The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Monday, April 26, 2010

...Tomorrow Could Be Hell To Pay

I am delighted to announce, that it took me no time at all to bounce back from being churlishly slighted by the Nail-Biter and his phantom penis problems, a few weeks ago. In fact, if I hadn't blogged our story just the other day, I am quite sure that he would be completely (well, mostly) erased from my memory, by now. And I feel that I must give credit for my speedy online dating as a whole.

See, people can bad-mouth internet dating all they want, but I personally have found (most of) my dating sites to be as comfy and welcoming as a beloved neighborhood pub (only here, there's no need to tip your server) Online dating provides a sanctuary of sorts, for tens of thousands of other desperate singles like myself, who count on the camaraderie that can be found in what (for me) has become a place of refuge. By now I know, that whenever the chips are down, I'm better off skipping the disappointing bar scene altogether, and instead, bellying up to my trusty ole Mac, which I can count on (pretty much without fail, anymore) to lead me straight into temptation and deliver me to evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever...Amen.

And since I've been even more aggressively combing the waters of the online dating pool lately, I have adopted a new m.o., which is to come clean with guys about the blog, right away - and my reason for doing so is trifold.

First off, I have been on an aggressive blog promotion campaign recently, and so aside from boosting the Big Ugly's presence via more frequent tweets and my semi-nude contributions to Twitter's #HNT, I figured what better way to plug it, than to post the link on my dating site profiles, whereby putting my blog directly in the hot little hands of gawking would-be suitors and desirable prospects, as well.

What's funny to me though, is that I automatically assumed that any man who reads my blog, will run in the complete opposite direction, terrified of potentially forfeiting his dignity in exchange for a few hearty yucks. And I'm sure that there have been plenty of good ones who have done just that (pity). It's not such a radical concept - that for me to advertise on a dating site, that I write about and spare little detail of every blog-worthy encounter - could easily be committing social suicide. On the contrary however, what I've noticed is this sort of "cream rising to the top" effect, ever since instituting my new plan. What I mean by that is, seems most guys who read my blog (and who don't make strange, afterwards) possess a few of the qualities that are not only de rigueur for dealing with me and my bloggage, but are also traits that I find extremely attractive...most commonly, a sigh-inducing blend of self-confidence and courage...which I must admit - really zips my fly...or whatever...

Other times (as I've mentioned before) I attempt to use the horror stories featured in my blog, as a means by which to frighten off certain men. And remarkably, I can think of only one instance where I know that I've been successful at using the Big Ugly to 86 a dolt.

It shocks me to think that any man could actually dig reading the stories that I so callously disclose about them and their distant "brothers". I mean - I can understand why women would enjoy the Big a kind of "been there done that" sorta way. But I would think that it could easily enrage some men, or at the very least - turn them against me. And yet I hear it firsthand, that most men approve of it (and even get a stiffy while reading certain there is that)

And finally, the third reason for my newfound straightforwardness is this...Ok, let's say that I have written to (which is rare) and luckily gotten a response from someone who at first glance, makes my squishmitten tingle. As tempting as it might be to keep mum (especially if I'm surprised that such a gem would even respond in the first place) I know that if this is someone who I should ever chance to git wit, he would feel entrapped and betrayed, if after we'd met and did whatever...I wrote all about it in the blog without his knowledge. And like I said, I've made the link virtually impossible to miss on my profiles, so even if I kept it zipped - he could easily come across it himself, anytime after the fact (a la Babyarm)

Again, by doing this, I'm at risk of scaring off a good candidate...which would sting even more, if I'd allowed myself to get excited about him already. But I think that he would be just as likely to flee and in more of a huff, if he read that I'd written about him after we'd spent some time together, which would be especially tragic if we did hit it off....and that could make me sad (So see? I might still have feelings, after all!) Needless to say, nowadays - before I let things proceed, every guy is given fair warning, after which - the decision is his...whether to beg off or stay put. The former would def. be a bummer...but not nearly as much as it would, if it happened after I'd already started to really like the man. You following me?

VelveTongue is the most recent in the short line-up of chaps that I've met in person, who had full knowledge of my blog, beforehand. I met him on CougarLife - so yes - he's very young...25 to be exact, but I am not exaggerating even a little, when I say that he is hands down, the most mature 25 year old that I have ever had the pleasure of...ummm...meeting. Right..."mature 25 y/o"...kind of an oxymoron...but I'm tellin' ya', VelveTongue intimidates me! He makes me feel like the inexperienced half of the pair. He's just so goddamned smart...and has his shit so totally together, professionally as well as personally. The icing on the cake is that he also has mad skills in bed. VelveTongue is a man who knows who he is, what it is that he wants...and exactly what needs to be done in order to get it. All of which has me admiring him from this sort of puppy dog state of reverence.

It doesn't hurt either, that he's fucking GOR-GEE-OUS! You just have no idea...I'm still trying to decide which I like more...his nose or his hands. Each of which represents in more general terms...his face and his body. He's one of the few who've been two for two on the whole nose/hands thing, and you all know how much that silly shit matters to me. But that's just for starters...VelveTongue's got the entire physical package working in congruous conjunction with his incandescent charisma. (Plus, I LOVE his teeth...and he smells really good!)

One of the key components of his very able anatomy is, you guessed it - that multitalented tongue of his...I still haven't quite figured out how to tune my ears to his unique verbal frequency. The couple of times that we've been together, I have found myself leaning in to him and repeatedly asking..."'Scuse me?"..."What?"..."HUH?!"...because his utterances come out strung tightly together like pearls on a strand of silk thread...minimal inflection, few breaks between words and at an almost inaudibly low decibel...the nuance of which, is somewhat hypnotic, despite being virtually indiscernible...Who cares, that this novel language of his, leaves his lips like a lullaby, the lyrics literally lost to the melody...the very sound and quality of his voice...fully does me in.

Not to mention, I am this close to awarding VelveTongue the high honor as Best Kisser Ever, since he's got that whole thing going on in spades. Which I 'spose could perhaps be attributed to a God-given gift, but to me also illustrates yet another facet of his enigmatic maturity.

When we first started talking, and I informed VelveTongue of the premise of my blog, he said something which indicated to me, that impressing me, was a bit of a personal challenge for him. He seemed to think that a bigger insult than being written about unfavorably, would be for me to consider him "un-blog-worthy". I liked that he wasn't the slightest bit intimidated by the likelihood that I might find fault with him and write about it accordingly, and instead - he seemed amply prepared to rise to the occasion...and honey, let me tell ya' something...that he did...that he did!

I hate to even think about counting how many penises I've seen over the course of the last two years...not so much because I hate thinking about penises (cuz I'm actually pretty fond of the little buggers!) but more because it reminds me of what a fucking tart I've become...but that's neither here nor there...The point that I really wanna make is, that after having sampled so many, many specimens, I have become fascinated with how different they all are...not just in how they look, but also in how they fit. Enter VelveTongue...literally...

On top of all of his other charming and irresistible qualities, VelveTongue's junk was to my stuff - like a rack is to a pinion...we operated like a fine-tuned machine which handled just beautifully.................................

Sorry...trailed off there for a second............

Ok, so because of ALL of this - I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and suggest that VelveTongue is my favorite cub to date, barring virtually none. But here is where him knowing about the blog is a good thing (no big surprises later to potentially send him packing) as well as a potentially detrimental one (big surprises later, to potentially send him packing)

If it weren't for my recent push to ramp up Big Ugly business by putting myself out there more than ever, which is only compounded by my newfound contentment with staying single, I think that I could easily fall for the young stud. Fortunately, I know better than to do something quite so foolish as that, and so for now, I shall be satisfied with seeing and being with him, whenever I can. Problem is, although we have never come close to broaching the subject of being "mutually exclusive" or anything like that, I can't help but wonder if my compulsion to seek and find fresh fodder, and to then report about it in my blog - could quickly put an end to the naissance of our friendship.

You and I both know, that when left to my own devices...I am apt to get into some kind of trouble...and who's to say?...At this point, I might already have...

1 comment:

  1. Some like a challenge, some turn and flee. Being strait up with prospects about the blog is the right thing to do. Velvet got a good review but this thing is just getting warmed up! Might want to wait a couple of acts before cementing favs....

    Whilst early vintages may indeed delight in the short run, those that have stayed in the cask a bit longer are more flavorful. Bottom line is there is no experience like.... experience.

    Try it, you might like it.