What the Hell am I Doing?!

Yesterday, I committed a heinously irreparable infraction against my favorite boy, Mark. He IM'd me and as usual I was ecstatic. We talked a little and he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was writing an entry for my blog (of which, up until this point, he had been completely unaware), I just blurted it out without considering the potential repercussions. Naturally he was curious about it and after some hemming and hawing, I relented and gave him the link to the site, nervously predicting to him that if he read it it may be the last time that he spoke to me. I waited anxiously to see what his reaction would be, hoping that the artistic/entertainment value would somehow negate the repugnant contents therein. Unfortunately however, I gambled and lost. He basically told me that he thought I was a slut, and punctuated his last remarks with "You are definitely NOT my type, Good Bye".............I just sat there, in my desk chair, in front of my computer screen for what felt like eons, helpless to ward off the inevitable agonizing wave of humiliation, remorse, sorrow and trepidation which were now coursing through every inch of my listless body. I knew that it would be futile to try and defend myself I mean what could I say to even try and make it better? Evidently I had effectively closed the book on the only bright chapter in this otherwise dismal collection of stories, so, silently I slunk away. I've been blown off before by guys I've met online, but I never let it bother me beyond just a few minutes - seriously. I just let it roll right off my back and then I trot on to the next exciting possibility. It was different with Mark, he was the only guy with whom I had established a deep, genuine friendship, which I considered extremely valuable and authentic. To suddenly have him out of my world felt awful. It's one thing to personally suffer the consequences of your own stupidity, I deserved to feel like shit, but judging by his reaction to having learned about my indiscretions, it appeared that I had hurt him, too and that's the part that I hated most of all.

I finally accepted that I had to extract my ass from that desk chair and attempt to become functional again. I galumphed along from task to task my mind never fully engaged in any particular activity. You know how your arms dangle there by your sides and they feel numb and lifeless, like half the blood has been mysteriously drained from your body. There were times while I was driving that I thought I might spontaneously fall asleep - emotional turmoil is physically exhausting for me, plus falling asleep would've allowed me to forget the whole fiasco for a little while, but it also would've caused me to wreck my car, so I forced myself to snap out of it.

I really wanted to talk to Frances (my best friend) but she was incommunicado, still at the beach with no cell service. I needed her analysis of all that had transpired because now I was starting to second guess my very decision to write this friggin' blog at all. I was beginning to think that my frankness might come back to bite me in the ass in more ways than just the demise of Mark's and my deal. In pondering the things about which I had written thus far, I was discovering that I can be cruel and harsh and opinionated and mean. I get the most out of my journaling when I am painfully honest. Sure, I may exaggerate the truth a skosh from time to time or embellish a story to make a mediocre tale more compelling, but in general I tend to wear it on my sleeve. This was brutal honesty at the expense of innocent (?) people though, not to mention - what would be the social repercussions in my own little town, if the truth about my apparent wantonness became public knowledge. I think I am living two very different lives; I spend my adult time wrangled up in my dissolute online dating shenanigans, but conversely I am completely capable of being a responsible loving mother, a devoted friend and a contributing citizen. I have to admit, my boy-craziness does span both of these areas of my life; just as I obsess about men who I bump into online, I can't help but peek down the grocery store aisles or into cars driving alongside me hoping to catch a glimpse of the next hottest guy out in the real world. I am undeniably driven by the belief that my future mate could turn up literally anywhere...But when I am being a mom or a friend or a citizen I don't tread on peoples' emotions with such reckless abandon, why now, through writing this blog inspired by my dating experiences, have I become so apparently cruel and cold-hearted?

I don't know, I guess the Mark incident was a wake-up call of sorts. Was this blog thing such a good idea, after all? Losing Mark was the first catastrophe that I had had to endure as a result of my blog, but was I setting myself up for subsequent disaster? I was nervous that maybe I had irrevocably gone over to a dangerous dark side. One of the reasons I felt it would be safe to share my stories in such a public venue was because I have run each and every experience I've had past my tiny but tight-knit group of friends and although sometimes they do roll their eyes and tsk, tsk me, they never chastise me for my behavior. I figured if my dearest friends could stomach my sometimes downright gnarley anecdotes, wouldn't the general public be able to, as well? Anyway, I did manage to shelf my worries in order to immerse myself in my parental duties for the remainder of the day and at some point in the evening after my sweet children were all tucked in, I had an epiphany. Maybe I had subconsciously wanted Mark to know the truth about all of my questionable antics, maybe I had driven him away because I secretly knew that we were never going to consummate our virtual affair and even though the initial sting of rejection was nearly unbearable, wouldn't it have been more painful in the long run, for me to continue carrying a torch for him indefinitely? I questioned the validity of our bond. Our relationship was based on fantasy, it was make-believe, it could never be real if we could never actually touch. Maybe I had unknowingly protected myself from future heartbreak, because I believe, though I know it sounds absurd, that I was really falling for Mark.

Additionally, I realized how much pleasure I really do derive from composing this silly, little blog, I am almost as addicted to writing about my online adventures as I am to embarking on them, and since I am obviously not too proud to forfeit what little dignity I have left for the sake of entertainment, for now - the blog will continue...

Never a Dull Moment

Just when I think things are mellow enough that I might have a quiet moment to sit down at my computer and pen a new blog entry, shit just starts happening all over the place. Things had slowed down, dramatically, over the last few days, ho hum...I chatted with a cute firefighter a couple of nights ago, for a total of, oh maybe about 4 1/2 hours, it was definitely fun, but since he is only 29 and for various other reasons, I honestly felt there was no real potential. He sent me a couple of pics. and although he was cute, the thick gold chain that he wore around his neck, simply wasn't doin' it for me...

Haven't heard anything from the cute young pilot since I upset him by not taking the bait and following up to his last sexually explicit e-mail with the verbal tactics of a porn star, as he indignantly implied I should've. Egads!

The last time I talked to Mark, still my my perennial favorite by a longshot, was a few hours after our virtual date. I texted him to ask if he understood how much I really do like him and he said "it's mutual". I was positively beaming! He's a man of few words and naively, I cling to every single one. Honestly, he probably could have answered me with "doo doo on a stick" and I still would've melted. I truly don't think he comprehends the magnitude of my adoration for him. I wish I could convince him to rescue me completely from all of this online dating shit in which I am so deeply mired. In my estimation there is NO more perfect man for me on this planet, but alas, he IS spoken for and I guess I just gotta suck it up and enjoy it for what it is.

The Maryland video guy contacted me from China where he is filming the Olympics or something. We talked for awhile and it was relatively amusing, I 'spose. He is flirty and fortunately he manages to put the brakes on his untoward comments, never going much further into inappropriateness than that tricky grey area somewhere between cute compliments and full graphic disclosure of perhaps a desire to engage in brutal anal intercourse? Trust me, I've had to tolerate hearing excessively vivid fantasies depicting just that and much more, and it absolutely horrifies me that I am the inspiration behind such blatant lasciviousness, especially when delivered by a complete stranger! So far, only Mark and one other fella, Ryan (and don't worry...I'll get to him a later in the show!) can pull off such licentiousness.

Anyhoo, I got back home from having dinner with friends and fully expected to devote the remainder of my evening to writing my Tuesday entry. There didn't appear to be much action on any of the sites I peruse, I ignored the few e-mails I had received from folks who simply didn't interest me, and so with good intentions to use this downtime wisely, I began to type. But curiosity always gets the better of me and wanting to keep abreast of any breaking news I peeked back at my favorite sites every few minutes or so to make sure that I wasn't missing any tempting activity. At some point I had clicked on the profile of a guy who lives not toooo far away and who bore eerily similar good-looks to my beloved Mark. It was for that very reason that I could not resist contacting him and strangely, when I went to doodle a cute, little note to him I came up completely speechless, tongue-tied. I reckon I was intimidated by his chiseled good looks, his tall, lean body and his reserved, confident grin all of which were represented in a modest but telling collection of photos on his page. This was terribly perplexing because rarely do I find myself at a loss for words (have you noticed?)...I apologized for bothering him since I was struggling so to open up a dialog which was even worth a damn. I'm not sure exactly what I did end up saying, but I think it was something like, "doo doo on a stick" I know it was at least that eloquent. Nonetheless, to my amazement, he wrote back to me! We've exchanged a few notes back and forth and I am looking forward to seeing where this one may end up...

Ok, so after that - things began chugging along at a swift little clip and I was forced to put the blog on the back-burner so that I might focus completely on the plethora of men who were now surfacing. First I was contacted by Lloyd, a guy I used to talk to way back in the beginning of this cyber dating charade and I swear to god, he is the funniest man on the planet! All we had ever done before Tues. night was e-mail each other and inevitably it was a guaranteed rollicking, good time. Each and every one of his letters made me laugh out loud, like hard! I loved his sense of humor, a touch twisted and tinged with a pseudo-colloquial bent, hilarious! Back when we were first talking we tentatively planned to meet midway between our towns, (we do live about 3 hours apart, for chrissakes!) But when the time came to firm everything up, I dropped the ball completely. I just couldn't see the point in even entertaining the idea of embarking on a long-distance relationship no matter how much fun we'd been having, I am way too much of an immediate gratificationist, on a daily basis. Additionally, I do believe there was the consolation prize of a hot, younger prospect on the sidelines, (could've been Sam, the cute 33 yr. old - well, he tells me he's 33 but his profile says 28 - from Bethesda, Md.) Lloyd wrote to me a couple more times inquiring as to why my sudden disappearance and I pacified him with some flimsy yet clever excuse, but I eventually stopped responding to his mail, altogether. I know it sounds mean and selfish, but honestly there is not enough time, most days, for me to devote to the guys who are actually good prospects, so it was nothing for me to let the whole thing evaporate, really. I did miss our lively conversations but I also didn't want to continue leading the guy on. As far as I was concerned it wasn't ever gonna happen. Anyway, Tues. night, he IM'd me and I jumped at the chance to catch up with him, most importantly because I knew he'd make me laugh! We ended up talking on the phone and that was cool because I never pictured him having such a deep and rugged voice, very sexy. The conversation was particularly animated since we were both imbibing and we left it that he would come up here this weekend and crash a party which I am to attend. WHAT?!! It was rousing good fun and all, but I guess I mistakenly let the alcohol compound my famously poor judgement, cuz I'm sure, deep down, that I wasn't really serious about having him come up here, was I? He tried to call me last night and I didn't answer the phone, I could not see the rationale behind perpetuating his pipe dream. I felt bad because out of my selfish desire to enjoy a few good laughs I inadvertently rekindled his fire, which I guess is kinda for real.

Anyway, about the time my Tues. night phone conversation with Lloyd plateaued, I sped up the good-byes because beautiful, blond Ryan chimed in via IM. Ryan has two different profile pictures on two different sites, both of which look convincingly like they were taken of the same guy; a gorgeous young man with bright blond streaks in his sandy colored hair, devilish blue eyes juxtaposed against an innocent, boyish face, skin that looked like buttered toast and a perfectly sculpted body which rounded out the impeccable package. He is substantially younger than I am yet far more experienced and confident with his online interactions than I was, at that time we met. Ryan was the first person to introduce me to the joys of the webcam, impatiently struggling to walk me (self-proclaimed computer dunce) through the process of getting the danged thing set up and when we were finally ready to reap the glorious benefits of our efforts he unveiled his catch...Ryan, now relishing my image on his computer screen and lapping that shit up completely, revealed to me that he, in fact, did NOT have a webcam, WHAT?! It was so totally not fair! Luckily, he sufficiently redeemed himself by offering up a most delectable monologue via IM, for my pleasure and let me assure you, this young man was a fucking poet! I could not believe the rapidity with which his devilishly detailed descriptions of the methods he would use to please me, assaulted my computer screen and rendered my body tremulous and writhing, steadily approaching its ultimate overwhelming crescendo. This webcam business WAS fun. And honestly I didn't even have to get all nakey or anything. I remember telling my best friend Frances (with whom I constantly recount these stories, and off of whom I bounce my online dating theories) about this sitcheeashun; the fact that he wouldn't let me see him, and she unequivocally maintained that this was a glaring red flag! "Oh!", she said, "Well then he's married!" and I retorted with, "No, he told me he's divorced." and I backed up my theory by sharing his tale of heartbreak, the direct result of his ex's indiscretions. "Don't believe him, he's lying!" she rebutted. Well I have to admit, my wheels were turning a bit. Ryan and I met to chat and stuff fairly often and each time he promised that the NEXT time he would have a camera set up so we could savor one another, reciprocally. He also bullshited me regularly about getting together someday to live out, in the flesh, all of these elaborate fantasies that we had concocted about each other. My friend's conjecture effectively supported an air of deception, which I tweaked a bit by hypothesizing that instead of being married, maybe he hid behind those delicious photos because he was actually grossly overweight or maybe he still lived at home with his mommy, or maybe he really did have a woman. I guess it was possible that he really was who he said he was, and that he only told me the absolute truth about himself...but did he seriously not have a webcam? (I doubt it). In any event, I finally got to the point where I refused to let him see me at all which infuriated him every time and in his frustration he'd insult me and finally storm off. But he would continue to skulk around, and every so often, just like Tues. night he'd reappear and do his best to weasel his way back into my good graces. It's always the same old schtick, and I really don't think it's ever gonna work with me again, I mean c'mon, do I really need another webcam buddy! Why would I waste my time with such a self-indulgent prick when the thing that has developed between Mark and me is so supremely transcendent, every other collaboration pales in comparison.

Lesson of the Day

Today Class, we are going to analyze the fascinating phenomenon of phony profile info..I was reminded of this syndrome of sorts, just last night when a fella I had met for drinks awhile back, tried to IM me, I did not even acknowledge his attempt to reach me. We will refer to him as Markitt, which is his actual profile name, sorry, but I am not even remotely motivated to protect his identity, call me a bitch but I feel he deserves no mercy. Markitt contacted me through IM on my favorite dating site, probably like 3 months ago. I thought he was funny, he didn't live too far away and by all appearances (photo on profile page) he was physically attractive. So we began talking on the phone and eventually agreed to meet somewhere in the middle of our little towns for a cocktail. As the fateful night drew ever nearer, we would talk on the phone to hammer out the details of the big date and giddily gush over our excitement to finally be making each other's acquaintance. I barely noticed him begin to artfully adjust certain aspects of his posted physical description, I guess it came up because we were discussing what we would be wearing and whatnot, so that we might easily recognize each other at the restaurant. I found this somewhat unnecessary since I had a pretty clear and accurate image of him in my mind after studying his photo multiple times and I told him I was confident that I would know who he was when I got there. But then he'd throw in little things like, "Well, that picture is like 5 years old" and "Oh, I dunno, I may have gained 5 or 10 lbs. since then" Still, he would temper these comments by bragging about how much he worked out and stuff, so I wasn't the least bit worried that he wasn't going to meet my expectations. The big night finally arrived and the parking lot at the restaurant where we were to meet was swelling with more cars than I had ever seen there before, so I was thinking because of the enormous crowd, this might not be the best environment to try and get to know a new prospect. I was rethinking our agenda, considering taking our date elsewhere and as I searched for a parking space, I passed this dwarfy little dumpy guy and I knew, much to my chagrin...that he was my date. I was this close to haulin' ass outta there altogether, but he had seen me and as I was parking I watched with dread as he hurriedly approached my car. I cannot even describe my disappointment, I just felt so duped. I mean what was he thinking, that I wouldn't notice that he was fucking FAT? Did he think his charming personality would make up for the fact that he was doughy and a blob? Hard-fucking-ly! But I was locked into this date and best I could figure, I wasn't getting out of it any time soon. We did decide to go up the road to a restaurant where it wound up to be not so crowded and walking up to the place we passed a woman who lives in my town and whom I really can't stand and I was absolutely mortified that she saw me being escorted by such a troll. She's the kind of woman that you want to impress by having a hotter boyfriend on your arm than she has (incidentally, her date was gorgeous! I hated her even more!) I just wanted it to be over, I couldn't understand why I felt the need to perpetuate this misery for one minute more, I guess I was being polite. Even walking into the restaurant, I felt like all eyes were on me and there was a question mark of bewilderment hanging over top of each and every head, it was painfully obvious how mismatched we were and it's not because I am such a remarkable specimen, hardly, I'm average at best! It's just that he was THAT BAD! I could not handle my embarrassment. Nevertheless, we got our drinks and sat down to talk. It did not take long for my frustration to get the better of me and somewhere in the middle of our conversation, I blurted out how irritating it is to me when people are fraudulent about their profile stats.. I said, "Like you, for example, you listed yourself as having an athletic build, HA! I work my ass off to stay fit and I expect that from anyone who is to become my lover, I don't do all this work to end up with some fatass!" I was ruthless and harsh and for whatever reason, he laughed, he did not take offense in fact he vehemently defended the way he looked, again reiterating how often he works out and even going so far as to roll up his sleeves so I might take a peek at his "sculpted guns". It was laughable, there was absolutely NO muscle definition to his flabby, weak arms, I couldn't believe how deluded he was. I finally could not take it anymore, it was frustrating and creepy, he seemed to almost revel in my anger, I suppose he found me saucy and perhaps thought my comments were tongue-in-cheek, NOT SO! I jumped up and told him I wasn't feeling even a hint of a connection and that I had to go now. He tagged along behind me scampering up to my car as I quickly closed myself into the safe haven of my rattletrap Suburban, ahhh. Would you believe that he tried to kiss me through the open window, I was like,"Are you for real? There is NO WAY I would kiss you, ever!" I spun my big boat around right in the middle of that tiny street and hightailed it outta there, what a fucking waste of time. But the jerk was a glutton for punishment because he was already IM-ing me by the time I got home, I did talk to him but only to do everything I could to shut his ass down and assure him that it was the last time without a doubt, that we would be communicating. Amazingly he still tries to contact me every few weeks or so, what an absolute retard!

I endured a similarly disappointing incident with a guy from Richmond, Bobby. His deal was slightly different because he posted no picture on his profile page and the reason he gave for that was because he was married. I know, I shouldn't have even continued our conversation once I found that out about that little tidbit but he swore that he and his wife had an understanding and that he lived in a separate house on their property and that once his kids were grown and gone they would officially split, yadda, yadda, yadda. We started talking because it turned out that we had gone to brother and sister prep schools three years apart and we knew a lot of the same people. We both enjoyed sharing stories old and new about some of the friends we had in common. He loved the fact that I was training to box because he had done martial arts for years and said he still had the physique to prove it, claiming that he diligently worked out all the time, just not in the martial arts. He sounded really good to me so we organized our first date. He willingly agreed to drive up here and meet in a teeny town near my house to pick up lunch and head to an incredibly panoramic setting at a local State Park (none of my friends thought this was a very good idea, they were seriously convinced that he might be some sort of maniac who was gonna dice me up and scatter me around the thousand acre park after he had had his way with me, I poo-pooed the notion!) Kay, so it was like 9 in the morning on one of the first truly beautiful days of Spring and I was elated by the prospect of meeting someone so seemingly perfect for me. I pulled my car into a slot at the quaint gourmet market where we were to meet, and I saw this man meandering around the parking lot. My eyes became fixed on his enormous belly which was draped over the waistband of the his pants, he looked fatigued from having to tote the derned thing around all the time, my heart sank, like all the way to the bottoms of my feet. He noticed me and adjusted his posture, now standing up a little straighter his eyes brightened and a smile crept over his face, goddamnit, it was him. I could not digest the fact that I had to walk into my local grocery with this lardbutt in tow. I KNOW the people who work there, this was to be unabashed humiliation at it's very worst. My friends at the store had prepared a fabulous lunch for me to take on my blind date about which we were ALL very excited! I knew they would understand and share my dissatisfaction with who the intended recipient of all their hard work and my attention, had turned out to be, ugh. There is so much guilt involved in a situation like this, you know, the guy has driven 2 1/2 hours up to where I live and even though I want to be honest from the get-go and immediately give him his walkin' papers, inexplicably I feel obligated to indulge him. He was clearly very excited to meet me which only made me recoil further. Here's the clincher, just when I thought it could get no worse, I looked down at his feet and to my horror realized that his pale, fleshy feet were disgustingly devoid of big toenails! Why he wore flip flops is beyond me. I honestly felt my eyes fill up with water upon making this horrifying discovery. We went to the park and ate lunch and even though he had bragged about how fit and tan (HA!) and outdoorsy he was he seemed to have no interest in hiking through the park at all. Again - flip flops not such a good choice. We decided to take a tour of my place and possibly lay out in the sun a bit, I couldn't think of anything else to do, I felt like I was obligated to entertain him, but I certainly wasn't going to take him anywhere else out in public and risk further social disgrace, are you kidding me? We did end up back at my house and after showing him my studio (where I was temporarily living while my house was under renovation) and the house project we decided to lay in the yard under the big, bright sun. I dry-heaved a little when he unleashed that revoltingly ginormous belly out from under his shirt, I don't even understand what the hell can be inside of a belly so gargantuan and taught that it looks like it could rupture from the pressure of its contents. I just laid on my towel, closed my eyes and slipped into a silent place far from where, sadly, I actually was. And then it struck me, I simply could not lose this glorious Spring day to baby-sitting this bogus bastard! I rolled over, looked directly through his coke bottle glasses and into his nervous, shifting eyes and asked him how he thought things were going between us. He said he thought I was incredibly cute and that he was encouraged by how well it was going. He asked me how I was feeling and I said' "Frankly, I'm not really feeling a connection, I'm sorry for that, but generally, for me, if it's not there right from the start I consider the prognosis, not good. Chemistry cannot be created, it's either there or it isn't." And with that he quietly collected himself and his things and headed home. I quickly eradicated what little compunction I had suffered because in all honesty, I owed this guy nothing! I was ecstatic that I had reclaimed my day after having almost lost it to placating an undeserving sap and you know what burned me up one side and down the other? I had been nothing but painfully honest with him about myself and my situation and personality and my past and he had blatantly lied to me about himself, he had maliciously snookered me with his ruse. Despicable! I did learn a lesson from this unfortunate episode and that is to NEVER communicate with anyone who does not post a photo.

The other thing of which one must be cognisant is that the photo that one sees may not necessarily represent the person being described in the verbiage of the profile. As you know, I typically do not make the first move, I tend to wait to see who may be interested in me and only then will I open dialog or respond to mail that I receive. But I came across a picture of the most deliciously gorgeous man, one night. He was wearing a military flight type jacket, his full head of dark hair cut so closely he was almost bald, in a good way. And he had these intensely serious, dark eyes which consistently beat me in the staring contest, so penetrating, I always had to look away. His profile name was flyguy72, and I was captivated by his look. I went ahead and made the first move, I couldn't resist, he was just too yummy to ignore. I wrote to him, "I don't know anything about your personality but your face is my favorite." and he answered with, "I was thinking the same thing about you." Ah ha! Could be some potential here, I thought! So I asked him about a couple of things he'd mentioned about himself on his outline and I never heard back from him, darn the luck! Every once in awhile I would come across his flawlessly gorgeous mug, his piercing eyes still burning holes through me, but trying to maintain a little dignity I resisted contacting him again. One night I was searching through the droves of faces of available men in my area and I came across the flyguy72 name. The profile name and face were different but the heading said something to the effect of, "Hey ladies, I am flyguy72 and I just want you all to know what superficial bitches you are for only being interested in me because of the photo that was attached to my profile..." He ranted on with his diatribe, obviously furious at all of us gals who had naturally been unable to resist his otherworldly puss. What had he expected to happen? Didn't he put that perfect face on his page specifically to lure all of us to him anyway? I mean truly, who should be pissed here, him or us? He was a fake, 100%! I considered sending him an e-mail to say exactly just that but decided that he wasn't worth the effort. He was just some insecure loser hiding behind a fabricated image pretending to be conducting an experiment about the egregious behavior of women on the man-hunt, when in actuality he was just a below-average-looking guy, who simply did not possess the looks nor the personality to bag a babe without prowling (same as us girls) behind a disguise...so sorry for you, buddy!

Here endeth the lesson...

Check This Out!

Ok, so I still haven't finished the entry I started on Friday and I will get back to that one in a minute, but first I have to tell you about yesterday, Saturday...Ok, Friday - I was back in touch and all hot and heavy with Mark, again, and we made a plan to meet on the webcam, sometime on Sat. since his live-in girlfriend was gonna be gone for the day and my kids were with their dad for the weekend. I was already giddy with anticipation for our "date" because for one thing I never get to "see" him anymore, since every time he contacts me he's at work with no webcam, ugh. Next, I got a text from Jimmy, (the ex-beau who treated me like shit but whom I've also never quite gotten over) asking me if I was going to the Steam & Tractor Show at the Fair (we went there together last year and it was a hoot!) I texted him back that I wasn't. He asked if I wanted to go with him I quipped back that it seemed to me that escorting him about town would fall under his new girlfriend's job description, not mine...He asked me if he could stop by and see my new house and I told him I was driving out of town right then but tomorrow would be fine and literally the moment I got his text saying "ok" we passed each other on the highway, it was a little spooky. Anyway, I was already getting the stomach ache that accompanies any contact with Jimmy, it's a combination of nervousness, excitement and dread, lovely.

I did my thing in Round Hill, which was good...met an old friend from Richmond at a Bluegrass bash and we began ironing out the details for getting together regularly to start playing music, again. I was so stoked, I haven't sung in a band in like 16 years. Went home and got on the computer, as is my want. I got talking to the smokin' hot 26 year old pilot from Fla. who was to be flying into Dulles on Sat. night and who wanted me to come see him at his hotel, uh huh...And next thing I know I was being IM'd by Ben and another guy who I'm not really all that interested in but it was certainly a fun flurry of activity on a Friday night and I did it all in my jammies plus it didn't cost a thing, love that! All right, so Saturday rolls around and I'm cleaning my house like a mad woman because I want to impress Jimmy, not even so much because I want to try to lure him back into my world but more because I want him to see what the fuck he gave up, you know like rub his nose in it a bit...eat your heart out, asshole! But at the same time I'm worried about what might transpire when we see each other. Every other time we've gotten together after having been apart, we always end up doing it and inevitably it's incredible, like we were starving for each other and we couldn't fill the void fast enough. I must say sex with Jimmy after a prolonged separation was unlike any I've ever had before or since. We would practically devour one another! But I wasn't sure if that would happen this time, he is seeing someone, after all and I am not nearly as desperate to have him back in my life, as I have been in the past. Quite honestly, I am far too poor these days to hang out with Jimmy. Back when we were dating I practically kept two, separate, fully-stocked households, always paid for dinner out (he bought me dinner twice in our whole 15 months together, we probably averaged 4 or 5 meals out a month) took him away on vacation, spoiled him like a child at Christmas...What I wouldn't do to have just a sliver of the wad of cash I hemorrhaged for that A-Wad. Oh well, hindsight...

Jimmy arrived at my house while I was working in the yard in a bikini in the blazing heat, a shiny, slippery layer of sweat slathered all over my whole body (heh, heh!) I showed him around the house, which he couldn't help but like, and then offered him a yummy lunch which he weakly tried to refuse but couldn't effectively pull off, since he clearly considers me somewhat synonymous with food prep., (Pavlov's Dog syndrome, I guess - ding, ding!) We sat on the porch and got caught up. It was encouraging to not feel attracted to him, I don't know what it was, he looked too skinny or weak or something, plus he'd shaved off his goatee so he didn't look like the devil anymore. I am delighted to say that I was really (for the first time ever!) not feeling it for Jimmy. And don't you know I just loved spinning all my online dating yarns for him, I felt confident and strong and totally safe. I'm still not sure how he was feeling, he was somewhat apologetic about how horribly he had treated me during our time together which I appreciated, and I couldn't tell if he was trying to subtly segue into the idea that if we were together once more he'd do better. He dropped little hints that indicated he might not mind if we tried again but nothing of any real substance, and quite honestly since I had no interest in pursuing reconciliation, I let them all slip right by me. He gave me a hug before he left and startlingly, I felt nothing, not even a minor tremor of our classic, undeniable physical magnetism. You have no idea how monumental an accomplishment this is for me! I really believe now, that I may be...OFFICIALLY OVER JIMMY! He left and I experienced no stomach ache, no pangs of disappointment, nothing but straight-up joy!

I was beaming as I made my way to my computer where I found my online lover, Mark in a panic to find me. It took no time at all for us to get things going in our classic fashion, and this time I got to see HIM...He has these blue eyes which glow and two scars under his chin and he always has a sort of grouchy scowl on his face, lips tightly pressed together but not pursed. Anybody who knows me well, understands how important a good nose is to me - it is essential. Mark has "the nose". I love his face. I want to kiss his mouth so badly my whole body is turned inside out by unyielding frustration, it feels like a physical tantrum, silent - but debilitating....

So there we were...finally peepin' at each other. I felt so nervous, like I was 12 years old - silly, I know - but how wonderful to still be able to harken back to days of innocent crushes and butterflies in the tummy. We small talked our way into a little strip tease and mutual self-pleasuring and suddenly mama wasn't feeling 12, anymore...The crazy thing about Mark is that he consistently convinces me to do pretty much whatever it is that he wants to see me do, no matter how off-the-wall, because it feels really good and I absolutely love how into it he gets. It's bizarre behavior, I know, but I feel totally safe with him. I believe that he would never exploit my trust.

It's always bittersweet when he finishes, I'm satisfied and proud because I have taken him to that ultimate happy place, but it also means he has to go get cleaned up and mentally prepare himself to report back to domesticity with his woman. My favorite thing he that he said to me, during our little escapade, yesterday was "You are so my type" I'm not really sure why I liked that so much but it puts a smile on my face every time I think of it.

I took a little break from men, for awhile, to work in the garden knowing that I wouldn't hear from the pilot for hours still. When I came back to my computer I did in fact have a message from the young pilot. He was delayed at JFK and it looked like he'd be pretty late getting into Dulles, but he wasn't bagging out completely. Said he'd keep checking in to see where I was and if it wasn't too late we might still be able to get together. Simultaneous to e-mailing back and forth with the pilot I was chatting with good, ole Ben whose angle I can never fully figure out. I get the feeling that he contacts me when he's having a dry spell with his other interests. So, I was telling him about the pilot and how I was sort of on retainer while I waited to see if he'd get back early enough for us meet and Ben got all up in my grill about how stupid I was to wait around, that the guy definitely did not intend to meet me, that he was completely yanking my chain, and even though I knew he was probably right, I wanted so badly to end up hooking up with the pilot just so I could thumb my nose at the self-righteous jerk! In any case, I knew if the young pilot and I were gonna get together it would be no earlier than say, midnight? And I was looking for some trouble to get into in the meantime.

Ben and I played a little cat and mouse before we actually both agreed to meet each other downtown. It was so funny, cuz neither one of us wanted to be the one to come out and ask the other one and I'm not really sure how it happened but without either one of us particularly being the instigator we wound up going on a date, sort of. I met him at a bar where there was live music and we talked the whole time about our online dating, mostly nightmares, and I wanted the pilot to text me SO BADLY while I was with Ben, but he didn't, rats! We decided to call it a night and Ben walked me to my car and gave me a hug and tried to kiss me which I avoided, and honestly - it wasn't because I didn't want to, he is a GREAT kisser, it was entirely because I knew I was getting a cold sore and I just didn't want to have to explain to him that I had cooties. It actually may have made me look like I had some self-control, I think. Although, he did appear a bit torqued because I wasn't, at least from his angle, melting in his arms, as I always had before. As soon as I got in my car I got a text from the pilot, I was so bummed I hadn't gotten it like 5 minutes sooner, because I so wanted to prove Ben wrong about him...that the young pilot really DID want to see me.

The young pilot and I texted back and forth as I was heading out of town towards Dulles. I even did the responsible thing and stopped into a convenience store to buy condoms. The young pilot from Florida was vividly texting me about how horny he was and how naked he was and that his door was open, blah, blah, blah. And so when I finally asked him to tell me to where it was exactly that I was traveling, he pulled an abrupt, complete about-face. Suddenly he was saying how late it was and that he had to be up at 5 a.m. and all of this other shit, totally contrary to all the schmoozing he'd been doing just seconds before! I was livid, I mean hell - I was already like 20 min. outside of town! Anyhow, I turned my big boat around and aimed it the direction of home, and texted him something curt his reply to which was "Ouch! lol" (Incidentally, have I ever told you how much I detest "lol"? It really gets under my skin!) I left my phone in the car on the charger so I missed his 3 a.m. text explaining that he couldn't sleep and that he had been worried about me driving so far since I had been drinking and all, and how he wanted our first time hanging out together to not be so rushed, which this morning, totally sober and rational, I completely "got". We've been e-mailing all day, he is an awfully fresh, young man, talks pretty dirty to me and he's openly curious about my likes and dislikes. Looks like I won't be writing this one off... just yet.

Let the Games Begin, Again!

I haven't spoken to Thierry since the day he finally left my house. I wrote him a polite but emotionless note which I included in the package I sent to him, containing the many personal effects that suspiciously, he forgot to take home with him the day that I sent him suddenly packing. Naturally I was in a huge hurry to eliminate any collateral, i.e.; reason for future visits. He has since written a few endearingly touching notes to me in French, but no amount of charm or sincerity can resuscitate this doomed romance. I do feel pretty shitty about back-peddling, the way that I did, but what's the point in dwelling on it? I mean, it's not like we were together for months or years and I suddenly dropped him like a hot potato, we weren't exactly in an established, committed, long-term relationship - the demise of which WOULD have deserved more compassionate and heartfelt attention. I hear myself say these things and I kinda can't believe that I am really this maliciously remorseless. I have never thought of myself as being this much of a bitch, but seeing it here on paper forces me to evaluate my behavior, and the conclusion I've drawn, is that I truly can be a horribly insensitive witch.

Today, though, I do not feel like psychoanalyzing nor brow-beating myself. It's Friday (my favorite day of the week) and I'm in a sunny, hopeful mood, so instead - let's have a little fun and talk about all of the craziness that's gotten me back into the online dating mayhem, full-tilt...Almost immediately after becoming "active" again, I heard from Mark. I swear to god, I think I am completely in love with that guy, well...at the very least - completely in LUST! The thing about Mark is, he remains my webcam mentor, my guru. I can tell myself (and him) that I want more, a real boyfriend - a warm body up against mine (preferably his, but we both know that that'll never happen!), and I can feign ennui with our same old schtick, by going off on a tangent with another hot prospect, but truth be told, I find our thing to always be thrilling, and sexy...and whether he means it or not, he manages to make me feel like his queen…convincing me that I'm beautiful, and the only woman who could possibly thrust him into his vivid moments of arousal. Other guys have tried to work that angle with me and it comes across as absurd and lewd. I don't know what the difference is with Mark, I can only surmise that it must be that magical chemistry about which I blubber, ad nauseum. So...willingly, ravenously I have allowed Mark back into my online dating sphere, simultaneous to another old favorite who just last night, reemerged after - I dunno, maybe three weeks?.

Not sure if I've told you about Ben. He was one of the first guys that I talked to online. I wasn't very interested at first, he came across as milquetoast-ish and bland, but a short while after chatting with him initially on IM, I came across his profile on another site and he had posted a most yummy assortment of pictures of himself, which revealed a fabulously fit and tight body. Suddenly he was much more appealing than he had been in simple conversation. Pardon my excessive superficiality, but that's just the way that I is. Since my perception of him was now dramatically more favorable I was way more receptive to the idea of us going out somewhere together, and the next time we talked, we hatched a spur of the moment plan to meet that very evening. I had found a five-leaf clover while I was mowing the grass that day, so I was CERTAIN that I was gonna have some seriously good luck! (My 9 yr. old son told me later though, that the good luck comes ONLY with clovers that have an even number of leaves, huh...) Anyway, Ben and I went out and followed his #1 dating rule which is that when he meets a woman for the first time, it is always for one hour only, which establishes an viable exit strategy if things aren't going so well. If he does wind up diggin the girl however - it prevents him from acting too hastily by jumping into the sack with her, on the first date…whereby giving both interested parties something to look forward to the next time.  ended our date at almost exactly the one hour mark, after standing outside of our cars and kissing...a lot! He is an incredible kisser, and even though he's short - he is so strapping and strong I was literally able to burrow myself deep into his powerful body...it felt so cozy and intimate, even with the cars on the nearby roadway zipping past, one after another. But that was it, we said goodbye and went our separate ways. After that and until we went out again, we would talk on the phone for like 2 1/2 hours at night sometimes. I love it when there is that ease of conversation, and especially when it's late at night, the kids are asleep and I'm lying in my bed, quintessential pillow talk, I enjoy it immensely over the phone but even more so when I can lie in bed and confabulate with my lover. You know - during the whole 15 months that Jimmy and I were together we never talked on the phone for more than 15 minutes, I swear to god, pathetic. Anyway, it definitely felt like Ben and I were off to a good start, I think it was at that point that I hid my profile (on that particular site) for the first time. It was so cute the way that he would text me any old time of the day, just to see what I was doing. It was all very sweet, and I liked the attention.

Not long after that initial, one hour date, I took him to see Radiohead with me - and even though the weather was positively abysmal, we enjoyed the show, and each other's company very much. He's just so damned snuggly! He wrapped himself around me and held onto me for most of the concert. I was in heaven. After the concert ended, we sat in the parking lot, I shit you not, for 2 solid hours, but we made the most of it. Don't you love it in the beginning when the simple act of kissing is still so exhilerating? I am a voracious kisser...I sometimes feel like I could eat the person up, entirely. Anyhoo, we honed our make-out skills for what felt like infinity and didn't care one bit about who might be watching. He dropped me off at 1 a.m. and naturally he did not stay because he still had to drive home and be at work in the a.m..

Ben and I went to the drive-in movie theater for our next date and quite honestly? I couldn't even tell you what movie we saw. We hunkered down in the back of his car and had the most amazing MMS (for those of you who don't know, that is a massive make-out scene, very juvenile, I am aware of that) but we were being juvenile, making out in the back of his car at the movies and getting all the way to 3rd base, ooooh! I gotta tell you though, he was a master at everything he did. I loved his big strong hands, they did everything right! He had me so worked up I don't think there would've been any way that I wouldn't have fucked him, I probably would have murdered him if he had said goodnight without sealing the deal. When we got to my house we couldn't get naked fast enough and yes he wore a condom and yes, it was the first time I have ever cum when I had sex with a condom, that was a pretty significant milestone right there. I found myself in a completely different state of arousal than I had ever known before and I have to tell you what it was that he did that got me there. Do you mind terribly? In the middle of intercourse, me on top, he grabbed the front of my throat with one of those strong but careful hands and strangled me more than just a little. I was never frightened, and I cannot begin to tell you how it sent me into a sexual overdrive of sorts, I absolutely loved it!

He did not stay overnight and that was fine. I woke up the next day feeling like I had a boyfriend. To me it was certainly not just a booty call, I had trusted him to guide me through unfamiliar territory and into a deeper sort of intimacy than I had known before. This was not just some random hook-up, well that's what I thought, at least. First thing the next morning, I sent him a text thanking him for such an extraordinary evening together and he responded promptly with something like "You were amazing!" And that was the last time he contacted me, no texts, no phone calls, until I sent a message asking him if everything was all right, and he snapped back with some flip comment about being occupied with his two girls. Never said he'd get back to me afterwards, never asked how I was doing, nothing, he was fucking icy. I was incensed! Turned out he really was just another asshole, he just wanted to get laid, end of story, I felt like such a boob. But fortunately for me I wasn't emotionally wrangled up in him yet, it was the physical aspect that had kept me captivated and so I wasn't sad, a little humiliated, yes, but not sad - he wasn't worthy of that much emotion. I unhid my profile and determined to write him off completely. As could have been predicted, he did try to slither his way back in with me and I told him in no uncertain terms what a prick I thought he was and how dare he be so cavalier when he should have been falling all over himself to assure me that our liaison had been meaningful to him as well. Strangely, I didn't consider it a complete loss, there was that little trick he taught me in the bedroom...

Pardon My Absence

I am struggling to figure out how to even approach this long-overdue blog. I've tried to write for the last five days and every time, I wind up hating what I see on the screen in front of me. It's overwhelming to me, how much has transpired over this last week. I'm gonna go at this entry in a sort of nutshell format and then hope to get into detail in subsequent entries, how's that sound?

Obviously, I have deviated from my very good intentions to write daily, about online dating, and the reason for that was my swift immersion into the burgeoning romance between Thierry and myself. We jumped head first into a hot and immediate "relationship" and I was optimistic that he really was gonna be "the thing" that distracted me permanently from the need to continue any form of online dating, or dating period, for that matter! I even went so far as to "hide" my profile on the two dating sites on which I still appeared, essentially eliminating the possibility that someone new could turn my head while I was focusing all of my attention on Thierry, that was a huge step for me, and I thought that it certainly must be an indication that I was getting serious about Thierry. Making myself invisible on my dying sites, mandated that I would be virtually out of the online dating loop, and you know what? For the first time ever, that was truly fine with me. Anyway, Thierry and I seemed to hit it off supremely well in so many ways, he was kind and considerate and generous, a great cook and cute, to boot. All of these positive personality traits kind of took me by surprise, lord knows it was not what I was used to in my most recent, horrible relationship with Jimmy. So I found it refreshing and promising. Additionally, we had a palpable physical connection which as you know, is critical if I am to find the inspiration to proceed. I consider it a fundamental necessity if a relationship stands even a shred of a chance for success (as by now, you're probably already aware). So by all appearances, we were heading in a very good direction. The trouble began when he simply stuck around my place for too long. I got crowded and panicky, and very rapidly the tiny personality flaws that he DID possess - became magnified and impossible to ignore. He was somewhat overbearing and insisted on inflicting his mostly unwanted opinions of everything from what kind of butter dish I SHOULD be using, to how I should arrange my freezer, grrrr.... By Tuesday, just a week and a half after meeting him for the first time, I almost couldn't stand him anymore. I had to ask him to leave, even though we were meant to hang out for another whole day and a night. There was absolutely no way I could have stood it for another minute, I felt like I was losing my mind completely. It was probably somewhat cruel to send him packing so abruptly, the way I did - but self-preservation overrode compassion. Literally as soon as he was gone my whole demeanor changed for the better. It was my oldest daughter's birthday and I drove a carload of kids out to the lake where my kids stay with their dad, for a day of frolicking in and around the water as if I were still a child myself, effectually tabling most of my grown-up issues. I temporarily put Thierry out of my mind completely and even sent a few picture texts to Mark, of me sunning in my bikini on the dock, (such a hussy). By the time I got back home again, I was a brand new person - sooo looking forward to a little alone time. Wasn't it just like 5 months ago that I was moaning to my friends about how hard it was for me to be alone, ever? And here I was nearly rabidly reveling in my isolation.

It does frighten me a little bit, that I am capable of such a dramatic about-face. I went from being somewhat head-over-heels, to absolutely repelled by this guy in a matter of seconds, completely without warning. So, without conferring with Thierry, I decided the ultimate outcome of our little fling...that it was now defunct. In the morning, before he had even left my house, I had reactivated my two hidden dating site accounts, and so began the online dating madness, again...

Delinquent...Again

This is the first opportunity I've had, in what feels like absolutely eons, to just veg out in front of my computer and doodle a little. Can you hear my sigh of relief? And the better news (for me, at least) is that I feel almost as if I have a gloriously infinite amount of time to write about all that has happened in the last few days, in other words, I feel a really long entry coming on...

So, I think the last time we talked, I was preparing for my second date with Thierry, which went swimmingly, if I must say so myself. After he pulled into my driveway on his beautiful, silver Ducati, we spent the whole day together, first just hanging out at my house ("very European", according to Thierry - so far I was on the right track to seducing him, yep) where we partook in a delightful lunch en plein air and then we drove around the gorgeous countryside in my hot, little car, naturally I was trying to impress him by offering up the few great things that I feel are impressive in my little life: I live in a remarkably scenic part of the world, I reside in a brand spanking new gem of a house and I drive a pristine 1972 Datsun 240Z. Next we went up the road from my house to the quaint country club where my kids and I spend many a lazy summer day, where we chatted with a few of my good friends and luxuriated in and around the pool. I wasn't completely sure about how he was feeling about me but I was DEFINITELY diggin' him. I was dying to kiss him...and more. While we were driving home he put his hand on mine, we threaded our fingers together and it sent me into an absolute tailspin. I was just so excited to not be able to find anything wrong with him, well except for his slightly doughy middle, and his unusually long 2nd toes (Turkish toes, as he described them). Anyway, I was thoroughly enjoying the sexual tension that was building, coupled with the discovery that he was a sincerely nice guy with a deeelicious French accent and I loved watching his pretty mouth when he talked, it kind of negated the fact that he had a weak jaw. I am a hyper-critical bitch and it seriously bothers me, but for now, that's beside the point. So, we wound up back at my house and began fixing dinner using the scarce ingredients we could gather (I had been remiss on stocking the larder) and at one point we were both in the refrigerator area and I said something about what a nice visit I thought we'd been having and we were absolutely face to face and he acted like he was too timid to kiss me so, naturally, I had to make the first move. It was insane, you know because it swiftly became apparent that we were undeniably into each other and since we'd been together all day but kept ourselves at a safe distance from one another, when we finally did decide to succumb to our obvious mutual attraction, it was almost as if my entire body was going to dissolve into a goozy puddle on the floor. I just love it when I can completely hand myself over to a man and simultaneously I feel him offer himself up to me reciprocally. It just got nutty from there...the burning onions reminded us that we had been in the middle of fixing din din, but we opted to put dinner on hold for a few and finish the really important stuff, first.

Needless to say, the entire evening was incredibly romantic and I was sure that we were forging a brand new bond with one another, I was optimistic that I was embarking on a wonderful new adventure with a swell guy and that my online dating days were fully behind me...startling, I know. We continued to nurture the blossoming romance til it reached an almost magical crescendo and suddenly I felt myself start to withdraw, just like that. I will pin most of the blame on the fact that we had spent nearly every second together, right out of the starting gate. I could feel intense claustrophobia beginning to sabotage this previously good situation. This overwhelming sensation brought to my attention by an pronounced, new-found need for immediate solitude. Until that point, I hadn't realized that I was capable of being comfortable alone, and here I was, craving my independence. He spent the night which was ok because I assumed he'd hit the road in the morning, knowing that my ex would be arriving soon to deliver my kids. No dice. He lingered, unfortunately…and my kids were subsequently prematurely introduced without any warning at all, to this mystery man. I thought his decision to invade my family time was a bit presumptuous, not to mention - awkward as hell. He didn't seem to have a clue about discretion, but I had no choice but to go along with it. And I guess since we had cleared the hurdle of my kids graciously allowing him to join in on our normal, daily routine - he figured he'd earned carte blanche to just stay in our lives idefinitely. That is when I got a touch freaked out, and to compound my swift retreat, his few but pronounced physical oddities (which I'd tried to minimize in the beginning), were now screaming at me, and I was having a difficulty glossing them over anymore. It definitely didn't help that I was learning now about another angle of his personality that would never gel with mine, he is kind of a know-it-all and he didn't realize the fingernails on the chalkboard effect that his meddling and bossiness had on my psyche. I will never let anyone tell me what plants I should put in my gardens, and I refuse to let a virtual stranger take over a creative project that yes, may be taking me awhile to complete, but damnit - just leave me alone...I'll get to it! It doesn't bother me that I'm slow in completing certain tasks, why the hell should it bother him for chrissake?! Ok, so you can probably sense my dismay from having suddenly traded utter amorous bliss for suffocation. A malignancy was rapidly growing at the center of our union and there seemed little hope for recovery.

There May Be Hope Yet, For This Jaded Sexual Deviate..

I guess I probably could've written in the a.m., before Thierry was to arrive, but instead, I opted to clean my disgustingly filthy house in order to make a decent second impression a mon nouveau ami! Now listen, you have to understand that there was a whole entire day in between the day on which we first met, face to face - and our second, scheduled date. And believe me, if I had behaved anything remotely close to the way I had become accustomed to behaving thanks entirely to my unbridled online dating-induced debauchery, that would have been more than ample time for me to get my ass in some kind of a sling, or at the very least - ended up feeling, well...guilty. The day in between the two dates, I sat down in front of my trusty, ole Mac and saw that Mark, my smokin' hot, cyber-sex buddy from Cincinnati, had tried to IM me. Normally I would have held vigil, in front of my computer, waiting for him to come back online and small talk it with me until conversation morphed into a heated sexual escapade, as was the norm, well...our norm. Maybe I should clarify "norm"...Before I met Mark but since engaging in cyber dating, I had dabbled a tiny bit in the whole concept of "getting off" via webcam or the phone, but until my recent discovery of this titillating forum by which to practice safe and rewarding sex, I had never even had phone sex, and I'm a pretty old gal! Mark introduced me to a much more intense level of trust in this arena, hence my willingness to go just about anywhere he led me, ya diggin' me? I have pretty much consistently describe myself as being a follower, not a leader in all areas of my life, to a certain degree, but I am absolutely that way in my relationships with men. Suffice it to say, I like being told what to do, I like to be bossed around in the bedroom, it's a plain and simple fact. Mark was rawther adept at this and I just ate that shit up! It didn't hurt that from the moment I laid eyes on him, well, laid eyes on his profile pics. and the photos he soon began sending to my cell phone, (Yum!) I knew that I was inexorably physically attracted to him. So I became a willing participant in the antics that we both found so, well...stimulating. It did not take very long for me to shed what few inhibitions I still possessed and begin acquiescing to his every whim, which included texting photos of myself depicting exactly what it was he wanted to see as well as watching his fantasies about me reach fruition, eh hemm, in full, blooming color on my computer screen. This and my new-found addiction to finishing, myself, either on his voicemail or while he listened live on the telephone became, the "norm". My sensible head tells me this is a little warped, even fucked up, to a degree, but it was thrilling and taboo and bottom line, I was having a relationship, of sorts, with a man - once again, so I refused to view myself as the sexual deviate I was manifesting through all of these shenanigans. All of this had been terribly irresistible, until I met Thierry. Suddenly the lustre of what Mark and I had created together was dulling and the reality that we would never meet in person (did I mention that he's not only in a long term relationship with a woman, but he's also been living with her for about a year?) was starting to sink in. Compounding our demise was the plateau that we were gradually reaching, at least in my eyes. I mean seriously, how much online sex can two people have before it turns into the same ole, redundant nonsense? But, I will admit that it did feel good to know that he was looking for me (did he actually miss me?) and I was still somewhat infatuated with him, deluded fantasies and all. This was of no consequence, I decided. I liked Thierry and there was that microscopic chance that something viable could transpire between the two of us, so I politely responded to Mark but gently closed the door to communication, at least for the day, and put most of my online dating eggs in Thierry's basket, for the time being. You know - I've done this before, though. Put one guy on the back burner because suddenly someone appears outta nowhere, and I do find it impossible to refuse an invitation to potentially mine serendipity from the otherwise endless, dank cave that is "online dating". To carry on that way is greedy and rude and I've rammed this observation down more than one guy's throat about their behavior towards me, on occasion. Yet hypocritically, I tend to glibly shrug off the fact that I am entirely capable of subscribing to the same shitty m.o., from time to time.

Fortunately, before I had time to second-guess my decision, sweet, tiny and adorable Thierry was pulling his beautiful, silver Ducati into my driveway then lifting his helmet off of his freckled face, his green eyes locking securely onto mine and I became instantly dumbstruck by a ripcurrent of arousal sent roaring through my body by nothing more than a pure unadulterated, innocent hug.

Just Tryin' to Win the Lottery

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I play the lottery, religiously, every Tuesday and Friday. I always let the computer pick 3 sets of numbers for me and I do not feel the least bit badly about spending $6 a week on the chance to win millions. So I drop a little coin each week to perpetuate the notion that - hey - people do win, why the heck couldn't it be me this time? It's one of the more benign of my regular self-indulgences, similar to the way some folks treat themselves to a Starbucks coffee, a couple of times a week, you know?...Not such a big deal. Anyway, this week, two friends of mine told me that they had dreamt that I had WON THE LOTTERY! Needless to say I gambled a little more than my usual $3 this Friday, in an attempt to manipulate my luck and potentially be able to ultimately classify my friends' dreams as premonitions. Simultaneously, I was preparing myself for the next day's inaugural date with Thierry, the very sweet, man tres romantique, with whom I had most recently become, um...enchanted? So my best friend stops by to have a cocktail and to use my high-speed internet driven Mac instead of her own dial-up piece of crap PC, in order to set up her own profile on a dating website, HOORAY! Anyhoo, we were talking about Thierry and the lottery and the dreams and all that pertinent stuff and out of my mouth came a statement over which I swear to God, I had no control. I told my best friend right there in my kitchen that I would rather meet a man with whom I could share the rest of my life in mutual happiness and undying love for each other, both of us loving each other's kids (since that would unavoidably be a fraction of the equation, from my end, at least) over winning the frickin' lottery. It just came out. I had to think for a second if I actually meant it, and I realized in an instant, that I truly did. Huh. And you should also know that right now I am in the deepest financial straights of my whole life with no sign of radical improvement in my future, so, believe me - I DO wanna win the lottery. But honest to God, and I know it is gonna sound horrifyingly corny, I believe that if I could find ultimate and infinite happiness with a man, that would be the equivalent of, or even better than winning the lottery, in a sense.

I did not win the lottery Friday night and by the time my friend left my house around 11 p.m., I still had not heard from Thierry about firming up our tentative plans for Sat. Morning. I had called him around 8:30 Fri. evening and was so bummed when he didn't pick up cuz I then had to leave one of those uncomfortably rambling messages. I tried to sound upbeat and positive, but secretly I worried that he was back-peddling a bit or maybe even bowing out completely. I was convinced I was jilted, yuck. But, oh blessed be! At around, I dunno, 11:45 he called and said that he had been at work and that he had programmed my ph. # into his cell, incorrectly and so he wasn't able to get in touch with me until he was back home again. Phew! We were still ON!

We met today and had a lovely morning hanging out in Georgetown for a late breakfast before he had to go to a 12:00 meeting at work. We talked the whole time, I thought he was adorably cute (very good nose and hands, critical!) and even though I think we started off a leeetle sluggishly, we wound up pretty revved. So, no...I still have not won the jackpot but I would venture to say that my first date with Thierry was at least the equivalent of winning a $2 ticket and lord knows I'll be investing those "2 bucks" right back into my little lottery of love. Would it be asking too much if I could just win back at least the equivalent of 10 bucks, on our next date, hmm?

Happy to be distracted

Howdy! Today, I am so happy that I am just that teeny bit distracted enough from my obsession with checking the dating websites on which I post profiles, to write here, again. You don't understand...since I first began tinkering with this online dating caper, I have done little else each time I've sat down in front of my computer. I am manic about checking for messages from new men and guys with whom I've already been in contact as well as scoping out fellas whose profiles have piqued my curiosity. Generally I wait to see who gets in touch with me first, and if they look interesting or appear remotely handsome I check them out as well. It may be that they haven't even written to me yet, I simply caught them beepin at my profile. Maybe they're too shy to talk to me at first or maybe once they've learned a little more about me and the fact that I have 4 kids they reconsider cuz now, suddenly, I'm not nearly so attractive. No matter! If they're lookin good to me, I make my move. And if we discover there is a mutual interest in getting to know one another better, I am always compelled to act on an overwhelming urgency to speed up the whole process of meeting face to face. It's just so much better to find out, early on, if there is that magical attraction...or not. Why waste a bunch of time chit chattin online when what we really need to find out in order to potentially proceed, is if there is that critical CHEMISTRY. I know it's cliche but damned if it isn't essential. It takes me about 10 seconds to figure out if we've got it, or not. Sometimes there is a magnetic connection online which never manifests itself in person because of any number of infractions incurred by the individual in question, such as, maybe they wore dingy white socks with sandals and they are well, fat, when they fraudulently stated on their profile that they possessed an "athletic" build, HA! Other times they may be terrifically good-looking and well-turned out, but for whatever reason I find myself completely incapable of conjuring up any electricity. So far, there has only been one guy out of the droves that I have test-driven, who has possessed both elements, the whole package; really attractive and cool, and able to make the hair stand up on the back of my neck by merely placing his hand on my lower back while escorting me to the car, jesus christ - that is my absolute favorite! I am a total sucker for that sensation! l let my body get the better of me and all I can think is "I know we just met, but would it be bad if we fucked right here, right now? Wonder if he would think me a total tramp...hmmmm..." I am getting better about exhibiting a little composure, in my old age because I am (miraculously) just now starting to comprehend that fucking a guy within the first few minutes of making each other's acquaintance (or even on the first few dates, duh!) doesn't exactly lend itself to building the foundation of a relationship with staying power. Plus there is definitely something to be said about building up a little tension, wink wink, nudge nudge!

Anyway, Man I got off the track! What I wanted to talk about today, is the fact that I am currently talking to a man who has me more distracted than usual from my obsession with constantly feeling the need to stockpile so many, many men and build up my reserve because, the "boy du jour" will inevitably fall by the wayside, just as they all have. I know the chances of this one working out are about as good as my track record to date, but for some unknown reason, just talking with him and thinking about him has curbed my affliction. I am not running up to my computer every 15 min. eager to see which current interests are seeking me out, or hoping to make a new connection, I am only really looking to see if HE has sent me a note or if he read the last one I sent to him. One of the things that is so thrilling about communicating with Thierry is the fact that he is French and we have been sending e-mails to each other written in French, do you even understand how romantic and sexy that is, to me? I haven't been conversant in French for 20 years and I know he is probably struggling to decipher my rusty attempts at communicating with him in his native tongue, but I definitely understand HIS messages and to simply see what he writes about how much he loves summer or the yardwork that he did that day or his children, gets me terribly hot and bothered! He has never said anything blatantly forward or sexual in nature, which is au contraire de most of the perverts with whom I chat, fo' shizzle! And yet I am still hatching a bunch of butterflies in my tummy each time we speak about these innocent, innocuous topics, it is nothing short of delightful! Now here's the clincher, and my friends who are privy to all of my dating forays and inevitable aftermath, would tell you that I say this each and every time some new guy on the horizon gets me all worked up into a lather. My best buds would say that whenever I am about to embark on the next step of finally meeting in person, I tell them that this one feels "right", and that surely he must be "the one", blah, blah, blah. I don't really believe that I do that because usually I protect myself by keeping my expectations LOW, in an attempt to soften the blow of disappointment which I have come to expect. So, bottom line is this, I am meeting Thierry tomorrow, for coffee in the morning and perhaps wine at a vineyard, for lunch. I will know immediately if I have been accurate in my fantasy about things having potential between us. And I will definitely let you know what happens. Keep your fingers crossed, k?

I Just Lost my Blog Virginity

Not sure if I should just jump right in here and start writing as if I've always been a blogger, or...should I introduce myself and explain why the heck I'm doing this. Hmmmm...well, since I am a pretty self-indulgent soul, who likes to hear myself talk (or really, I guess it's more like - see myself think?) I'l divulge the impetus behind this new endeavor...

I am and always have been - a "journal-er". Writing helps me sort shit out (plus I just really enjoy it!) About 5 months ago, I FINALLY ended a long, tremendously painful and seriously detrimental relationship (trust me, you'll get to hear PLENTY about that whole fiasco after we've spent a little more time together) and I discovered that online dating had the potential to be an effective means by which I might effectively distract myself for good this time, from what would have historically been impending reconciliation with my ex-beau, Jimmy. I had resisted the whole notion of online dating for, well...forever up to that point, chalking it up to being ridiculous nonsense to which only TRULY desperate singles must resort in an attempt to find someone with whom they might build a successful, loving relationship - putzes! Not to mention, I was altogether skeptical about it actually being a viable means to meet a mate. But, out of sheer desperation and being adamantly determined to never relapse into the Jimmy nightmare, again...driven by an unwavering compulsion to resist getting caught in his crippling snare...absolutely certain that this time I was REALLY through with his bullshit (am I making myself clear?) I embarked on my maiden voyage into the as of yet, uncharted waters of internet dating. I quickly found myself completely immersed in my mission to find my happiness with a brand-spanking-new man and as I fed my addiction to online dating, my daily journal entries began to take a back seat and eventually I ceased writing at all. I recently realized just how negligent I have been for the last few months, in keeping up with my writing - I have been utterly distracted, to say the least. When I checked, I discovered that my last journal entry was written nearly two months ago...now that's just plain sad. So, ok, this blog business seems to me to be the perfect forum by which I may begin to stretch my mind and fingers again as well as bounce the mounting stories, theories and perplexities that are the result of my virtual adventures, off of you guys. Well, looky here...I'm getting "buzzed" by some potential Romeo as we speak, I better go see who it is...Don't wait up for me, heh, heh!