That's the (Mean) Spirit!

Ok, here's the deal, I just deleted like 400 words off of this page, for maybe the fifth time. The good news is, that I don't care, it was all crap before (very likely may still be), and - I am finally out of my yucky slump, thank goodness! I've actually kind of come full-ish circle to where I was when I first attempted this entry, like 6 days ago (more?) Back then I was happy, not because I'd unearthed some brand new gem in this dreary online dating landscape, but because I was enjoying well-established as well as burgeoning friendships. Things took a decided turn for the worse, when one particular asshole, acted a complete foo' and literally knocked the flippin' wind out of me by being nothing short of heartless and cruel, twice. But now, thanks to a couple of key friendships, I have snapped out of my days long depression (?) and am now forging ahead in a modified direction. But real quick, back to the asshole...sorry - I'm not going to dwell on this, I swear - I barely want to even quantify the reason behind my sudden shift from unabashed childlike joy to gut-wrenching angst, the culprit for my dismay doesn't deserve 5 more minutes of my time in any regard. Let me just say, that this person, someone who I have fooloshly believed could be the ultimate panacea to my online dating woes, wound up to be the person from whom I most wanted to be rescued, the fucker! There, that's all the energy that I'm going to devote to the prick, ever again, period, end of story.

During the weekend my malaise was palpable to everyone who talked to me, and a couple of really close friends, Frances included, suggested that I take a break from all of the swirling bullshit associated with online dating, and get the hell away from my trusty, ole Mac for awhile. "Just give it a rest, work on your art or start that children's book, you've been threatening to write" I realized that they were right, and I was this close to deleting all of my profiles on all of the sad dating sites where I post. I figured, most anyone to whom I still wanted to talk would be able to find me, either through regular e-mail or IM or the phone, and I could choose to answer or not, so fuck the meanies and the losers! I was just so frustrated with where I was after nine long months of trying desperately to find a man and in the process, shirking the rest of my interests/duties. Sadly, I haven't really learned anything, I am just as much a fool now, as I was when I was a virtual dating greenhorn. Not to mention, the time I spend on my computer eats up all of my creative time, I rarely paint or draw or sew, anymore. I mess around online and go on hopeless dates, fanatically and psychotically write about them, and for what? Nothing but a bunch of disappointment. My writing has even gotten kinda stale, and it's dramatically less fulfilling, for me. So, in my state of utter disgust with the whole fiasco, I decided to hide one profile and tried to hide another, but since I'm such a weenie, I only kept it that way for about 10 minutes, if that, and then my curiosity got the better of me, as usual. So, I unhid the one and within minutes, I had an e-mail from a guy to whom I had talked briefly, about 3 months ago. Ah ha! See? It was worth it to keep myself visible! (Am I really this retarded?) At the time, when Carl and I first noticed each other, I thought he was the cat's pajamas! He had the look that I like, rugged, nice build, shaved head, but you could tell that he still had a full head of dark hair, and he has a big Ford truck - but he wasn't just some nasty redneck, either. He had a great face and the "nose" and a most delightful smile which spurred a chain reaction of cheerful laugh lines which radiated from the outside corners of his eyes! He was good to talk to and I was never really sure why he disappeared, cuz he did...disappear, suddenly and completely. I didn't chase after him, I just figured it wasn't meant to be, and I would venture to say that there must have been plenty else going on at the time, which sufficiently entertained me out of desperately trying to regain his interest. I always thought that it could have had something to do with me forwarding the letter I got from the "Nice Tits" guy, maybe he just didn't see the humor, maybe I came across as too crass a woman, for him. Anyway, so there he was again, Sunday night...right in my extended moment of crisis. I was beside myself, I got all fluttery and weird. This time Carl seemed more eager to meet me. We've texted a bit and e-mailed a bunch and even went so far as to plan a date for this Saturday night, somewhere in between our towns. Oh yeah, that's the bummer...we live 3 hours apart, yipes! At one point after re-discovering each other, there was a slight lull (like 7 hours?) in the conversation, so I asked him if I'd scared him off, again. He said, "No way! I think you're a doll and I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better!" Dontcha just love that? He thinks I'm a doll!!! I was blushing, it was so sweet!

Regardless of this teeny ray of sunshine and my moderately uplifted spirits, I still didn't really know where I wanted to go with this blog entry. I seriously considered just bagging the blog entirely until I could get myself back together and actually had something substantial about which to blab. I was chattin' it up, a couple of nights ago, with my favorite young hottie, Juan, the 22 year old from Maryland. We have been e-mailing for forever it seems and recently we even upgraded our communication to IM-ing. I have held off on talking about him on here, because early on, when we first talked, I told him about the blog. I think I was semi-consciously attempting to keep him at a safe distance, certain that he would then have no desire to get involved with me and potentially risk being ripped to shreds in my typically scathing entries. But also, after I got to know him a little better, I liked him, especially since he did still talk to me despite knowing about the blog. I was compelled to protect him from being publicly discussed, unless he gave me the go-ahead, which he has actually done, now. But the real issue at hand was that it literally made no sense at all for me to even consider mixing it up with a 22 year old college student who lives a couple of hours away, at home with his parents, still. Frances shushes me whenever I mention anything about it, unless I go off on a more reasonable tangent about keeping him in the fold with the ultimate objective being to set him up with the gorgeous, young gym teacher at our children's school, she'll let me talk about him in that context only. She gets so frustrated when I moan and complain about being so cursed in relationships, and yet, in essence, I really do nothing to remedy my situation, because as she puts it, I am insistent upon "wasting my time" talking to guys who make absolutely no sense for me. I see her point, but Juan is fun to talk to, plain and simple. And seriously, I think we both know, deep down inside that the chances of anything with real staying power materializing between us is very unlikely. It just feels good to be able to talk openly with him about every single thing, teeny or huge, and I sincerely consider him one of the best friends I've made through all of this online dating garbage. Anyway, the other night I was talking to him and I was bitching about assholes (namely one!) and you know, it turns out that his experience hasn't been any better than mine, really. And before I knew it the little guy had written his very own blog entry about his own frustration with online dating! It was great, really funny and I loved that his perspective, one from a much younger, male vantage point, was so different from my own. I mean we essentially gripe about the same shit, but his voice is younger and, well...masculine. I was just so happy that he did it, and his enthusiasm about writing rubbed off on me and I realized that I needed to get my ass back into gear. I needed to stop sulking and do what I love to do and that's to write, but also to draw and paint and sew. So, gracias - to cute, little Juanny Baby for picking me up out of my funk and inspiring me to be creative and productive, once again! And for also reminding me that messing around online, (even if it is with guys who from the outside looking in appear to be malapropos pour moi) isn't entirely for naught...

The other little buddy of mine, who has consistently kept my spirits up, is Better Jimmy. We talk some nights for hours, other days we don't talk at all, but it doesn't matter, nobody gets miffed if there is a brief pause in our running dialog. We just pick right back up where we left off the last time and enjoy each others company from nearly 3 hours apart. He makes me laugh and he's open about his dating disasters. I really appreciate that he confides in me about his women worries. We will never be boyfriend and girlfriend, but like with Juan, I am happy and satisfied to be nurturing what I hope will be a lasting friendship.

Ok, so this entry is admittedly pretty weak, I know. I guess for the sake of entertainment purposes I'm gonna have to break my vow of silence and tell you the story about the bad, mean man and the sad, little girl...

By early last week, Mark and I were picking up steam. We were back into our old routine, excitedly sending seedy texts to each other with a sprinkling of graphic videos thrown in for good measure. I have been inescapably hypnotized by him for as long as I've known him, I honestly believe he could've talked me into robbing a bank for him and all that I would've expected in return would be a short clip of himself in his bathroom, tugging away at a raging hard-on, which I would naturally assume was the direct by-product of him thinking about...me...Even though he still lives with his woman, I don't think it's been my imagination that he has fostered the notion that we would someday meet and fuck and fall totally in love with each other. Why the hell else would we be messing with any of what we do together if that was never to be the end result? (I am such an idiot) Recently he's been particularly down in the mouth about his job and his boredom in his relationship and so, on Thursday morning, I asked him if he wanted to know what I thought. He said he did. I told him that I thought that he should get the hell outta the "Rust Belt" as he calls his general vicinity, move to D.C. - cuz I'm certain that he could find a good job there, and that way he would be living midway between where all of his family lives and his parents' place at the beach in NC, and best of all...only an hour and 30 away from me...the girl foolhardily vying to win his affection, forever. He poo pooed the notion, and torqued, I quipped back, "We're never gonna meet, are we?" He answered with a cold, "Nope" I literally fell to pieces, I was crying over a man who I have never touched, smelled, gazed upon. It just didn't make any sense. But he had destroyed me, yet again. And to make it worse, he laughed at me, made fun of me and punctuated his insensitivity with a cool, "dear lord"

I worked my way through this little hiccup and dusted myself off, once again determining to just enjoy it for what it is. Ok, I could do that right? I didn't want to let him go, I couldn't...I was falling for him, again...hard. We found each other on IM, later that afternoon and I was getting ready to flash him my tits, when the phone rang. It was Frances calling my studio from over at my house. I told him I had to go because my friend was there and he said I should ask her to come over to the studio so she and I could kiss for him on the webcam. I was like, "Uh, I don't think so, she would never go for that. But I do have a really cute, crazy girlfriend who I'll bet, would do it in a minute." Well, let me tell ya', he sunk his venomous fangs right into that shit and from that point on, he would not let it rest. He said he'd return the favor by letting us see him get himself off if we'd just kiss each other for him, there on my webcam. I have never kissed a woman, but this friend of mine is absolutely adorable, I mean if I had to kiss a girl, if my life or Mark's pleasure, depended on it, I could definitely kiss her. I told him I'd do my best to arrange for it. Under one condition, he could not fall for her. He promised that he wouldn't.

I asked my good buddy if she would have any interest in staging such a silly romp, and she was totally cool with it. Oh, well that was easy. Next we had to actually perform said act. I wondered if I would really be able to pull it off, I was nervous to kiss a good friend, it is kinda weird, but I kept telling myself that it was all for the sake of a good time, who knew? Maybe she and I would enjoy it...strange concept. I think it was Friday afternoon, and she and I were at my studio. We found Mark online, he was at work, obviously, but that didn't matter because he had video files to send to us, which he promptly did, of himself in crescendoing stages of arousal, as promised. My pixie-esque friend and I studied his vids. and turned the webcam on ourselves. Mostly we just acted like immature young girls, making faces at him while I IM-ed him. What he didn't realize was that she was ducking out of the picture to tell me that she thought Mark was kinda creepy, very narcissistic and she didn't like the way he talked to me (take that and shove it way up where the sun don't shine, asswipe!) and the next thing I knew, she was heading to the door, saying she had to leave and go pick her kids up from school, just like that, huh. I was fine with it. I was starting to have second thoughts about sucking face with a dear friend, even though Mark had lived up to his end of the bargain. Fortunately, he didn't seem too disappointed, I reckon he figured we'd do it for him at a later date, which I still believe we would've if he hadn't fucked everything up by being blatantly hateful.

Later that afternoon, I sent him a text to gush about how much I seriously liked him (still not sure why I put myself out there like I do) and do you know what the fuckhead had the nerve to fling at me? He said, and I quote, "U r not gonna b ok w me talkn to her ru?" BAM! There it was, and it was nothing short of a full-force punch in the stomach. My cheeks got all tingly, like I was gonna barf on the spot, and water formed a growing meniscus which quickly leaked from my lower eyelids. I could not believe that he would dare say something so callous, he really didn't give a shit about me! I was not only heartbroken by his lack of tact and insensitivity but I had to accept that he was a completely different person than what I had thought. This was someone - from whom I now knew - I needed to stay far, far away. The vomitous stomach ache I suffered was strikingly reminiscent to the 15 month-long one I had endured during Jimmy's and my stint with each other. Mark knew how paranoid I was that he was gonna choose her over me, and here he was basically rubbing my nose in the fact that...he had. I let him know I was upset and he comforted me by simply saying, "good god"

I was about to implode with crippling despair, seriously unsure of how I was gonna finish the rest of my day, when who should send me a well-timed, bright and shiny text-o-joy, but my sweet, little friend Juan. My age-inappropriate online pal had unintentionally temporarily rescued me from certain overwhelming gloom. Well, whaddya know? There are real gems to be found amongst the otherwise stinky pile of refuse, after all...