The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Pardon My Absence

I am struggling to figure out how to even approach this long-overdue blog. I've tried to write for the last five days and every time, I wind up hating what I see on the screen in front of me. It's overwhelming to me, how much has transpired over this last week. I'm gonna go at this entry in a sort of nutshell format and then hope to get into detail in subsequent entries, how's that sound?

Obviously, I have deviated from my very good intentions to write daily, about online dating, and the reason for that was my swift immersion into the burgeoning romance between Thierry and myself. We jumped head first into a hot and immediate "relationship" and I was optimistic that he really was gonna be "the thing" that distracted me permanently from the need to continue any form of online dating, or dating period, for that matter! I even went so far as to "hide" my profile on the two dating sites on which I still appeared, essentially eliminating the possibility that someone new could turn my head while I was focusing all of my attention on Thierry, that was a huge step for me, and I thought that it certainly must be an indication that I was getting serious about Thierry. Making myself invisible on my dying sites, mandated that I would be virtually out of the online dating loop, and you know what? For the first time ever, that was truly fine with me. Anyway, Thierry and I seemed to hit it off supremely well in so many ways, he was kind and considerate and generous, a great cook and cute, to boot. All of these positive personality traits kind of took me by surprise, lord knows it was not what I was used to in my most recent, horrible relationship with Jimmy. So I found it refreshing and promising. Additionally, we had a palpable physical connection which as you know, is critical if I am to find the inspiration to proceed. I consider it a fundamental necessity if a relationship stands even a shred of a chance for success (as by now, you're probably already aware). So by all appearances, we were heading in a very good direction. The trouble began when he simply stuck around my place for too long. I got crowded and panicky, and very rapidly the tiny personality flaws that he DID possess - became magnified and impossible to ignore. He was somewhat overbearing and insisted on inflicting his mostly unwanted opinions of everything from what kind of butter dish I SHOULD be using, to how I should arrange my freezer, grrrr.... By Tuesday, just a week and a half after meeting him for the first time, I almost couldn't stand him anymore. I had to ask him to leave, even though we were meant to hang out for another whole day and a night. There was absolutely no way I could have stood it for another minute, I felt like I was losing my mind completely. It was probably somewhat cruel to send him packing so abruptly, the way I did - but self-preservation overrode compassion. Literally as soon as he was gone my whole demeanor changed for the better. It was my oldest daughter's birthday and I drove a carload of kids out to the lake where my kids stay with their dad, for a day of frolicking in and around the water as if I were still a child myself, effectually tabling most of my grown-up issues. I temporarily put Thierry out of my mind completely and even sent a few picture texts to Mark, of me sunning in my bikini on the dock, (such a hussy). By the time I got back home again, I was a brand new person - sooo looking forward to a little alone time. Wasn't it just like 5 months ago that I was moaning to my friends about how hard it was for me to be alone, ever? And here I was nearly rabidly reveling in my isolation.

It does frighten me a little bit, that I am capable of such a dramatic about-face. I went from being somewhat head-over-heels, to absolutely repelled by this guy in a matter of seconds, completely without warning. So, without conferring with Thierry, I decided the ultimate outcome of our little fling...that it was now defunct. In the morning, before he had even left my house, I had reactivated my two hidden dating site accounts, and so began the online dating madness, again...

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