The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

$45,000.00 Baby...

Lately, it's been suggested (by more than one overwhelmed reader) that my Big Ugly Blog entries are faaaaar too long...prohibitively so, in fact. I've been told that in order to better my arguably slim chances of ever even appealing to the masses, it might behoove me to be more concise as well as more frequent in my posting. And although I'm not sure if I'm even capable of altering my traditional method of posting chapters vs. snippets, I am willing to give it a try.

I've also had folks recommend, that in order to provide a bit of (evidently - much needed) visual interest, I might consider including photos on my blog, huh......of what exactly?.........liiiike...of all the hot cocks clogging up my inbox and my phone? That could work! But wait...I can't do that. Can I? No, I really think that I can't. If I betrayed the trust of any of the many men, who have so generously donated their most intimate snapshots for my entertainment - by sharing the wealth with you guys...could I not be in jeopardy of having serious legal action taken against me? Not to would probably be a pretty shitty thing to do. K...not goin' there...

I reckon I could post the slutty shots of myself, that I use as my profile pics. (on certain dating sites) as well as those that I contribute to #HNT on Twitter, thus utilizing my blog as yet another springboard off of which to further propel my innate exhibitionism. Facilitating even considering the idea of putting a face (and a bod) with the blog, is the fact that I am completely over giving a shit about protecting my identity, anymore. In the beginning of course, I was terrified that I might risk having my already tenuous reputation, deteriorate dramatically - should folks ever catch wind of the blog (silly me) By now though, the Big Ugly is old news, here in my microscopic community, and because of that, I never ignore any opportunity to shamelessly plug it...and this has slowly begun to pay off.

People approach me now, at say - Sheetz or my kids' athletic events (my dentist even asked me about the blog the other day) and they hit me up for the deets about recent or pending entries, or to offer their opinions and advice regarding certain events which might've caused them particular concern. My ex-husband even congratulated me the other day, on having finally found a hobby which has captivated me beyond my usual two week allotment of enthusiasm. But in the same breath, he chastised me for my choice of content..."What happens when the kids read it...because eventually - they will read it" (shit and double shit) All of this indicated to me that he'd either seen it for himself, or he'd heard Big Ugly stories through the grapevine, which was more than a little creepy and frankly, I didn't wanna know how much he knew...nor did I care to face the grim reality that my children will someday read my blog. Could be a year from now...maybe 15...regardless, the Big Ugly has been branded on the internets from now til eternity, so whenever they do decide to check the thing will be there waiting for them. *cringe*

I dunno...I guess I really just can't see posting a bunch of photos of myself on my blog. Not only would it get monotonous for you guys, rawther quickly - but it would most certainly fuel the whole "self-absorption" fire, and we can't have that now, can we?............hmmmm, on second thought...maybe I will post just one.

Something you won't catch me doing these days, is bitching about being bored. The recent swell in my social schedule has me optimistic, that the cyclical ebb of my oscillating dating opportunities, may well be surrendering to the flow...and I like it! And filling the gap between going on real live dates and hooking up with ex-boyfriends and things like that, is the steady stream of online introductions and the occasional peculiar of which took place a few weekends ago.

It was early on a Saturday morning, and as usual I was messing around a bit on my trusty ole Mac, before my kids got awake. I was savoring my pre-dawn routine of reading new mail and clicking one site after another to see who'd viewed and contacted me during the night, when I was interrupted by an IM from a 26 y/o, reasonably attractive (judging solely by his photo) young man from OkCupid. The first thing that he said to me was, "May I ask you something hypothetical?" and so I answered, "Sure"

I yawned and waited for the standard, "I love dominant older women...if we were ever together, would you punish me for being a bad boy?" or something equally as original...and charming

But what I got instead, kinda threw me for a loop...

Him: "Could I borrow your uterus and one of your eggs, and pay you for the favor accordingly?"

Me: (long pause...)

Me: "Are you being serious?"

Him: "Yes, completely. I would pay you $45,000 - five grand for each month you were pregnant, assuming you carry the baby to term. You would have to be willing to "try" as many times as it takes, until we end up with a viable pregnancy. You'd have to also agree to be with no other men during that time"

Me: "Well, I could definitely use the money, haha!"

Him: "If you think you deserve more for your time and trouble, name your price"

Me: "Jesus...Ok..."

Me: "So, are you planning on raising this baby as a single guy...all by yourself? Like, what if it's a girl? Would you be cool with that?

Him: "Yes, Yes and Yes"

Me: "Ok well...I have to say - this is just an awful lot to digest, this early in the morning. I'm gonna need to think about it, all right?"

Him: "Take your time"

...the weird thing was...that I actually DID think about it (pretty seriously in fact) over the next several days...because for one thing - I am POOR! And I mean shit - having babies was always a cinch for me. I'm fertile as hell...and so "trying" to conceive was never an issue (my four dear children are between the ages of 8 and do the math) plus it doesn't hurt that I always loved being preggers. And...childbirth and recovery were really no big deal for me. Seriously...what's nine months outta the whole rest of my life, right? I could suspend my partying and fucking around for a measly nine months, if it meant collecting a cool 45 G...couldn't I?

I even went so far as to plead my case to my kids...three of which rolled their eyes and shook their heads as they turned, mid-sentence, to walk away from me and my insanity. The fourth one though, (my 12 year old daughter) said, "Mom! If you do that, you will be frowned upon by everyone, for the rest of your life!" I found her extemporaneous disapproval amusing and chuckled, "What? Why?! What's the big deal? Women get paid all the time to be surrogate mothers!" and without wasting her breath to even bother to argue her point, she rolled her eyes...and turned to follow her sibs...

After a few days, the novelty of this bizarre request and my unrealistic excitement over finding a quick(ish) fix for (some of) my financial distress...gave way to logic.

First of all, I realized that the whole thing could've actually been just some stupid hoax...some online guy, bored out of his gourd, entertaining himself by fucking with a worn out old gal. Or what if he - at such a tender young age - somehow knew that he was physiologically incapable of procreating, and he was merely trying to trick me into fucking him indefinitely, knowing that I would never get pregnant. (Far-fetched I know - but you've been warned about my wild imagination...) Maybe he was serious...Yeah, but what 26 y/o guy in his right mind, (also) has enough cheddar to pay a middle-aged woman to incubate his seed, so that he can be a single father in the prime of his young adulthood?...Maybe he was already in a relationship and he and his significant other weren't able to conceive. What if his lover was a man, and this was the only way that they could think, to get the baby that they'd always wanted.

To do it for someone who would truly appreciate it, made me almost reconsider...but not quite...cuz the truth of the matter is - I don't think there's any amount of money that would be tempting enough to convince me to have another baby...ever...'deed not (maybe) Think about it. I'm older than dirt, I like to party way too hard and the thought of making a baby for that guy or anyone else, while in an age-related, high risk category - for catastrophic neonatal health issues...was definitely less than appealing, to say the least (I'm not so sure $45,000.00 would be enough for me to have an amniocentesis! Have you seen the size of that needle?!) I should also throw in that I'm VAINER 'N FUCK! (as if you didn't already know that) Like what if I got pregnant, and gained more than 12 pounds?! That sounds terrible, I know...but is it any worse than accepting cash to have a complete stranger's baby?

What ultimately had the most impact though, was that thing at which I'd snickered at first...and something that I still don't believe could even happen. My 12 year old daughter however, did believe that if I had that young man's baby for money, I would be "frowned upon for the rest of my life"...more specifically, frowned upon by her, I presumed.

Just knowing how dead set she was against it, convinced me that I could never actually go through with something like this (I'm pretty sure) Because even though I don't get particularly bunched up about how other folks perceive me, my kids' opinions of me, really do matter.

The best part though, is that after all that time spent weighing the balance between: padding my pockets...and scaling moral high ground - my would-be sperm donor was the one who decided that all bets were never bothering to contact me again...So see? There ya' go...the joke really was on me...pfft!

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