The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Back to the Drawing Board

I have noticed a pattern of sorts, and it may just be the overly-superstitious numbskull that I am, reading more into things than really exists. But it seems to me, that as soon as I mention with eager anticipation that I am poised to make the acquaintance of a new, hot prospect, I jinx the chances of it ever working out! The minute I declare to my friends or co-workers, "Oh, this one feels right!" or "He feels like he could be the one" or "I have a good feeling about this one" the whole thing goes to Hell in a handbasket in a jiffy, I'm serious! That is precisely the reason that I will NOT divulge details about my upcoming date for this Saturday. I'd like to try to NOT curse what feels like a potentially good match-up. I've told you a bit about my intended escort, in a previous entry, but that's all the info you're gonna get for now. Don't worry, I'll give you a blow by blow account if the whole thing totally tanks (true to predictable form) or if miraculously we gel in real life, the way we have online and on the phone. I'm going to break tradition and meet the guy in person first, before I blab endlessly about how perfect he could be for me and once I have the first date under my belt, I will either spew ceaselessly about how wonderful things are or groan bitterly about what a disaster it turned out to be.

I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm to wholeheartedly pour myself into online dating these days has slowed because I'm distracted by my impending date, this weekend or if I'm seriously losing steam out of boredom. I'm in a kind of "been there done that" phase. I can honestly say that I believe my days of webcam antics, may be far behind me and even the sexy texting has completely lost its appeal. You guys may remember the smokin' hot, Italian cop who I briefly mentioned, awhile back. Well, nothing much has developed between us, I mean he IM's me from time to time and we get each other caught up on the minutiae of our lives and then inevitably the conversation lags and say goodbye. It's that way with me and several other fellas - kind of pointless really. We never do much more than briefly chat and sometimes one of us will trail off into oblivion, mid-sentence effectively ending an apparent waste of time. I always have the feeling that the guys in this category check in with me occasionally, to make sure I'm still there in case all of the other hotter, younger more geographically accessible tail they're chasing suddenly vanish. And, true to form, he, Gus - like all the others so many times before, recently came crawling back to me - the quintessential "Fall Back Girl", but with a touch more gusto this time. The other night I discovered a couple of missed IM's, which is fairly common with him, but in the morning when I looked at my cell, I noticed that he had tried to call, and that was something new. I texted my reply and told him that I almost always leave my cell in my car at night, and sorry that I missed his call. Let me remind you that this was the guy who when we first spoke, ages ago, wasted no time getting to the meat of what he considered to be important. Such as; did I like rough sex, was I submissive, how did I feel about anal, you know, the usual, heh heh! But in his phone message he sounded well, normal. He had a nice voice, deep enough, and with no apparent accent even though he's from NJ, and he kept it simple and polite, nothing dirty or untoward. I called him back on my lunch break, and again, we chatted about totally benign stuff, I was actually getting excited that maybe this time he would take me a bit more seriously and I hoped that we could possibly entertain the idea of a date with more in mind than simply, well...fucking, which was clearly all he was after when we first introduced ourselves. As I headed back to work after lunch, I got a picture text of him clad in his policeman uniform, situated in his patrol car looking very official, and I liked it! I returned the favor by sending him a shot of me in my work clothes and tool belt, not nearly as sexy a uniform as his, but I thought he might get a chuckle out of it. This was the point at which things began to spiral downward, who ever would have thunk it. He wrote back, saying that he had a "tool" for me, lol, ha ha, very funny! And then he requested that I text him a more revealing pic. of my hot bod when I got home. And that is where the conversation ended. You know, in the old days I would have been all over that shit, racing home to put on a cute pair of hip hugging, boy-cut undies and wearing nothing on top except my strategically positioned arms which would cover just enough of my boobs to make it a-ok, if the photo somehow ended up on the internet. But these days, I rarely have the time nor the gumption to deal with that kind of silliness. It used to be fun and amusing, but with my time and energy so limited, these days, I really can only devote my attention to the guys with whom I feel I could potentially cultivate a real relationship. I'm referring to the ones who refrain from badgering me relentlessly until I acquiesce and send "the goods", and sadly, these guys are few and far between, anymore. I had a similar thing occur a few nights later, when my foxy, little 19 yr. old pen pal who is from Chicago but goes to college in D.C., got in touch with me. We speak infrequently and it has never been anything more than polite small talk, barely flirting and mostly teasing each other about what might happen if he did ever come to my studio to model for my artist friends and me. After a bit of Im-ing he said that he was gonna turn on his webcam and I was like, Jesus Christ, here we go again...I was seriously NOT interested in messing with it, but he simply ignored my insistence that we should say good night because I had an early day, the next day and before I knew what was happening, he was flaunting the most ENORMOUS cock, right there on my computer screen. I was agog, to say the least, I mean that sucker was JUMBO, like the size of a Propel bottle, for real! And he claimed it was only semi-hard, FUCK an A! Listen here though, I was not turned on by it, I was utterly terrified of it. I seriously think if I tried to fit a dick like that inside of me, I would suffer, lasting physiological damage, yee-ouch! Fortunately, I managed to politely conclude our conversation, though there really wasn't much chatting going on by that point, put my trusty Mac to sleep and still hit the hay myself, at a reasonable hour.

The reason for needing to rise so early on a Saturday morning when my kids were with their dad, was because I had a DATE, remember? I wanted to get up in time to tidy my house (in the event we ended up back there since we planned to hang out for most of the day at the Fall Point to Point Races which were taking place in the general vicinity of my home) before meeting him - Travis - at 9 a.m. in a nearby town for coffee before the races. I'm gonna paraphrase here, we had a good rapport with one another and enjoyed a delightful day together at the races. My kids and my ex were there and Travis never made strange with them, nor them with him. I must have introduced him to a thousand people and he was always cordial and seemed sincerely interested in getting to know my friends and family. We laughed and had a lot in common, he is trim and attractive and shares a similar taste in music and cars. We ate a good dinner at my house, took a nap, played on my computer, smoked a joint and he eventually found the courage to tell me how pretty he thought I was and that he liked me very much (sweet). But you know, we never even kissed, leading me to believe that he was either very nervous or a complete gentleman, neither of which particularly works for me, although I was glad I didn't have to fend him off. I drew the obvious conclusion that I could not possibly have been attracted to him, really, like in that chemistry way, or else I would've been on him like stink on shit. He was more of a cute, little brother type than a potential paramour. I guess my jinxing theory doesn't really hold water because I had mostly kept a lid on the fact that I had a date with a new guy, prior to the big event. And even though we did have fun and taking him to the races was a great way to spend one of the last days of summer, I was, once again, back to the proverbial drawing board, for cryin' out loud!

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