The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Friday, July 18, 2008


This is the first opportunity I've had, in what feels like absolutely eons, to just veg out in front of my computer and doodle a little. Can you hear my sigh of relief? And the better news (for me, at least) is that I feel almost as if I have a gloriously infinite amount of time to write about all that has happened in the last few days, in other words, I feel a really long entry coming on...

So, I think the last time we talked, I was preparing for my second date with Thierry, which went swimmingly, if I must say so myself. After he pulled into my driveway on his beautiful, silver Ducati, we spent the whole day together, first just hanging out at my house ("very European", according to Thierry - so far I was on the right track to seducing him, yep) where we partook in a delightful lunch en plein air and then we drove around the gorgeous countryside in my hot, little car, naturally I was trying to impress him by offering up the few great things that I feel are impressive in my little life: I live in a remarkably scenic part of the world, I reside in a brand spanking new gem of a house and I drive a pristine 1972 Datsun 240Z. Next we went up the road from my house to the quaint country club where my kids and I spend many a lazy summer day, where we chatted with a few of my good friends and luxuriated in and around the pool. I wasn't completely sure about how he was feeling about me but I was DEFINITELY diggin' him. I was dying to kiss him...and more. While we were driving home he put his hand on mine, we threaded our fingers together and it sent me into an absolute tailspin. I was just so excited to not be able to find anything wrong with him, well except for his slightly doughy middle, and his unusually long 2nd toes (Turkish toes, as he described them). Anyway, I was thoroughly enjoying the sexual tension that was building, coupled with the discovery that he was a sincerely nice guy with a deeelicious French accent and I loved watching his pretty mouth when he talked, it kind of negated the fact that he had a weak jaw. I am a hyper-critical bitch and it seriously bothers me, but for now, that's beside the point. So, we wound up back at my house and began fixing dinner using the scarce ingredients we could gather (I had been remiss on stocking the larder) and at one point we were both in the refrigerator area and I said something about what a nice visit I thought we'd been having and we were absolutely face to face and he acted like he was too timid to kiss me so, naturally, I had to make the first move. It was insane, you know because it swiftly became apparent that we were undeniably into each other and since we'd been together all day but kept ourselves at a safe distance from one another, when we finally did decide to succumb to our obvious mutual attraction, it was almost as if my entire body was going to dissolve into a goozy puddle on the floor. I just love it when I can completely hand myself over to a man and simultaneously I feel him offer himself up to me reciprocally. It just got nutty from there...the burning onions reminded us that we had been in the middle of fixing din din, but we opted to put dinner on hold for a few and finish the really important stuff, first.

Needless to say, the entire evening was incredibly romantic and I was sure that we were forging a brand new bond with one another, I was optimistic that I was embarking on a wonderful new adventure with a swell guy and that my online dating days were fully behind me...startling, I know. We continued to nurture the blossoming romance til it reached an almost magical crescendo and suddenly I felt myself start to withdraw, just like that. I will pin most of the blame on the fact that we had spent nearly every second together, right out of the starting gate. I could feel intense claustrophobia beginning to sabotage this previously good situation. This overwhelming sensation brought to my attention by an pronounced, new-found need for immediate solitude. Until that point, I hadn't realized that I was capable of being comfortable alone, and here I was, craving my independence. He spent the night which was ok because I assumed he'd hit the road in the morning, knowing that my ex would be arriving soon to deliver my kids. No dice. He lingered, unfortunately…and my kids were subsequently prematurely introduced without any warning at all, to this mystery man. I thought his decision to invade my family time was a bit presumptuous, not to mention - awkward as hell. He didn't seem to have a clue about discretion, but I had no choice but to go along with it. And I guess since we had cleared the hurdle of my kids graciously allowing him to join in on our normal, daily routine - he figured he'd earned carte blanche to just stay in our lives idefinitely. That is when I got a touch freaked out, and to compound my swift retreat, his few but pronounced physical oddities (which I'd tried to minimize in the beginning), were now screaming at me, and I was having a difficulty glossing them over anymore. It definitely didn't help that I was learning now about another angle of his personality that would never gel with mine, he is kind of a know-it-all and he didn't realize the fingernails on the chalkboard effect that his meddling and bossiness had on my psyche. I will never let anyone tell me what plants I should put in my gardens, and I refuse to let a virtual stranger take over a creative project that yes, may be taking me awhile to complete, but damnit - just leave me alone...I'll get to it! It doesn't bother me that I'm slow in completing certain tasks, why the hell should it bother him for chrissake?! Ok, so you can probably sense my dismay from having suddenly traded utter amorous bliss for suffocation. A malignancy was rapidly growing at the center of our union and there seemed little hope for recovery.

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