The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Friday, July 25, 2008

Let the Games Begin, Again!

I haven't spoken to Thierry since the day he finally left my house. I wrote him a polite but emotionless note which I included in the package I sent to him, containing the many personal effects that suspiciously, he forgot to take home with him the day that I sent him suddenly packing. Naturally I was in a huge hurry to eliminate any collateral, i.e.; reason for future visits. He has since written a few endearingly touching notes to me in French, but no amount of charm or sincerity can resuscitate this doomed romance. I do feel pretty shitty about back-peddling, the way that I did, but what's the point in dwelling on it? I mean, it's not like we were together for months or years and I suddenly dropped him like a hot potato, we weren't exactly in an established, committed, long-term relationship - the demise of which WOULD have deserved more compassionate and heartfelt attention. I hear myself say these things and I kinda can't believe that I am really this maliciously remorseless. I have never thought of myself as being this much of a bitch, but seeing it here on paper forces me to evaluate my behavior, and the conclusion I've drawn, is that I truly can be a horribly insensitive witch.

Today, though, I do not feel like psychoanalyzing nor brow-beating myself. It's Friday (my favorite day of the week) and I'm in a sunny, hopeful mood, so instead - let's have a little fun and talk about all of the craziness that's gotten me back into the online dating mayhem, full-tilt...Almost immediately after becoming "active" again, I heard from Mark. I swear to god, I think I am completely in love with that guy, the very least - completely in LUST! The thing about Mark is, he remains my webcam mentor, my guru. I can tell myself (and him) that I want more, a real boyfriend - a warm body up against mine (preferably his, but we both know that that'll never happen!), and I can feign ennui with our same old schtick, by going off on a tangent with another hot prospect, but truth be told, I find our thing to always be thrilling, and sexy...and whether he means it or not, he manages to make me feel like his queen…convincing me that I'm beautiful, and the only woman who could possibly thrust him into his vivid moments of arousal. Other guys have tried to work that angle with me and it comes across as absurd and lewd. I don't know what the difference is with Mark, I can only surmise that it must be that magical chemistry about which I blubber, ad nauseum. So...willingly, ravenously I have allowed Mark back into my online dating sphere, simultaneous to another old favorite who just last night, reemerged after - I dunno, maybe three weeks?.

Not sure if I've told you about Ben. He was one of the first guys that I talked to online. I wasn't very interested at first, he came across as milquetoast-ish and bland, but a short while after chatting with him initially on IM, I came across his profile on another site and he had posted a most yummy assortment of pictures of himself, which revealed a fabulously fit and tight body. Suddenly he was much more appealing than he had been in simple conversation. Pardon my excessive superficiality, but that's just the way that I is. Since my perception of him was now dramatically more favorable I was way more receptive to the idea of us going out somewhere together, and the next time we talked, we hatched a spur of the moment plan to meet that very evening. I had found a five-leaf clover while I was mowing the grass that day, so I was CERTAIN that I was gonna have some seriously good luck! (My 9 yr. old son told me later though, that the good luck comes ONLY with clovers that have an even number of leaves, huh...) Anyway, Ben and I went out and followed his #1 dating rule which is that when he meets a woman for the first time, it is always for one hour only, which establishes an viable exit strategy if things aren't going so well. If he does wind up diggin the girl however - it prevents him from acting too hastily by jumping into the sack with her, on the first date…whereby giving both interested parties something to look forward to the next time.  ended our date at almost exactly the one hour mark, after standing outside of our cars and kissing...a lot! He is an incredible kisser, and even though he's short - he is so strapping and strong I was literally able to burrow myself deep into his powerful felt so cozy and intimate, even with the cars on the nearby roadway zipping past, one after another. But that was it, we said goodbye and went our separate ways. After that and until we went out again, we would talk on the phone for like 2 1/2 hours at night sometimes. I love it when there is that ease of conversation, and especially when it's late at night, the kids are asleep and I'm lying in my bed, quintessential pillow talk, I enjoy it immensely over the phone but even more so when I can lie in bed and confabulate with my lover. You know - during the whole 15 months that Jimmy and I were together we never talked on the phone for more than 15 minutes, I swear to god, pathetic. Anyway, it definitely felt like Ben and I were off to a good start, I think it was at that point that I hid my profile (on that particular site) for the first time. It was so cute the way that he would text me any old time of the day, just to see what I was doing. It was all very sweet, and I liked the attention.

Not long after that initial, one hour date, I took him to see Radiohead with me - and even though the weather was positively abysmal, we enjoyed the show, and each other's company very much. He's just so damned snuggly! He wrapped himself around me and held onto me for most of the concert. I was in heaven. After the concert ended, we sat in the parking lot, I shit you not, for 2 solid hours, but we made the most of it. Don't you love it in the beginning when the simple act of kissing is still so exhilerating? I am a voracious kisser...I sometimes feel like I could eat the person up, entirely. Anyhoo, we honed our make-out skills for what felt like infinity and didn't care one bit about who might be watching. He dropped me off at 1 a.m. and naturally he did not stay because he still had to drive home and be at work in the a.m..

Ben and I went to the drive-in movie theater for our next date and quite honestly? I couldn't even tell you what movie we saw. We hunkered down in the back of his car and had the most amazing MMS (for those of you who don't know, that is a massive make-out scene, very juvenile, I am aware of that) but we were being juvenile, making out in the back of his car at the movies and getting all the way to 3rd base, ooooh! I gotta tell you though, he was a master at everything he did. I loved his big strong hands, they did everything right! He had me so worked up I don't think there would've been any way that I wouldn't have fucked him, I probably would have murdered him if he had said goodnight without sealing the deal. When we got to my house we couldn't get naked fast enough and yes he wore a condom and yes, it was the first time I have ever cum when I had sex with a condom, that was a pretty significant milestone right there. I found myself in a completely different state of arousal than I had ever known before and I have to tell you what it was that he did that got me there. Do you mind terribly? In the middle of intercourse, me on top, he grabbed the front of my throat with one of those strong but careful hands and strangled me more than just a little. I was never frightened, and I cannot begin to tell you how it sent me into a sexual overdrive of sorts, I absolutely loved it!

He did not stay overnight and that was fine. I woke up the next day feeling like I had a boyfriend. To me it was certainly not just a booty call, I had trusted him to guide me through unfamiliar territory and into a deeper sort of intimacy than I had known before. This was not just some random hook-up, well that's what I thought, at least. First thing the next morning, I sent him a text thanking him for such an extraordinary evening together and he responded promptly with something like "You were amazing!" And that was the last time he contacted me, no texts, no phone calls, until I sent a message asking him if everything was all right, and he snapped back with some flip comment about being occupied with his two girls. Never said he'd get back to me afterwards, never asked how I was doing, nothing, he was fucking icy. I was incensed! Turned out he really was just another asshole, he just wanted to get laid, end of story, I felt like such a boob. But fortunately for me I wasn't emotionally wrangled up in him yet, it was the physical aspect that had kept me captivated and so I wasn't sad, a little humiliated, yes, but not sad - he wasn't worthy of that much emotion. I unhid my profile and determined to write him off completely. As could have been predicted, he did try to slither his way back in with me and I told him in no uncertain terms what a prick I thought he was and how dare he be so cavalier when he should have been falling all over himself to assure me that our liaison had been meaningful to him as well. Strangely, I didn't consider it a complete loss, there was that little trick he taught me in the bedroom...

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