The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm Baaaack!

I am back from my mini-sabbatical and as of Sunday evening, there was really nothing exciting to report, since I had been mostly out of the online dating loop for like 7 or 8 days.

I had the good fortune of being a participant in the amazing Algonkian Writers Workshop, from Tues. night through Sun. afternoon! It was a priceless experience, not just because of all that I learned but also because I met some really fascinating folks, there! The small group of writers attending was diverse and I quickly grew to dig each and every one of them, as well as our animated instructor! It was such a fun group of peeps. Speaking of which..."Hey, Yo!" - Al, and Kelly and Tamara and Tom and John and Tanya and MICHAEL! You guys BETTER be reading this!!! Anyway, I explained to them all about The Big Ugly Blog, early into the workshop, so they had a pretty good idea of my exaggerated degree of boy craziness from the git-go. On Wed. morning, I left my cabin, hopped in my cute, little car (so I could go back home to check on me pups and be joyfully reunited with my trusty, ole Mac), and turned the key...and wouldn't you know - the blasted thing had the gall to refuse to behave. I did not happen to have a set of jumper cables on board, so I was forced to call over to the Park Ranger's office and beg for assistance in trying to resuscitate it. The guy who answered the phone, Roy, sounded pretty rugged and cute, and he was quite the flirt. I kept thinking how funny it would be if when he showed up to help me that he was a total babe and we wound up falling madly in love...*sigh* Most everyone else in our group was heading over to a nearby bookstore, to get started on the homework assignments, but before the carload of fellow writers left me - potentially stranded, they asked if I was gonna be ok. I told them that the ranger was coming to give me a jump and that (what luck!) - he sounded pretty hot! They asked if I had spoken to "Roy" and I said, "Yeppers!" and winked and they were all like, "Uh huh, ok honey... you go for that" and as they pulled out of the driveway, each one of them unconcerned with stifling their snickering. I shrugged off their pessimism and skipped back over to my temperamental, sweet baby car, tried to start her up again, and lo and behold, the engine turned over and caught! I hurriedly drove up the road to the Ranger's office, to try and catch Roy before he'd gotten too far down the road and to let him know that I now had everything under control, but more than anything, I wanted to catch a glimpse of the gorgeous, hunky specimen that I had vividly pictured, thanks entirely to my overactive imagination and my increasing appetite for male interaction due to my extended separation from all of my online cuties. I saw a car approaching and I was certain it must have been Roy since traffic was otherwise virtually nonexistent, in the park. I stopped my little car in the road, ran up to the driver's window and nearly crapped my pants! Roy do I put it? Phenomenally...well...revolting?! He was a gargantuan man. I was convinced that prying him out of the front seat where he appeared to be uncomfortably wedged, could quite possibly require the jaws of life. His face was like three times the size of a normal human face, his big bearded jowl laying prone across his massive chest...fanfuckingtabulous! But the piece de la resistance of this unfortunate package was the abnormally large skin tag, dangling from his left eyelid. I'm not really sure how he was even legal to drive, considering such an impediment..need I say more? I was aggressively busting my own chops as I went back to my little car, quickly jumped in and left in a hurry. I knew I would never hear the end of it once I was reunited with my fellow writers...urgh!

I've been home now, for a few days and I've been working my ass off to make up for lost time, it's exhausting (hee hee) but as always my greed is the fire under my fanny. I've been tooling around on all of my favorite dating sites and catching up on mail and even went through the entire 1000-strong list of available men on one site, only to find a scant handful of any interest to me, poo! Mischievous and adorable Better Jimmy and I have been texting each other pretty solid which is always a guaranteed laugh fest. I am about this close to officially kicking frickin' Sam to the curb. He just keeps giving me the run-around, one minute acting like he's absolutely desperate to come see me (even offering to come stay with me at the workshop) but then totally blowing me off the next, via text, always limply relying on his patent excuse, "Hectic life"...awww...poor baby! I'm thinking that he may have used up all of his "Get Outta Jail Free" cards. But I'm not entirely sure, just yet. And - there is a new guy, 6' 6" (woah) really handsome, with a dent in his chiseled chin, and a great big, contagious smile which radiates not only from his mouth, but also from his cheerful eyes, as well. He seems good, and he emphatically asserts that he is very interested in me. Almost too interested. He's 37, retired (for real?)...and is raising his teenage daughter, on his own. The bummer is that he lives over 4 hours away in Ocean City, but he consistently tempers my pessimism about the distance between us, by remaining upbeat, sharing stories about friends and family members who carried on long-distance relationships which ultimately culminated in life-long wedded bliss. Strangely, "Ocean City" can come across sometimes, as insecure and pouty (totally contrary to the whole, "You gotta stay positive if you're gonna talk to me" business he forced upon me) The only other odd thing about him, is that he won't (can't?) talk to me on the phone. He offered up me some flimsy excuse, claiming that Verizon had deleted his number or something. Really? Somehow I doubt that. And even if they did....he should be pissed off enough to get it reactivated, you know? I simply cannot figure out how "Ocean City" can claim to be the primary care-giver of a 14 yr. old daughter and not have a functioning phone. Doesn't that seem awfully fishy? 

This was kinda funny (kinda not) I was so desperate for any attention the other night, that I accepted this one guy's request to IM me. I checked out his profile and it seemed ok, 'cept there was no photo, uh oh. But I went ahead and talked to him a bit. I asked why he didn't post a pic. and he gave me some business about keeping his identity on that site on the down-low cuz of work, blah, blah, blah. Anyway he sent me a pic. and it was, you know...fine and all. He was a pretty big, burly guy, not really my type, but for some unknown reason, I let him call me, anyway. Holy Hell! Immediately into and for the endurance of our convo. he was practically robotic in his repeated droning about having an "ornery side" but being "very professional at work". I swear, he must've said it like 15 times and each time it was as if he thought he was bringing it up for the first time, like he was shedding new light on a fascinating facet of his personality. I finally wound up laughing out loud,the whole thing was so absurd. And I felt so bad because we weren't talking about anything that shoulda made me laugh that hard. But he just kept interrupting my hysteria with, "Well, I do have an ornery side, I'm VERY playful, but I am also very professional at work" And then something like, "I really like to snuggle and cuddle" I simply could not get myself back together. It's like when you're at church and something tickles your funny bone and the place is totally silent, save the preacher's moronic rambling, and the harder you try NOT to laugh the harder you actually DO LAUGH! I was in tears, shaking and my stomach was killing me, it was a riot! After I finally collected myself, I told him that I needed to hit the hay but assured him that we'd talk again, soon - NOT! He sent me a couple of e-mails which I never bothered to open and just today, I saw that he had deleted his profile. Now see...I HATE THAT! And it happens to me a bunch; a guy will e-mail me, and if I don't respond, even after just a day or two, suddenly his profile disappears. It's not that I'm bummed that I didn't get to know him, or anything like that, it's more that the teeny little bit of conscience that I still possess, tells me that it was MY cold cruelty that turned the guy off completely, from the whole online dating thing, altogether. I always feel SOOOOO guilty! Hate that!

Well, folks...that is all that I have to report, at the moment. I know, the pickin's are a bit slim. It feels like I'm in a torturous "One step forward, two steps back" phase. Putting forth a ton of effort but getting no real returns. Oh well, I reckon I'll just keep plodding along like a good little slave to my addiction...

1 comment: