The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Thursday, August 14, 2008

Top Five Faves!

Oh my god, this week has been such a cluster fuck! Between taking care of my kids, plus a few of my friends' kids, the seemingly never-ending yard work, and then filling every other spare moment messing around online - I can't tell if I'm coming or going (no pun intended, heh heh!) Through my recent online dating windfall, I have amassed the most incredible collection of great finds. I feel like I should hang up an "Out to Lunch" shingle just so I can process all that is transpiring, dole out ample attention to my faves, and get caught up on writing about everything! I resist reading new e-mails, looking at new profiles or opening my IM window, I can barely keep track of my growing list of favorites, as it is. Wanna hear about my Top Five?

After tucking in Roy (my cute, young market analyst and...a Top Five Fave) with one of my elaborately detailed bedtime stories, Soldier Boy Jack found me again for the first time since our lukewarm, maiden conversation, last Saturday and, man - did things heat up! This guy is definitely NOT the boy scout that I had him pegged to be! He is bar none, the most sexually diverse human with whom I have ever been in contact. Looking at my own sexual history, I realize that it has been only during these last four years since my divorce, that I have developed such a voracious appetite to fornicate, I've never been so horny in my whole entire life, as well as eager to entertain (most of) the myriad sexual methods and opportunities that have become newly at my disposal. I am way more comfortable in my skin these days, than I ever was as a young person, and I have learned that feeling relatively confident about one's naked body is tantamount to confident interaction with a lover. When I was a young adult, still very wet behind the ears, sexually, I had zero self-esteem, hated my body (what I wouldn't d to have it back now, sniff!) and even though I hooked up with plenty of guys, it was consistently hollow. There were only a handful of partners with whom I actually improved my scanty skills. Then during my marriage, I basically took a ten year hiatus from having sex. Yes, we did have sex to procreate, but outside of that, we barely ever did it and when we did it was dreadful, I think we may have had oral sex, once, maybe twice. My libido has been steadily climbing to unprecedented heights since I flew the coop however, and I feel fortunate to be able to continue dabbling in a wide array of exploits. That being said, when I juxtapose my resume to Jack's, mine pales in comparison - Jesus! Some of the stories that he casually recounted for me were practically inconceivable! Curiously, rather than being repelled, I was overjoyed to discover a whole library of sexual techniques previously unfamiliar to me. Even weirder was the fact that no matter how bizarre and way-out Jack's experiences, just hearing about them got me more turned on than I think I've ever been in my whole life. I'm sure I've made a similar declaration before, but this time I REALLY mean it, I swear to goodness! He puts these elaborate scenarios in front of me and I take them and run with them, I have masturbated like 3 times a day since I've been talking to him, and let me clarify; by "talking to him" I mean chatting online only, we have yet to talk on the phone, text, or view each other on the webcam - ya gotta love the power of the written word!

Top Five Fave Dean crept out of hiding the other night and interrupted my provocative dialog with Jack, I was powerless to resist his touching adulation, sincere (hope, hope!) or not, it melts my heart! I flipped back and forth between these, my two FAVORITES - until Dean asked if he could see me on the webcam. I reflexively said yes but that it would have to be just to say "Goodnight", I had a really early day the next day. Dean's delectable image appeared on my screen, I slid my arrow over to the T.V. icon preparing to oblige him as well, nearly clicked..uhhh...oh shit! "If I turn on my webcam, Jack will see the "view my webcam" invitation beside my acct. info and I will be so busted!" As badly as I wanted to indulge myself and Dean in a visual rendez-vous, I could not betray Jack like that. What the hell? I could've continued written conversations with them both but the frickin webcam would be a real hiccup, I couldn't put Dean off forever. What to do? At that very moment Jack closed his window (did I mention that he is unhappily married?) most likely his wife was harassing him for being online and even though I had no idea how long he'd be a.w.o.l. I suspected that he'd probably be back pretty soon looking for me. I guess I could've quickly gotten on the cam for Dean, and hoped that we would get it out of our systems before Jack got back online, but the chances of that happening were slim to instead I typed to Dean that one of my kids was up, and that I had to go, but that I would be back later on. I paced around my studio, trying to determine my options and all I could come up with was that I should just call it a night and explain to both through e-mails in the a.m., that I fell asleep while comforting my agitated child - seemed feasible, no? It was terribly difficult to shut both of them out like that, but this time I was convinced that greed would've bitten me in the ass, hard! I really like both of these guys and I just couldn't risk alienating one, or both of them.

Another of my Top Five Faves is Scott from WVa.. I think I told you guys about him a few entries ago. He is a tall, drink of water, looks like a professional baseball player and bears an eerie resemblance to my original Fave...Mark. He seems grounded, responsible and an involved, doting parent. Oh, and he rides an incredibly beautiful black, '07 Harley Nightrod (not typically a Harley gal, but this thing does look pretty sweet!) We've written to each other a few times, and I knew that he was going to be out of town for a couple of weeks - so I'd held off bothering him about getting together, until a few days ago, which was right about the time that I thought he'd have returned home. I wrote and wished him Happy Birthday, and reminded him that I would definitely like to meet him out sometime, if he was in the neighborhood (he lives pretty far away but visits a friend who lives fairly near to where I live, from time to time) which he still seemed hep to doing, oh goody!

Finally there is Regular Rick. This is the guy who Frances encourages me to pursue, and the guy who, out of all of my Top Five Faves, I have the least interest in actually meeting. He is the one whose phone call I won't answer if I'm playing with my other more interactive fellas. I dunno, he seems too safe or something. And maybe after I get all of this crazy behavior out of my system he will be just the type of guy I'll be seeking. But right now, I am too intrigued by my bad boys to put him at the head of the pack. This is where Frances absolutely loses patience with me, perplexed and frustrated by my foolish decision to put inappropriate choices; married men, men who live too far away, or ridiculously young men - in front of a guy who actually makes sense for me. I get that and all, but maybe I like the notion that I can have loads of fun with the ill-suited dudes, essentially eliminating the chance that they would make demands on my new-found, precious freedom.

The way I see it, I have pretty much all of the bases covered right now, but believe me...I know how suddenly the pendulum can swing in the opposite direction, at the moment though, I'm savoring this incredible balance that I've been so fortunate to acheive.

Roy is my fun, little boy toy, who works himself into a lather while listening captivated, to my fabricated stories of gratuitous, imaginary sex together. I am proud to discover that I am capable of using mere words without benefit of an actual image, to bring a person intense, physical pleasure, much the same way Ryan used to use his cleverly poetic methods to take me to that same special place.

Jack is my sexual swami, teasing me with the promise that together we will one day act out any number of the fantastical methods of sexploration which he touts. The jury is still out as to whether we will in fact consummate our desires, in the flesh some day. I know it literally CAN happen, he is definitely willing. I guess it just depends on me accepting the ultra-uncool idea of becoming someone's mistress, as well as gearing myself up to participate in some pretty fucked up sexual acts. Frances vehemently urges me to decline Jack's invitation, having herself trudged through a damaging extramarital quagmire. To mess around with a married man, (unhappily married or not) would be imprudent and I'm not convinced worth the potential backlash, no matter how intriguing the carrot that Jack dangles is.

Dean stubbornly refuses to admit that he really has no intention of ever meeting me in person, he lives 5 hours away and is still married, so what would be the chances much less the point in meeting anyway? We could never continue to see each other on a regular basis. He's so seemingly sincere in his excitement to have found ME, his ideal woman, the one who could potentially rescue him from his marital misery, that he can't wrap his brain around the undeniable reality that we will never actually meet. He is an enthusiastic optimist and it is nothing short of sweetly endearing, I just eat it up, and when we're chatting and viewing each other on the webcam, when we're "together" - I really do believe his earnestness. I love to gaze at his gorgeous, angular face, turquoise eyes glinting, dimples produced from his shy smile that reveals a genuine happiness to be spending time with me.

Scott is really the most realistic choice out of the group, that is if you don't consider the 3 hour geographical obstacle between us. He's dangerous enough to hold my attention but offers the true characteristics of a longterm boyfriend. Plus we are at similar places in life, which I rarely find in the guys I meet online; he's divorced, has kids and with him it would feel silly to tinker with diddling each other online. Nice!

And finally, there's Rick; fun enough to keep me entertained on the phone, lives nearby, good body and apparently totally normal and safe, snore!

If I had to predict, I would venture to say that by Wednesday of next week, the whole line-up will be dramatically different, what do you think?

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