The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fewer and Farther Between (Blog Entries as well as Men)

True to my personal vow to mellow out and "not try so hard" to find a man, I have definitely been taking it a bit more easy with my online dating push, of late. It's funny to look back at the beginning of all of this mayhem and remember how gung ho I was to jump right in, with both feet spending every free second in front of my Mac, lapping up all the attention, (cuz back then I was still fresh meat) trying to make the acquaintance of as many people as possible (online first and then hopefully, in person soon after) and in the process, discovering a multitude of unfamiliar means by which to do so (IM, texting pics., webcam...) And when I look at how things are going now, 6 months later, I realize that my current attack is completely diametrically opposed to the way I originally dove into online dating. Gone are the butterflies in my tummy and those thrilling flutters which used to sear my insides upon making contact with certain individuals. These days, I'm in a sort of lackadaisical, I could give a shit, phase, which was somewhat spurred on by the swift elimination of my prior seemingly endless freetime, (a la this past summer) on account of work and the kids' after school activities, and my disenchantment with all the nifty gadgets which used to make online interaction so much fun, for me. I only sit at my Mac early in the morning and late-ish in the evening and I squeeze in a teeny bit of decadent downtime during the weekends when my kids go with their dad, at which time I try to get caught up on any new developments and write my scant blog entries. Aside from unavoidable time constraints limiting my chances for positive results, is the fact that I am thoroughly jaded with online dating and everything that goes along with it these days. I'm talking about a whole new level of "jaded" than 25 entries ago when I first I referred to myself as being so afflicted. Back then I quite obviously had no idea of the depths to which my listlessness would plummet. Where once, I was naive and eager and soooo green, now I am just kind of indifferent to the whole thing. In a weird way, online dating has made me better capable of dealing with rejection and resistant to disappointment. My formerly high octane emotions have been neutralized, I'm an emotional zombie, anymore. Never sad or bummed or elated even, just sorta, nothing, especially in relation to the ebullient joy that online dating used to bring me. Also, you may be happy to know, that I can honestly say that I don't care if I never get my jollies again with a fella online, via the webacm or IM or even texting, I want a warm body here beside me, for heavens sakes. I want regular sex, with the same guy until we're old and die within a year of each other, ok?! Additionally, I seriously have no interest in jacking any guy off online, ever again, either. I do believe that that form of entertainment has totally run its course, with me. Some of the guys with whom I have engaged in these ridiculous antics, regularly try to contact me and are conditioned to think that I offer an obligatory, package deal: initial conversation blending into dirty talk which, even if I stay clothed, may lead to them baring it all so that together we can ultimately end the tale with a "happy ending". What they don't realize is that all that was fun for me while it lasted, but I am so over that rubbish! And that explains why I am only talking to guys who just TALK to me, period, end of story. Current conditions also indicate that anyone who has read my blog thinks I am now and will forever be, some kind of online hooker, and that it's almost my duty to provide them with a "good time", when we get together online. There have been a couple of guys, recently, who've gotten my hopes up that their motives were sincere and innocuous as we went through the motions of getting to know each other a little better through pleasant conversation, (maybe they really do LIKE me, for ME and not just 'cuz they're itchin' to experience one of my online sex tutorials) but my hopes are consistently dashed when without fail, sometimes completely outta nowhere, they broach the subject and reveal why they're actually there, "Why won't you let me see you?" (almost as if to say,"You let all those other guys have a peek, what's wrong with me? I wanna try it, please, please?") Ugh, here we go again...And you know, for some reason I almost feel guilty, 'cuz it's like I have led them on and then let them down by not obliging them. Inevitably they sulk off and lord knows if I'll ever hear from them again. But guess what? I'm sulking too, because I want a real boyfriend not another "john", did they ever think of that, huh?! They misled ME, as well, by making me think that they were interested in me when all they wanted was for me to spank their monkey, fuckers! Yep, it appears that I have made my bed, so to speak, and now I guess I must lie in it...ALONE!

The good news is I have managed to exercise a little self-control and keep it buttoned about my blog, with several other good, possible dating candidates. There's this one guy, James, who I've been talking to sporadically since the beginning, he's intelligent and mature and doesn't crowd me, so things have consistently moved forward, but always at an unhurried pace. I gave him my number finally, we'll see if he calls. Oh my gosh! I can't believe I almost forgot to tell you about this one e-mail I got over the weekend! I have to let you read it. Hang on, I'm gonna copy and paste it here...Kay, you ready? It's from "BoneDoc" I get that! He made a funny! Here it is,

"Just imagine...

arrive at the doctor's office and be escorted to the "examination room"... While you make yourself comfortable and slip into a short examination gown... that barely covers you... "You are my last visit for the day," the doctor says with a wink, meaning that we have plenty of time and no one will be interrupting us. (did you just hear him lock the front door?)
He begins by rubbing her neck and shoulders, helping her to relax and then has her lie face down on the table. Long, slow massage strokes across her back make her start to purr... The strokes get longer and longer as his hands caress her ass with each pass... Then farther still as he strokes her thighs with each long, slow stroke... He can feel her heat building from deep inside. She unconsciously begins to wiggle her ass a little as she starts to push her hips into the table and then push against his hands. He loves teasing her like this... getting her hotter and wetter... Mmmm. Finally he calmly says, "turn over please." She looks so inviting, lying there on her back... He starts long slow strokes once again on her legs and thighs... With each up-stroke her legs open a tiny bit farther... inviting him closer. His massage strokes move up under her gown, closer and closer to the source of her heat... teasing her (and him)... she feels herself getting extremely wet. She can't stand much more of this teasing torture.
Then he reaches under her gown and finds the waistband of her panties and she automatically lifts her hips off the table... he slowly slides them over her hips... down her beautiful legs... and off they come.... She just lets out a low moan that sounds almost like a growl... throws her head back and opens her legs for him. In an instant, she can feel his hot breath on her inner thighs... He teases her even more by just softly running his lips back and forth across her... then just the tip his his tongue touches her... Mmmm, they both moan... Her body opens up for him to enter her. He thoroughly loves the taste of her... licking and flicking her clitoris... exploring every bit of her with his tongue and lips. She pulls his head against her tighter... wanting more of him...

(to be continued...) Would you like to help me finish the ending of this story?!?


Can you believe that shit? That someone would dare send something so crass to a perfect stranger? I mean, he's lucky that he sent it to me, (like - how did he know that I'd be someone who could handle his poorly written pathetic prose?) instead of some prude who would, without a doubt, blow the whistle on him on the host site! Are there seriously women out there who would find this kind of garbage so intriguing that it would motivate them to respond? If this guy doesn't wind up getting sued at some point for sexual harassment, I'll eat my hat!

Oh yeah, something else I've gotta tell you...I got an e-mail from sweet, jilted Thierry, the other day. He informed me that he is happily seeing someone, but that he would love to talk with me, sometime, especially in French. I didn't have the nerve to tell him how laborious it was for me to compose those e-mails that I wrote to him in French, back when we were all hot and heavy. I swear to god, that is the absolute reason I cut off ties with everyone else, I would work on the letters for hours to the exclusion of everything else, without interruption before I felt confident enough to send them and still he'd comment on how "cute" my grammer was, really frickin' adorable. Anyway, once I read that he had a new gf, at first I was like, "Aw man, is he just rubbin' it in, that I ditched him but he's already found someone new?" But it didn't take me long to remember that Thierry is very different than the scumbags I'm accustomed to dealing with on my regular dating site route. I believe he is a sincerely nice guy (probably too nice for me, I think that was part of my problem with him) and I seriously doubt that he possesses a profligate bone in his body. I kind of think he was letting me know so I wouldn't continue to worry about the fact that I left him alone and moderately broken-hearted. I was actually relieved to hear he had moved on. Now, if my ex-husband would just find a girl, I could scratch some more guilt off the list.

As my weekend without children approached, I literally had made no exciting plans to get together with any new or current men. My good friend, Anna, had made plans for me, though, and honestly I was none too pleased. There is this guy, Bryce - who contacted me on a dating site after recognizing me as the mother of a little girl (my little girl) who rides at the barn where he is perpetually painting the roof, it seems. Once he brought it up, I guess I kind of recognized him too, but I had glanced at him on the site, numerous times and his face had never registered as being someone I knew until he pointed it out. I was not attracted to him and was skeptical that meeting him in person would change that. But my good friend Anna, was hellbent on introducing us in person, and since I had no other plans, I went along for the ride. Bryce and I met at Anna's house where she and her husband hosted a bonfire party with homemade chili and good cocktails and an all-around great group of folks, the rest of whom I already knew and liked. Bryce was the person I talked to the least and quite honestly there was zero chemistry going on from my end. He was nice enough and attractive-ish, but I definitely was not feelin' it. Anna kept ramming it down my throat that even if we didn't hit it off romantically, he would be a good person to be able to call up and go out with when there was nothing else going on, uh yeah. I seriously doubt that it was his ever his intention, to embark on a platonic friendship with me so that we might escort each other out to the bars where at least I would be constantly looking over his shoulder, for the next best thing. Doesn't really work that way. It was difficult for Bryce to get a word in edgewise, not only because he was the shy, new boy, but also because of all the boisterous convo. and embarrassing inside jokes (at my expense, usually, har-de-har-har!) which provided the bulk of the evening's entertainment. We did finally find a quiet-ish moment to set a spell, but after a brief and decidedly stilted chat I decided to call it a night, went home and tucked myself in at a reasonable hour, grateful for a full tummy, a mild buzz and the side-splitting laughs I'd enjoyed with my already friends.

One of the other things that makes the prospect of dating Bryce prohibitive, is that it goes completely against my flimsy credo which states that dating close to home, rarely pays. We've gone over this before, and as you know, I definitely don't like the idea of leaving a bunch of unsuccessful dating shrapnel scattered around my immediate stomping grounds. I guess if I were absolutely smitten with a local guy, I'd give it a try, but casually dating guys in my area goes against the grain, for me these days. Segue! Ok, last Thursday, I had just dropped off 75% of my kids to their respective activities which left me with just my oldest daughter, Jordan. We were driving back home from town and I tried to place a call on my cell, to my real estate agent, but had mistakenly combined his number with my boss' and ended up landing in the voice mailbox of a complete stranger (his voice was far sexier than my real estate agent's, fo' shizz!) I was like,"Whoops!" and instantly hung up. I then dialed the number I meant to call and this time successfully reached my agent, but while I was talking I heard someone else trying to beep in. Since I was in the midst of a reasonably important conversation, I didn't click over. And then it happened again. After I finished making my calls, I totally forgot to look and see who had been trying to reach me, but when Jordan and I got home, I received a text...from the wrong number guy! He said, "Who is this? What, no message?" Jordan was like, "Mom! You have to text him back, he could be hot!" This comment was completely out of character! My sweet, responsible, typically staid preteen was zealously encouraging me, almost daring me to do something, well...just plain silly (She sounded eerily like her mother, poor soul!) Anyway, we were reveling in our big girl time alone (which is rare) just the two of us acting super goofy, so sising to her challenge, I did indeed, text him back explaining that I had accidentally combined two different numbers, etc.. and then I said, "Too bad you didn't pick up, it might've been fun to talk by accident" to which he replied, "Ya, you never know where you might meet your next friend. How do you spell your name?" and we bantered back and forth like this for the remainder of the evening. Contrary to my earlier declaration of wanting to avoid dating guys in my "neighborhood", Beau did actually live close by and I was STOKED! (Ain't I a wishy washy bitch?) At some point not long after Beau and I stumbled upon each other, Frances stopped by and after being frantically brought up to speed on the goings on, she surmised that he must be unhappily married (her patent, skeptical supposition about all of my most mysterious men) or else dog ugly. She backed up her theory by saying that no normal guy would be so wholeheartedly enthusiastic about taking a misdialed phone call so quickly to such an extreme level, unless he suffered some irreparable affliction. Jordan and I then rebutted her allegation by referring back to one of his texts in which he stated that he was currently playing the love interest in an independent film being shot, nearby. So there! He'd have to be good-looking to get the part, suckah! Frances shrugged off our smugness and Jordan and I began convincing ourselves that Beau was gonna be "THE GUY"! Jordan and I were absolutely beside ourselves with glee because this stranger whom I had met accidentally by inadvertently calling his cell, we were certain, was gonna turn out to be my real, final and forever, happy ending!

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