The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Never a Dull Moment

Just when I think things are mellow enough that I might have a quiet moment to sit down at my computer and pen a new blog entry, shit just starts happening all over the place. Things had slowed down, dramatically, over the last few days, ho hum...I chatted with a cute firefighter a couple of nights ago, for a total of, oh maybe about 4 1/2 hours, it was definitely fun, but since he is only 29 and for various other reasons, I honestly felt there was no real potential. He sent me a couple of pics. and although he was cute, the thick gold chain that he wore around his neck, simply wasn't doin' it for me...

Haven't heard anything from the cute young pilot since I upset him by not taking the bait and following up to his last sexually explicit e-mail with the verbal tactics of a porn star, as he indignantly implied I should've. Egads!

The last time I talked to Mark, still my my perennial favorite by a longshot, was a few hours after our virtual date. I texted him to ask if he understood how much I really do like him and he said "it's mutual". I was positively beaming! He's a man of few words and naively, I cling to every single one. Honestly, he probably could have answered me with "doo doo on a stick" and I still would've melted. I truly don't think he comprehends the magnitude of my adoration for him. I wish I could convince him to rescue me completely from all of this online dating shit in which I am so deeply mired. In my estimation there is NO more perfect man for me on this planet, but alas, he IS spoken for and I guess I just gotta suck it up and enjoy it for what it is.

The Maryland video guy contacted me from China where he is filming the Olympics or something. We talked for awhile and it was relatively amusing, I 'spose. He is flirty and fortunately he manages to put the brakes on his untoward comments, never going much further into inappropriateness than that tricky grey area somewhere between cute compliments and full graphic disclosure of perhaps a desire to engage in brutal anal intercourse? Trust me, I've had to tolerate hearing excessively vivid fantasies depicting just that and much more, and it absolutely horrifies me that I am the inspiration behind such blatant lasciviousness, especially when delivered by a complete stranger! So far, only Mark and one other fella, Ryan (and don't worry...I'll get to him a later in the show!) can pull off such licentiousness.

Anyhoo, I got back home from having dinner with friends and fully expected to devote the remainder of my evening to writing my Tuesday entry. There didn't appear to be much action on any of the sites I peruse, I ignored the few e-mails I had received from folks who simply didn't interest me, and so with good intentions to use this downtime wisely, I began to type. But curiosity always gets the better of me and wanting to keep abreast of any breaking news I peeked back at my favorite sites every few minutes or so to make sure that I wasn't missing any tempting activity. At some point I had clicked on the profile of a guy who lives not toooo far away and who bore eerily similar good-looks to my beloved Mark. It was for that very reason that I could not resist contacting him and strangely, when I went to doodle a cute, little note to him I came up completely speechless, tongue-tied. I reckon I was intimidated by his chiseled good looks, his tall, lean body and his reserved, confident grin all of which were represented in a modest but telling collection of photos on his page. This was terribly perplexing because rarely do I find myself at a loss for words (have you noticed?)...I apologized for bothering him since I was struggling so to open up a dialog which was even worth a damn. I'm not sure exactly what I did end up saying, but I think it was something like, "doo doo on a stick" I know it was at least that eloquent. Nonetheless, to my amazement, he wrote back to me! We've exchanged a few notes back and forth and I am looking forward to seeing where this one may end up...

Ok, so after that - things began chugging along at a swift little clip and I was forced to put the blog on the back-burner so that I might focus completely on the plethora of men who were now surfacing. First I was contacted by Lloyd, a guy I used to talk to way back in the beginning of this cyber dating charade and I swear to god, he is the funniest man on the planet! All we had ever done before Tues. night was e-mail each other and inevitably it was a guaranteed rollicking, good time. Each and every one of his letters made me laugh out loud, like hard! I loved his sense of humor, a touch twisted and tinged with a pseudo-colloquial bent, hilarious! Back when we were first talking we tentatively planned to meet midway between our towns, (we do live about 3 hours apart, for chrissakes!) But when the time came to firm everything up, I dropped the ball completely. I just couldn't see the point in even entertaining the idea of embarking on a long-distance relationship no matter how much fun we'd been having, I am way too much of an immediate gratificationist, on a daily basis. Additionally, I do believe there was the consolation prize of a hot, younger prospect on the sidelines, (could've been Sam, the cute 33 yr. old - well, he tells me he's 33 but his profile says 28 - from Bethesda, Md.) Lloyd wrote to me a couple more times inquiring as to why my sudden disappearance and I pacified him with some flimsy yet clever excuse, but I eventually stopped responding to his mail, altogether. I know it sounds mean and selfish, but honestly there is not enough time, most days, for me to devote to the guys who are actually good prospects, so it was nothing for me to let the whole thing evaporate, really. I did miss our lively conversations but I also didn't want to continue leading the guy on. As far as I was concerned it wasn't ever gonna happen. Anyway, Tues. night, he IM'd me and I jumped at the chance to catch up with him, most importantly because I knew he'd make me laugh! We ended up talking on the phone and that was cool because I never pictured him having such a deep and rugged voice, very sexy. The conversation was particularly animated since we were both imbibing and we left it that he would come up here this weekend and crash a party which I am to attend. WHAT?!! It was rousing good fun and all, but I guess I mistakenly let the alcohol compound my famously poor judgement, cuz I'm sure, deep down, that I wasn't really serious about having him come up here, was I? He tried to call me last night and I didn't answer the phone, I could not see the rationale behind perpetuating his pipe dream. I felt bad because out of my selfish desire to enjoy a few good laughs I inadvertently rekindled his fire, which I guess is kinda for real.

Anyway, about the time my Tues. night phone conversation with Lloyd plateaued, I sped up the good-byes because beautiful, blond Ryan chimed in via IM. Ryan has two different profile pictures on two different sites, both of which look convincingly like they were taken of the same guy; a gorgeous young man with bright blond streaks in his sandy colored hair, devilish blue eyes juxtaposed against an innocent, boyish face, skin that looked like buttered toast and a perfectly sculpted body which rounded out the impeccable package. He is substantially younger than I am yet far more experienced and confident with his online interactions than I was, at that time we met. Ryan was the first person to introduce me to the joys of the webcam, impatiently struggling to walk me (self-proclaimed computer dunce) through the process of getting the danged thing set up and when we were finally ready to reap the glorious benefits of our efforts he unveiled his catch...Ryan, now relishing my image on his computer screen and lapping that shit up completely, revealed to me that he, in fact, did NOT have a webcam, WHAT?! It was so totally not fair! Luckily, he sufficiently redeemed himself by offering up a most delectable monologue via IM, for my pleasure and let me assure you, this young man was a fucking poet! I could not believe the rapidity with which his devilishly detailed descriptions of the methods he would use to please me, assaulted my computer screen and rendered my body tremulous and writhing, steadily approaching its ultimate overwhelming crescendo. This webcam business WAS fun. And honestly I didn't even have to get all nakey or anything. I remember telling my best friend Frances (with whom I constantly recount these stories, and off of whom I bounce my online dating theories) about this sitcheeashun; the fact that he wouldn't let me see him, and she unequivocally maintained that this was a glaring red flag! "Oh!", she said, "Well then he's married!" and I retorted with, "No, he told me he's divorced." and I backed up my theory by sharing his tale of heartbreak, the direct result of his ex's indiscretions. "Don't believe him, he's lying!" she rebutted. Well I have to admit, my wheels were turning a bit. Ryan and I met to chat and stuff fairly often and each time he promised that the NEXT time he would have a camera set up so we could savor one another, reciprocally. He also bullshited me regularly about getting together someday to live out, in the flesh, all of these elaborate fantasies that we had concocted about each other. My friend's conjecture effectively supported an air of deception, which I tweaked a bit by hypothesizing that instead of being married, maybe he hid behind those delicious photos because he was actually grossly overweight or maybe he still lived at home with his mommy, or maybe he really did have a woman. I guess it was possible that he really was who he said he was, and that he only told me the absolute truth about himself...but did he seriously not have a webcam? (I doubt it). In any event, I finally got to the point where I refused to let him see me at all which infuriated him every time and in his frustration he'd insult me and finally storm off. But he would continue to skulk around, and every so often, just like Tues. night he'd reappear and do his best to weasel his way back into my good graces. It's always the same old schtick, and I really don't think it's ever gonna work with me again, I mean c'mon, do I really need another webcam buddy! Why would I waste my time with such a self-indulgent prick when the thing that has developed between Mark and me is so supremely transcendent, every other collaboration pales in comparison.

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