The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Hmmm....Haven't Heard This One Before

Saturday morning after only about 3 hours of sleep, I dragged my weary ass over to my studio, to check on business. The night before had only produced one seriously intriguing new contact, Dean, but there were obvious drawbacks to getting involved with him; he lived so far away, with his wife still, and he was the type of guy that I could easily "fall for". The situation definitely harkened back to my Mark catastrophe, and I told myself if Dean and I were to continue to communicate, I would need to try and remain emotionally disconnected and just enjoy it for all that we could ever actually be sex buddies. But just a leetle while after getting my computer warmed up, I was inundated with e-mails and IM's from an array of delicious dudes, and as hard as I tried to walk away from my computer and get busy outside in my neglected yard, I couldn't resist investigating all of my new leads. Oh goodie! One man, Leo, from Washington D.C., 34 years old, half Italian half Turkish, fairly attractive, ridiculously wealthy and not married (so he said) e-mailed me and we quickly got into a captivating conversation. He asked me what it was I was looking for through online dating. I answered with my patent reply (which I hope I really do believe), "The final, truest love of my life, my forever boyfriend" I then asked him the same, to which he responded by saying - in so many words, that he was looking for an attractive woman to have sex with, regularly, not really looking for a girlfriend, per se, more like a fuck buddy. He then asked me if I had any interest in "applying for the job". He asked me what my expenses were each month and I told him that I always owed a lot more money than I generated, he laughed (lol). I was still trying to absorb what it was, exactly, that we were talking about, here. I mean it sounded to me like he was offering to pay me if I would agree to have regular sex with him...Yep, that was precisely what he was saying, there was no mistaking it - cuz Leo did not mince words, lemme tell ya - this guy cut right to the chase. He asked if I was on birth control - "Yes" - good. Next, he asked if I would be able to commit to having sex with him 2 - 3 times a week and if so, how much money did I think would be reasonable payment. I was like, "Uuhhhh.....I couldn't accept cash from you or any other boyfriend, in fact if we ever went out on a date I would offer to go Dutch treat." I was so confused, hadn't he heard me say that I was looking for a BOYFRIEND? He was rabidly persistent, acting like he couldn't take no for an answer and then suddenly, completely out of the blue, he said he needed to go and he closed his IM screen, hmmm...I couldn't help but wonder if his wife had just busted him, hee, hee! Maybe he'd grown so frustrated with my ambiguity that he had to bolt, or...maybe he just had to go potty, really badly! Regardless the reason for his hasty withdrawal from our provocative tete a tete, I was kind of glad to be off the hook for a minute, and not have to discuss it with him for now. I had a hunch that he'd be back though, so in the interim I tried to digest all that he had said to me. I extricated myself from my computer chair, and set about tackling the chores that I was determined to complete on this Saturday with no children at home. I tasked away but kept festering over this conundrum. I'm going to be completely honest with you here, there was something borderline enticing about his proposition. I was all alone in my house and yard, working for hours, mulling the whole thing over, trying to comprehend all that he had said. It didn't seem possible that a millionaire would choose little ole me, middle aged with 4 kids, out of the pack of possibles as his ideal, sex servant. My brain was going off in about a thousand different directions, at once disgusted by his suggestion and then paradoxically, thinking "He is pretty good-looking, and I am so poor!" I was undeniably attracted to the element of danger, and felt this strange sense of pride over the fact that he'd chosen me. What if he turned out to be an incredible lover? And what if we wound up falling in love against all odds? I got kinda lost in this extreme, perverse fantasy that was unlike any that I'd ever concocted before, and for whatever reason, it got me so riled up that I had to go to my room and get myself off - twice.......Wait a minute! Was I actually considering doing this? It was utterly taboo....SNAP OUT OF IT! God, what a dumbass! What we were talking about, here, was prostitution, plain and simple! This was literally NOT an option. Had it really come to this, was I so burnt out on the traditional means of dating online that I was willing to resort to contraband methods? I went back to my computer and Leo was there, as well - trying to find me again. I thought about simply not responding to his IM, but I knew that if I didn't, he'd hound me indefinitely. I reminded him that what I was looking for, was a real relationship, all warm and fuzzy; phone calls for no reason, going to the store together, swinging in a hammock, farting, meeting each other's parents, the whole package, not ONLY the sex, and sex for money, for that matter. He tried to wrangle me back into his ploy by promising me that he was a good kisser and that I would love him, that he would eat my pussy for 5 hours. I began to reconsider...NO I DIDN"T, I'm only joking!

After a sufficient amount of resistance from my end, he finally concluded that I was not the right girl for him, that he was definitely looking for something else...DUH! What perplexed me in the end was why a decent guy like Leo (we'll give him the benefit of a doubt, why don't we) with his money, average good-looks, and moderate charm, couldn't fetch a regular, old girlfriend on his own merits. Was there something so inherently wrong with him, that he had to pay women to sleep with him on a regular basis? Or was he simply disinterested in dealing with all the superfluous fluff that goes along with a traditional relationship? I apologized and so did he and we each wished each other the best of luck in our quests. And it was done. I was so relieved that my sensible head had stepped up to the plate, and ushered my foolish heart back, full circle, to the place where we were when this whole thing started...all alone in front of my computer monitor…and it felt GREAT!

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