The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Oh My God! What a Snooze Fest!

About the most exciting thing that's happening, lately, with my online dating adventures, is pretty much a big, fat NOTHING. I guess it's cuz I'm working during the day now and as soon as I'm done with that I'm running kids all over hell and gone to their after school activities. By the time I'm able to plunk myself down in front of my computer and decompress, it's pretty late which only compounds the fact that I am fully whipped. I sluggishly travel around to all my favorite sites and stare at the screen through glazed eyes at the pittance of attention I typically get anymore, sigh. I am almost too tired to get excited about the few quality guys who show any interest in me, these days and about equally as motivated to freak out about the lack thereof. I hope I'll make time to be more mentally engaged as well as participatory over the upcoming weekend. Unlike this summer, I cannot sit down just any, ole time to my trusty Mac anymore and doodle around. And I do believe that with online dating, the more you are "on", the more hits you get. People see that "Online Now" caption below your pic. and they seem way more likely to open dialog or to simply snoop arpund your profile. When my kids are with me it may sometimes appear that I am "on" more often than I really am because I do let my kids mess around on my computer, from time to time. I've actually had guys "buzz" my children, thinking it was me who was "on". They come to me and they're like, "Mom, some message came up on the computer from a guy named, So and So"...Lord alone knows what their opening line was, they can be little racy, sometimes...Neat-o!

Something which I have a hard time grasping, is that I can have tons of folks viewing my profile but unless they are someone I would be interested in talking to, they just don't register in my brain at all, they are essentially invisible. As soon as I close out their note or the simple fact that they looked at me, I delete them from my mind, either forever or until they pester me again. And even if I get a whole bunch of these types of hits but with very few good ones sprinkled in the mix, I misinterpret it for NO or VERY LITTLE attention, a dry spell of sorts. "Why is nobody talking to me? Am I washed up already?" When in reality, plenty of guys are checking me out but my god! Sometimes the collection of losers looking at me is appalling! I hate to be such a bitch but I'll be sitting there, in absolute disbelief that someone so ill-suited for me would even have the nerve to bother me. I'll let out an audible "Oh No, huh uh! What is this guy thinking!?" when I come across a real humdinger, like someone missing critically important front teeth or angrily giving the camera both middle fingers, or someone with horn implants in their forehead, yuck, spooky! Nowadays, it can go the other way too, though. My favorite fun, new site has the most supremely deeelicious collection of men from which to chose, and uncharacteristically, I find myself making the introductions, more times than receiving them. Most times, I get no response. I can't help but wonder if they're looking at my profile, divorced mommy of four, average looking at best, and saying, "WTF! I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole!", akin to the way I react to the duds who contact me, much to my own chagrin. After a few days of uncomfortable silence, however, Adam, one of my newer online crushes, did answer my opening e-mail, I was delighted! By all appearances he seems better than good. I especially like his all black ink, total sleeve tattoo coupled with the fact that he is a real professional, a mucho attractive dichotomy! There is that little fly in the ointment though...the fact that he NEVER drinks. Duh..duh..duh...duuuuuh! Could be either a major bone of contention or a great reason for me to go on the proverbial wagon for a spell. Anyway, he's out of town until the middle of next week so I'm prepared to not hear from him any sooner than that, if ever. Then there's this other guy, Travis, who contacted me after I peeked at his profile, we've been shooting regular e-mails back and forth, he seems cool and cute and funny and interested in meeting me. During our last exchange, we began contemplating what we should do exactly, when we do finally get together, which could be as soon as next weekend, hooray! I feel like Julie McCoy - Cruise Director, planning out all of our inaugural activities, which we mutually agreed should take place in my neck of the woods, this time. Btw, soldier boy Jack has been IM-ing me again, I guess he got all the other girls (and his wife) out of his system, and came groveling back to me, perhaps hoping that I wouldn't notice nor mind that he had bestowed upon me the dubious honor of now being his "fall-back girl". But guess what? So sorry - homey don't play dat! (well, for now, at least...) When I see all of this written here on my screen, the picture doesn't appear as dismal as I'm painting it, good stuff is still happening but my overall attitude towards everything is decidedly lackluster.

For the past week, all of my dating activities have been limited to online communication almost exclusively, specifically e-mail and IM's. I did talk to this one super nice guy on the phone the other night after I received an e-mail from him, completely out of the blue. Harry, who I met about 3 years ago at a party, (not an online acquaintance) literally weeks after I had become smitten with a new beau, was introduced to me by the hosts who diligently set out to lay the groundwork to set the two of us up. I explained that I would be happy for them to introduce us but they soon realized all their good intentions were for naught when I revealed that I was freshly head-over-heels with a new man. I saw Harry a year or so after that and by that time, I was deeply embroiled in the devastating Jimmy saga, so dice. Turns out a few weeks ago, Harry left mere minutes before I arrived at a party hosted by the same kind couple who continue to look out for my best interest. While their two families vacationed together, just the other weekend, my name came up again, hence Harry's subsequent e-mail and our eventual phone convo.. I was glad to talk to him. Things already felt a little more solid than the typical online dating crap shoot. The surprise element was near nil, cuz I've met the guy in person before. I knew what to expect. He is short but not too much so and a good bit older than I am which is fine, he's attractive and widowed with two children whose ages match up just great with my own children's ages. So, there we were talking on the phone, clearly both excited by the simple fact that we're both very single and he says to me, "I don't even remember what you look like" I laughed so hard, I could not get it together! I don't think he quite got why I thought it was so funny, but to me it was hilarious! I asked him if he did Facebook and he said he didn't, he thought that kind of thing was creepy (the man's entitled to his opinion, I 'spose) but I told him to set up an acct. for himself, it's an easy thing to do and that way he could peruse my "albums", that the photos there should jog his memory of how I do indeed look. He finally made his way to my profile and the first thing he did was read aloud, "Isobel is chatting it up with a real hottie, cross your fingers that he's a keeper!" which came straight off of my main page, I was like, oh shit! I had completely forgotten that I had typed those very words into the little box where you can inform your viewers of the mundane, insignificant little things that you may be doing at the time. That particular selection was penned during a rousing convo. I'd been having earlier, with Greg. I was so busted! There was no way that Harry would think it was written about the conversation I was currently having with HIM, because readers were conveniently notified that I had made the remark...A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO! I was so embarrassed. I attempted to neatly sweep it under the rug by not even so much as acknowledging it, but still...what a bummer. I got the feeling that he took me for a complete tart, which I very well may be. We hung up the phone after tentatively planning to get together in a couple of weekends, but I'll wager that after my gross misstep, the date never happens. This unfortunate intersection of a "from life" potential date with the virtual world brought to light the dramatic difference between online dating and traditional dating, on many levels not the least of which is the way in online dating we implement so many nifty tools by which to communicate. Before I ever tried online dating I pretty much relied exclusively on the telephone to talk to my bf's. Sure, there would be that occasional e-mail, like if they were out of town or for an extended stay or during break-ups when things are still too raw to address over the phone or in person, but typically we relied on the good, ole-fashioned telephone, to talk or make plans to see each other in person. I rarely talk on the phone with guys who i've met online and even more rare, of late, is the ever-elusive, face-to-face heart-to-heart. So, here we all sit, online daters anonymous - glued to our computer monitors, completely at the mercy of modern technology to keep us abreast of the comings and goings of the objects of our affection as well as under the intrusive eyes of those for whom we might not always feel the love. It's very difficult to cruise dating sites and be available to IM, discretely, folks just know when you're on and you, them. Which can be a blessing and a curse. Obviously it's great when you open your IM screen and instantly someone you dig, hits you up for conversation. Conversely, it totally sucks to get on, to be cheered to see someone who you find particularly captivating to be online, as well, so you keep yourself busy, hopping from site to site, hopeful that they may say "Hello" first and sometimes they simply never do. We all play the waiting game sometimes, neither wanting to appear the needier, so both wait indefinitely to contact the other until one caves, (phew!) or closes their screen in frustration or even indifference, crap! If a certain someone is on and they don't message me -it's very easy, (glutton for punishment, that I am) to succumb to an overwhelming lack of willpower by throwing caution to the wind by trying to reach them first, only to be disheartened by the absolute worst end-result: I open my IM account, my eager, face beckoning from a tiny, little square amongst all the others vying for the attention of every yummy possibility with whom we might chat, and just like of my top favorites, immediately signs out. That is such a dagger - I flippin' hate it! It's so obvious that they're trying to "get away" from me and most times I really don't understand it. This is exactly the kind of ridiculousness that has completely derailed the good thing that I had brewing with Greg, for a few days. One or both of us got a bug up our butt, and in stubbornly refusing to be the first one to contact the other we both wound up pissed off and feeling slighted, so we simply do not chat anymore, it's a minor tragedy. That's not to say that I haven't been guilty of intentionally utilizing such base tactics myself from time to time, in order to preclude possible interaction with someone no longer considered worthy, or to simply thumb my nose at a specific target as if to say, "I'd rather be bored and alone than sit next YOU on this stupid screen! I know what you're doing over there, you asshole! Same shit, different girl! HUMPH" I may open my screen and see someone who makes my skin crawl, and I immediately close myself out. Other times I purposely stay on as if to say, "Hey, I'm not gonna be scared off of here by you, you bully! I've got men to talk to" which may or may not be the case, but what the hell does he know? It's amazing how complex this relatively simple online dating tool can make things become if we let it. I think that's why I've let my activity level and even my overall interest to aggressively date, taper off a bit. I'm literally too tired these days, to wade through the bullshit that accompanies full-blown online dating, even knowing that there COULD be a glittering prize on the other side. I guess there are more pressing issues in my life these days, diverting my attention from this typically all-consuming online dating capriciousness...

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