The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Sunday, July 27, 2008

Check This Out!

Ok, so I still haven't finished the entry I started on Friday and I will get back to that one in a minute, but first I have to tell you about yesterday, Saturday...Ok, Friday - I was back in touch and all hot and heavy with Mark, again, and we made a plan to meet on the webcam, sometime on Sat. since his live-in girlfriend was gonna be gone for the day and my kids were with their dad for the weekend. I was already giddy with anticipation for our "date" because for one thing I never get to "see" him anymore, since every time he contacts me he's at work with no webcam, ugh. Next, I got a text from Jimmy, (the ex-beau who treated me like shit but whom I've also never quite gotten over) asking me if I was going to the Steam & Tractor Show at the Fair (we went there together last year and it was a hoot!) I texted him back that I wasn't. He asked if I wanted to go with him I quipped back that it seemed to me that escorting him about town would fall under his new girlfriend's job description, not mine...He asked me if he could stop by and see my new house and I told him I was driving out of town right then but tomorrow would be fine and literally the moment I got his text saying "ok" we passed each other on the highway, it was a little spooky. Anyway, I was already getting the stomach ache that accompanies any contact with Jimmy, it's a combination of nervousness, excitement and dread, lovely.

I did my thing in Round Hill, which was good...met an old friend from Richmond at a Bluegrass bash and we began ironing out the details for getting together regularly to start playing music, again. I was so stoked, I haven't sung in a band in like 16 years. Went home and got on the computer, as is my want. I got talking to the smokin' hot 26 year old pilot from Fla. who was to be flying into Dulles on Sat. night and who wanted me to come see him at his hotel, uh huh...And next thing I know I was being IM'd by Ben and another guy who I'm not really all that interested in but it was certainly a fun flurry of activity on a Friday night and I did it all in my jammies plus it didn't cost a thing, love that! All right, so Saturday rolls around and I'm cleaning my house like a mad woman because I want to impress Jimmy, not even so much because I want to try to lure him back into my world but more because I want him to see what the fuck he gave up, you know like rub his nose in it a your heart out, asshole! But at the same time I'm worried about what might transpire when we see each other. Every other time we've gotten together after having been apart, we always end up doing it and inevitably it's incredible, like we were starving for each other and we couldn't fill the void fast enough. I must say sex with Jimmy after a prolonged separation was unlike any I've ever had before or since. We would practically devour one another! But I wasn't sure if that would happen this time, he is seeing someone, after all and I am not nearly as desperate to have him back in my life, as I have been in the past. Quite honestly, I am far too poor these days to hang out with Jimmy. Back when we were dating I practically kept two, separate, fully-stocked households, always paid for dinner out (he bought me dinner twice in our whole 15 months together, we probably averaged 4 or 5 meals out a month) took him away on vacation, spoiled him like a child at Christmas...What I wouldn't do to have just a sliver of the wad of cash I hemorrhaged for that A-Wad. Oh well, hindsight...

Jimmy arrived at my house while I was working in the yard in a bikini in the blazing heat, a shiny, slippery layer of sweat slathered all over my whole body (heh, heh!) I showed him around the house, which he couldn't help but like, and then offered him a yummy lunch which he weakly tried to refuse but couldn't effectively pull off, since he clearly considers me somewhat synonymous with food prep., (Pavlov's Dog syndrome, I guess - ding, ding!) We sat on the porch and got caught up. It was encouraging to not feel attracted to him, I don't know what it was, he looked too skinny or weak or something, plus he'd shaved off his goatee so he didn't look like the devil anymore. I am delighted to say that I was really (for the first time ever!) not feeling it for Jimmy. And don't you know I just loved spinning all my online dating yarns for him, I felt confident and strong and totally safe. I'm still not sure how he was feeling, he was somewhat apologetic about how horribly he had treated me during our time together which I appreciated, and I couldn't tell if he was trying to subtly segue into the idea that if we were together once more he'd do better. He dropped little hints that indicated he might not mind if we tried again but nothing of any real substance, and quite honestly since I had no interest in pursuing reconciliation, I let them all slip right by me. He gave me a hug before he left and startlingly, I felt nothing, not even a minor tremor of our classic, undeniable physical magnetism. You have no idea how monumental an accomplishment this is for me! I really believe now, that I may be...OFFICIALLY OVER JIMMY! He left and I experienced no stomach ache, no pangs of disappointment, nothing but straight-up joy!

I was beaming as I made my way to my computer where I found my online lover, Mark in a panic to find me. It took no time at all for us to get things going in our classic fashion, and this time I got to see HIM...He has these blue eyes which glow and two scars under his chin and he always has a sort of grouchy scowl on his face, lips tightly pressed together but not pursed. Anybody who knows me well, understands how important a good nose is to me - it is essential. Mark has "the nose". I love his face. I want to kiss his mouth so badly my whole body is turned inside out by unyielding frustration, it feels like a physical tantrum, silent - but debilitating....

So there we were...finally peepin' at each other. I felt so nervous, like I was 12 years old - silly, I know - but how wonderful to still be able to harken back to days of innocent crushes and butterflies in the tummy. We small talked our way into a little strip tease and mutual self-pleasuring and suddenly mama wasn't feeling 12, anymore...The crazy thing about Mark is that he consistently convinces me to do pretty much whatever it is that he wants to see me do, no matter how off-the-wall, because it feels really good and I absolutely love how into it he gets. It's bizarre behavior, I know, but I feel totally safe with him. I believe that he would never exploit my trust.

It's always bittersweet when he finishes, I'm satisfied and proud because I have taken him to that ultimate happy place, but it also means he has to go get cleaned up and mentally prepare himself to report back to domesticity with his woman. My favorite thing he that he said to me, during our little escapade, yesterday was "You are so my type" I'm not really sure why I liked that so much but it puts a smile on my face every time I think of it.

I took a little break from men, for awhile, to work in the garden knowing that I wouldn't hear from the pilot for hours still. When I came back to my computer I did in fact have a message from the young pilot. He was delayed at JFK and it looked like he'd be pretty late getting into Dulles, but he wasn't bagging out completely. Said he'd keep checking in to see where I was and if it wasn't too late we might still be able to get together. Simultaneous to e-mailing back and forth with the pilot I was chatting with good, ole Ben whose angle I can never fully figure out. I get the feeling that he contacts me when he's having a dry spell with his other interests. So, I was telling him about the pilot and how I was sort of on retainer while I waited to see if he'd get back early enough for us meet and Ben got all up in my grill about how stupid I was to wait around, that the guy definitely did not intend to meet me, that he was completely yanking my chain, and even though I knew he was probably right, I wanted so badly to end up hooking up with the pilot just so I could thumb my nose at the self-righteous jerk! In any case, I knew if the young pilot and I were gonna get together it would be no earlier than say, midnight? And I was looking for some trouble to get into in the meantime.

Ben and I played a little cat and mouse before we actually both agreed to meet each other downtown. It was so funny, cuz neither one of us wanted to be the one to come out and ask the other one and I'm not really sure how it happened but without either one of us particularly being the instigator we wound up going on a date, sort of. I met him at a bar where there was live music and we talked the whole time about our online dating, mostly nightmares, and I wanted the pilot to text me SO BADLY while I was with Ben, but he didn't, rats! We decided to call it a night and Ben walked me to my car and gave me a hug and tried to kiss me which I avoided, and honestly - it wasn't because I didn't want to, he is a GREAT kisser, it was entirely because I knew I was getting a cold sore and I just didn't want to have to explain to him that I had cooties. It actually may have made me look like I had some self-control, I think. Although, he did appear a bit torqued because I wasn't, at least from his angle, melting in his arms, as I always had before. As soon as I got in my car I got a text from the pilot, I was so bummed I hadn't gotten it like 5 minutes sooner, because I so wanted to prove Ben wrong about him...that the young pilot really DID want to see me.

The young pilot and I texted back and forth as I was heading out of town towards Dulles. I even did the responsible thing and stopped into a convenience store to buy condoms. The young pilot from Florida was vividly texting me about how horny he was and how naked he was and that his door was open, blah, blah, blah. And so when I finally asked him to tell me to where it was exactly that I was traveling, he pulled an abrupt, complete about-face. Suddenly he was saying how late it was and that he had to be up at 5 a.m. and all of this other shit, totally contrary to all the schmoozing he'd been doing just seconds before! I was livid, I mean hell - I was already like 20 min. outside of town! Anyhow, I turned my big boat around and aimed it the direction of home, and texted him something curt his reply to which was "Ouch! lol" (Incidentally, have I ever told you how much I detest "lol"? It really gets under my skin!) I left my phone in the car on the charger so I missed his 3 a.m. text explaining that he couldn't sleep and that he had been worried about me driving so far since I had been drinking and all, and how he wanted our first time hanging out together to not be so rushed, which this morning, totally sober and rational, I completely "got". We've been e-mailing all day, he is an awfully fresh, young man, talks pretty dirty to me and he's openly curious about my likes and dislikes. Looks like I won't be writing this one off... just yet.

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