three sometimes four conversations simultaneously. Once in awhile it's nothing short of serendipitous though, each convo. staggered so perfectly that I'm able to give sufficient attention so that none of the participants is the wiser. I have flubbed only a couple of times by typing in a response to the wrong recipient, whoops! That's a little embarrassing! Last night, however, I was being IM-ed by several hotties at once but wound up devoting all of my energy to one young man, Roy, who loves for me to type him fictitious bedtime stories about what it would be like if we met in a public park on a bench or at his office, let's say. Last night's tale rambled on for no less than an hour and in the process of verbally but inaudibly leading him to that special place, I was forced to leave a few beaus dangling.

I delight in the opportunity that online dating provides for me to check out so many more people than in a real life meat market, I can weed em out faster, be selective, there's no need to settle when there are so many choices. By the time I actually meet someone to whom I've been talking, if it comes to that, it's far less awkward, cuz we've already gotten to know each other a bit, which definitely trumps the awkwardness of the standard blind date. I can come and go with days even weeks in between communication with someone and usually no one gets their nose out of joint since there are so many replacements; fall-back guys and gals and that constant stream of new blood. This all goes back to my theory that folks may no longer be in a such a huge hurry to lock each other into committed, physical relationships, fucking around online is satisfactory enough, complete with safe even titillating, guilt-free sex, although my best friend Frances considers me something of an online "pro" and that I should be charging a fee to get all of these guys off, HA! Doesn't she realize it's reciprocal, least a little bit, most of the time, right?

Curiously these days, I am the most content I've been in eons in regards to men and relationships, seriously! Thanks entirely to my casual, online escapades, I no longer suffer from crippling heartaches, and debilitating stomach aches so prevalent in my real life relationships. If a good one or two fall by the wayside, I simply tap into to the wealth of potentials and stand-bys at my disposal and lightheartedly chase the next lead. I liken it to my blog entries, sometimes before I have the chance to get a humdinger written, a more glittering golden nugget crops up to 86 the one I'd originally thought to be so spectacular. I rarely remember which stories were usurped by their subsequent victors, just as I painlessly, permanently delete those guys who vanish from my ever-changing line-up.

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