I know, I know! This is just way too much time between entries, and I promise - I won't let it happen again! In an uncharacteristic break from tradition, these last few weeks have been almost entirely about my kids and my friends, with very little of my attention foolishly devoted to online dating. It's actually been kind of nice to take much needed respite from all the chaos, of late. Don't get me wrong, it's not as if things have been entirely calm and mellow, oh hells no! The pandemonium of the holidays simply stole the spotlight away from the usual virtual dating hubbub for a spell. Simply put, I haven't been writing because there really hasn't been all that much interesting about which to write. Well...there was that one thing with the banana...
What were we even talking about the last time I wrote, hmmm...Oh yeah, my impending date with Carl, which unfortunately - never transpired. At the time, it was somewhat crushing that he decided to bail at the eleventh hour and his swift retreat compounded my already gloomy disposition, the onset of which was brought about by my holidays-induced anxiety. I have to say, though, that leading up to our "date" I was beginning to wonder if Carl was maybe just another greedy playah, since I continually caught him bopping around on the same site as I was, yet I could never coax him into responding to my IM attempts and I would consistently wait for half days or longer sometimes, for him to answer the e-mails I sent. That wouldn't have been such a big bugaboo, except that each time I sent a message, I immediately checked to see if he had opened it since he was clearly goofing off on the same site as I was, and whaddya know, every time I looked, to my dismay I discovered that he had in fact read what I had sent, but for one reason or another he chose not to respond...til much much later. Grrrrr...Seemed he was way too busy making new or maintaining other more important old connections to be bothered with the likes of me. I started to get something of a complex, it was more than just a bit bewildering. There was really no sense in me getting all worked up about it since ultimately, I was forced to have to accept his decision not to meet me, his excuse being that he was afraid we might "fall for each other" (What? I can certainly think of worse problems to have) and the 3 hour distance between us would make dating difficult. Ok, I see his point and I get that, but for the life of me, I could not figure out why in the world he waited til the morning of the day we were to meet, to deduce it. If he would've just talked to me AT ALL, during the week prior, we probably would've figured it out a lot sooner and then I wouldn't have wasted my time getting my hopes up on him. Plus, he was the one who came up with the big idea to meet in the first place, the turdball. Why his sudden change of heart? The only thing that I could surmise was that somewhere in between the time he nearly frantically asked me when we could meet and the day we had planned to actually do so, he must've found some other girlie who came to the table with a better package, whatever, who can say. Nevertheless, great-looking Carl with the sweet bod and the great face and the righteous truck (but still not a redneck) is officially out of the picture.
I still talk regularly to funny and cute Better Jimmy, sometimes for hours at a time, when I'm tucked into my bed at night. He's really becoming a good friend and a confidant. It's such a shame that there is seemingly no way for us to cultivate a bf/gf relationship, I think he really is a great catch. But alas, the dreaded distance shit, again...
There is this one guy, Steven, at the sight of whom, a couple of months ago, my ears definitely pricked. When I read his profile, I immediately recognized his "description of himself" as a plagiarized quote from my all-time favorite comedy, Anchorman. It occurred to me that we could possibly be kindred spirits (absurd, I know), so I sent him a short and sassy note, to which, much to my glee - he wittily replied. But that was it, nothing more after that, zip, zilch, zero. So, right after Christmas I caught him sniffing around at my profile, again and I could not resist striking up a brand new conversation. He did indeed answer my short message and so began an ongoing e-mail dialog which quickly morphed into regular IM-ing and phone calls, an eventual date and then another. Yeppers, tis true - we've gone out already, a couple of times...and I do like him...and he doesn't live prohibitively far away...and he is attractive and tall and athletic and very smart and when he wraps his big hands around my waist, it does send lightening bolts through my middle..."So?" - you may be wondering, "What's the big "But"?" What IS the big "But"?...Well, I guess it could be that he is a tad brooding for my taste, and a bit of a "know-it-all", although we do enjoy lively and insightful discussions about all kinds of stuff...I don't really like his apartment and the fact that I would have to always park several blocks away...And he has this one funky snaggley tooth which kind of upsets the aesthetic balance of his otherwise handsome face (although his head is oddly shaped and his ears are prominent) but the fact that he has maybe the world's most perfect nose and one of my favorite chins, ever - kind of negates the tooth thing. Plus Frances says, "Don't be silly, you can change teeth!" or "tooth", as the case may be. The other thing, and this is where I really hate to hear myself talk, I can be so harsh and critical - he has an absolutely gorgeous body, he's over 6' tall and he's a personal trainer and an ex-competitive athlete, so he's built, which, you know, is sort of a requirement of mine and not always that easy to come by in my dating age range. The problem is that he has a lot of mole-y things randomly dispersed around his body, I mean a few would be all right and I could deal with that - sort of, but there are a bunch, and I don't like it. You know cuz it'll be dark, and I'll be sliding my hands around his back and butt and legs and stuff and I'm really getting into it but I am instantly jarred from my happy place when my hand trips over some enormous growth. (I suck, I am just such a mean old hag. If I keep this shit up I am destined to be alone forever) I don't feel like his slight imperfections are deal-breakers, I mean I am planning on getting together with him, again. I just hope our potent chemistry (which is pretty insane!) can override my fixation on the things about him that bug me...
And now, for the final installment in this here, long-overdue blog entry...
Late one night, I dunno - 11:45, 12? just a few days before Christmas, I bumped into my cute and adorable little playmate, Juan as we both stumbled around - drunk, online. We flirted and teased each other on IM and soon our growing, mutual curiosity inspired us to turn on our webcams, we hadn't done that before...I already knew he was dashingly good-looking (amazing nose and smile!) from looking at his online pics. and the texts that he has sent to me, but it was just a million times better to see him in his snappy green polo - in live, blooming color right there on my computer monitor. He's even cuter than I realized and so animated and hilariously funny, he does the craziest shit with his eyebrows...cracked me up. Anyway, he was making fun of me because I was wearing a heavy winter coat and a scarf and boots and a thermal shirt and I wasn't the least bit motivated to shed any of my many layers because it is always freezing out here in my studio. And after awhile, he said that he'd be right back, and when he returned to his post in front of his computer he was wearing a snowboarding jacket and a scarf and a completely straight face, like it was nothing. I just rolled! See? That's the kind of stuff I love! I'll take goofy humor over mature, philosophical debates, any day. I have definite issues with maturity, which I fear, will do nothing to facilitate finding my perfect man.
By now it was getting REALLY late, like 3:30 or later in the morning, and out of the blue Juan asked me, "Don't you have a banana or something at your house?" I was like, "Yeeesss...Whatcha tryin' to say, there - Big Boy?" But instead of waiting around for him to explain, I raced over to the house, grabbed a banana, ran back to my studio, plunked myself back down in my desk chair, peeled that overripe banana and began to gingerly lick and suck just the very tip. As I slowly slid my tongue down the underside and then worked my way back up to wrap my mouth around the tip and then all the way down to the base and up and down, swallowing all of that yummy banana pulp, every so often - Juan chimed in that he was rawther enjoying my performance. His encouragement got me pretty excited and I honestly found myself lost in the little charade, I shit you not, I was seriously turned on from giving a banana a blow job. The only problem was that the derned banana was so ripe and soft, and I was now working on it pretty hard so it kept breaking in my hand. I was trying to keep the pieces together to effectively mimic the real deal, but the banana wound up mostly demolished and Juan and I laughed when I let all the pieces fall apart in my hands. I had a solution for this minor crack in the pavement though, there was still one more banana over at the house. I retrieved the prop and hurriedly scurried back to my computer, not wanting to interrupt Juan's state of excellence. This time though, I did not peel the banana and it was much more tolerant of my now aggressive oral and manual fondling. I was so lost in this mock sexual act that regrettably I completely missed when my outre antics successfully brought Juan to climax...I gotta tell ya', even though the whole thing was a bit bizarre, it was undeniably hot, I was in quite a state!
We chatted for a little while longer but at around 4:45 when his dad walked through the room behind Juan and messed his hair up a little (webcam, still on) I figured that it might be a good time to say, "Goodnight", and so we did.
The next morning, Juan sent me a text and I have no idea why, but I just really made me smile. Maybe because it showed that he is the kind of guy who doesn't take shit too seriously, which I like and also because I felt like he was letting me know that he didn't think I was a total freak for putting on such an unusual display the night before. Juan's text simply said, "Hi, banana!"
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
That's the (Mean) Spirit!
Ok, here's the deal, I just deleted like 400 words off of this page, for maybe the fifth time. The good news is, that I don't care, it was all crap before (very likely may still be), and - I am finally out of my yucky slump, thank goodness! I've actually kind of come full-ish circle to where I was when I first attempted this entry, like 6 days ago (more?) Back then I was happy, not because I'd unearthed some brand new gem in this dreary online dating landscape, but because I was enjoying well-established as well as burgeoning friendships. Things took a decided turn for the worse, when one particular asshole, acted a complete foo' and literally knocked the flippin' wind out of me by being nothing short of heartless and cruel, twice. But now, thanks to a couple of key friendships, I have snapped out of my days long depression (?) and am now forging ahead in a modified direction. But real quick, back to the asshole...sorry - I'm not going to dwell on this, I swear - I barely want to even quantify the reason behind my sudden shift from unabashed childlike joy to gut-wrenching angst, the culprit for my dismay doesn't deserve 5 more minutes of my time in any regard. Let me just say, that this person, someone who I have fooloshly believed could be the ultimate panacea to my online dating woes, wound up to be the person from whom I most wanted to be rescued, the fucker! There, that's all the energy that I'm going to devote to the prick, ever again, period, end of story.
During the weekend my malaise was palpable to everyone who talked to me, and a couple of really close friends, Frances included, suggested that I take a break from all of the swirling bullshit associated with online dating, and get the hell away from my trusty, ole Mac for awhile. "Just give it a rest, work on your art or start that children's book, you've been threatening to write" I realized that they were right, and I was this close to deleting all of my profiles on all of the sad dating sites where I post. I figured, most anyone to whom I still wanted to talk would be able to find me, either through regular e-mail or IM or the phone, and I could choose to answer or not, so fuck the meanies and the losers! I was just so frustrated with where I was after nine long months of trying desperately to find a man and in the process, shirking the rest of my interests/duties. Sadly, I haven't really learned anything, I am just as much a fool now, as I was when I was a virtual dating greenhorn. Not to mention, the time I spend on my computer eats up all of my creative time, I rarely paint or draw or sew, anymore. I mess around online and go on hopeless dates, fanatically and psychotically write about them, and for what? Nothing but a bunch of disappointment. My writing has even gotten kinda stale, and it's dramatically less fulfilling, for me. So, in my state of utter disgust with the whole fiasco, I decided to hide one profile and tried to hide another, but since I'm such a weenie, I only kept it that way for about 10 minutes, if that, and then my curiosity got the better of me, as usual. So, I unhid the one and within minutes, I had an e-mail from a guy to whom I had talked briefly, about 3 months ago. Ah ha! See? It was worth it to keep myself visible! (Am I really this retarded?) At the time, when Carl and I first noticed each other, I thought he was the cat's pajamas! He had the look that I like, rugged, nice build, shaved head, but you could tell that he still had a full head of dark hair, and he has a big Ford truck - but he wasn't just some nasty redneck, either. He had a great face and the "nose" and a most delightful smile which spurred a chain reaction of cheerful laugh lines which radiated from the outside corners of his eyes! He was good to talk to and I was never really sure why he disappeared, cuz he did...disappear, suddenly and completely. I didn't chase after him, I just figured it wasn't meant to be, and I would venture to say that there must have been plenty else going on at the time, which sufficiently entertained me out of desperately trying to regain his interest. I always thought that it could have had something to do with me forwarding the letter I got from the "Nice Tits" guy, maybe he just didn't see the humor, maybe I came across as too crass a woman, for him. Anyway, so there he was again, Sunday night...right in my extended moment of crisis. I was beside myself, I got all fluttery and weird. This time Carl seemed more eager to meet me. We've texted a bit and e-mailed a bunch and even went so far as to plan a date for this Saturday night, somewhere in between our towns. Oh yeah, that's the bummer...we live 3 hours apart, yipes! At one point after re-discovering each other, there was a slight lull (like 7 hours?) in the conversation, so I asked him if I'd scared him off, again. He said, "No way! I think you're a doll and I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better!" Dontcha just love that? He thinks I'm a doll!!! I was blushing, it was so sweet!
Regardless of this teeny ray of sunshine and my moderately uplifted spirits, I still didn't really know where I wanted to go with this blog entry. I seriously considered just bagging the blog entirely until I could get myself back together and actually had something substantial about which to blab. I was chattin' it up, a couple of nights ago, with my favorite young hottie, Juan, the 22 year old from Maryland. We have been e-mailing for forever it seems and recently we even upgraded our communication to IM-ing. I have held off on talking about him on here, because early on, when we first talked, I told him about the blog. I think I was semi-consciously attempting to keep him at a safe distance, certain that he would then have no desire to get involved with me and potentially risk being ripped to shreds in my typically scathing entries. But also, after I got to know him a little better, I liked him, especially since he did still talk to me despite knowing about the blog. I was compelled to protect him from being publicly discussed, unless he gave me the go-ahead, which he has actually done, now. But the real issue at hand was that it literally made no sense at all for me to even consider mixing it up with a 22 year old college student who lives a couple of hours away, at home with his parents, still. Frances shushes me whenever I mention anything about it, unless I go off on a more reasonable tangent about keeping him in the fold with the ultimate objective being to set him up with the gorgeous, young gym teacher at our children's school, she'll let me talk about him in that context only. She gets so frustrated when I moan and complain about being so cursed in relationships, and yet, in essence, I really do nothing to remedy my situation, because as she puts it, I am insistent upon "wasting my time" talking to guys who make absolutely no sense for me. I see her point, but Juan is fun to talk to, plain and simple. And seriously, I think we both know, deep down inside that the chances of anything with real staying power materializing between us is very unlikely. It just feels good to be able to talk openly with him about every single thing, teeny or huge, and I sincerely consider him one of the best friends I've made through all of this online dating garbage. Anyway, the other night I was talking to him and I was bitching about assholes (namely one!) and you know, it turns out that his experience hasn't been any better than mine, really. And before I knew it the little guy had written his very own blog entry about his own frustration with online dating! It was great, really funny and I loved that his perspective, one from a much younger, male vantage point, was so different from my own. I mean we essentially gripe about the same shit, but his voice is younger and, well...masculine. I was just so happy that he did it, and his enthusiasm about writing rubbed off on me and I realized that I needed to get my ass back into gear. I needed to stop sulking and do what I love to do and that's to write, but also to draw and paint and sew. So, gracias - to cute, little Juanny Baby for picking me up out of my funk and inspiring me to be creative and productive, once again! And for also reminding me that messing around online, (even if it is with guys who from the outside looking in appear to be malapropos pour moi) isn't entirely for naught...
The other little buddy of mine, who has consistently kept my spirits up, is Better Jimmy. We talk some nights for hours, other days we don't talk at all, but it doesn't matter, nobody gets miffed if there is a brief pause in our running dialog. We just pick right back up where we left off the last time and enjoy each others company from nearly 3 hours apart. He makes me laugh and he's open about his dating disasters. I really appreciate that he confides in me about his women worries. We will never be boyfriend and girlfriend, but like with Juan, I am happy and satisfied to be nurturing what I hope will be a lasting friendship.
Ok, so this entry is admittedly pretty weak, I know. I guess for the sake of entertainment purposes I'm gonna have to break my vow of silence and tell you the story about the bad, mean man and the sad, little girl...
By early last week, Mark and I were picking up steam. We were back into our old routine, excitedly sending seedy texts to each other with a sprinkling of graphic videos thrown in for good measure. I have been inescapably hypnotized by him for as long as I've known him, I honestly believe he could've talked me into robbing a bank for him and all that I would've expected in return would be a short clip of himself in his bathroom, tugging away at a raging hard-on, which I would naturally assume was the direct by-product of him thinking about...me...Even though he still lives with his woman, I don't think it's been my imagination that he has fostered the notion that we would someday meet and fuck and fall totally in love with each other. Why the hell else would we be messing with any of what we do together if that was never to be the end result? (I am such an idiot) Recently he's been particularly down in the mouth about his job and his boredom in his relationship and so, on Thursday morning, I asked him if he wanted to know what I thought. He said he did. I told him that I thought that he should get the hell outta the "Rust Belt" as he calls his general vicinity, move to D.C. - cuz I'm certain that he could find a good job there, and that way he would be living midway between where all of his family lives and his parents' place at the beach in NC, and best of all...only an hour and 30 away from me...the girl foolhardily vying to win his affection, forever. He poo pooed the notion, and torqued, I quipped back, "We're never gonna meet, are we?" He answered with a cold, "Nope" I literally fell to pieces, I was crying over a man who I have never touched, smelled, gazed upon. It just didn't make any sense. But he had destroyed me, yet again. And to make it worse, he laughed at me, made fun of me and punctuated his insensitivity with a cool, "dear lord"
I worked my way through this little hiccup and dusted myself off, once again determining to just enjoy it for what it is. Ok, I could do that right? I didn't want to let him go, I couldn't...I was falling for him, again...hard. We found each other on IM, later that afternoon and I was getting ready to flash him my tits, when the phone rang. It was Frances calling my studio from over at my house. I told him I had to go because my friend was there and he said I should ask her to come over to the studio so she and I could kiss for him on the webcam. I was like, "Uh, I don't think so, she would never go for that. But I do have a really cute, crazy girlfriend who I'll bet, would do it in a minute." Well, let me tell ya', he sunk his venomous fangs right into that shit and from that point on, he would not let it rest. He said he'd return the favor by letting us see him get himself off if we'd just kiss each other for him, there on my webcam. I have never kissed a woman, but this friend of mine is absolutely adorable, I mean if I had to kiss a girl, if my life or Mark's pleasure, depended on it, I could definitely kiss her. I told him I'd do my best to arrange for it. Under one condition, he could not fall for her. He promised that he wouldn't.
I asked my good buddy if she would have any interest in staging such a silly romp, and she was totally cool with it. Oh, well that was easy. Next we had to actually perform said act. I wondered if I would really be able to pull it off, I was nervous to kiss a good friend, it is kinda weird, but I kept telling myself that it was all for the sake of a good time, who knew? Maybe she and I would enjoy it...strange concept. I think it was Friday afternoon, and she and I were at my studio. We found Mark online, he was at work, obviously, but that didn't matter because he had video files to send to us, which he promptly did, of himself in crescendoing stages of arousal, as promised. My pixie-esque friend and I studied his vids. and turned the webcam on ourselves. Mostly we just acted like immature young girls, making faces at him while I IM-ed him. What he didn't realize was that she was ducking out of the picture to tell me that she thought Mark was kinda creepy, very narcissistic and she didn't like the way he talked to me (take that and shove it way up where the sun don't shine, asswipe!) and the next thing I knew, she was heading to the door, saying she had to leave and go pick her kids up from school, just like that, huh. I was fine with it. I was starting to have second thoughts about sucking face with a dear friend, even though Mark had lived up to his end of the bargain. Fortunately, he didn't seem too disappointed, I reckon he figured we'd do it for him at a later date, which I still believe we would've if he hadn't fucked everything up by being blatantly hateful.
Later that afternoon, I sent him a text to gush about how much I seriously liked him (still not sure why I put myself out there like I do) and do you know what the fuckhead had the nerve to fling at me? He said, and I quote, "U r not gonna b ok w me talkn to her ru?" BAM! There it was, and it was nothing short of a full-force punch in the stomach. My cheeks got all tingly, like I was gonna barf on the spot, and water formed a growing meniscus which quickly leaked from my lower eyelids. I could not believe that he would dare say something so callous, he really didn't give a shit about me! I was not only heartbroken by his lack of tact and insensitivity but I had to accept that he was a completely different person than what I had thought. This was someone - from whom I now knew - I needed to stay far, far away. The vomitous stomach ache I suffered was strikingly reminiscent to the 15 month-long one I had endured during Jimmy's and my stint with each other. Mark knew how paranoid I was that he was gonna choose her over me, and here he was basically rubbing my nose in the fact that...he had. I let him know I was upset and he comforted me by simply saying, "good god"
I was about to implode with crippling despair, seriously unsure of how I was gonna finish the rest of my day, when who should send me a well-timed, bright and shiny text-o-joy, but my sweet, little friend Juan. My age-inappropriate online pal had unintentionally temporarily rescued me from certain overwhelming gloom. Well, whaddya know? There are real gems to be found amongst the otherwise stinky pile of refuse, after all...
During the weekend my malaise was palpable to everyone who talked to me, and a couple of really close friends, Frances included, suggested that I take a break from all of the swirling bullshit associated with online dating, and get the hell away from my trusty, ole Mac for awhile. "Just give it a rest, work on your art or start that children's book, you've been threatening to write" I realized that they were right, and I was this close to deleting all of my profiles on all of the sad dating sites where I post. I figured, most anyone to whom I still wanted to talk would be able to find me, either through regular e-mail or IM or the phone, and I could choose to answer or not, so fuck the meanies and the losers! I was just so frustrated with where I was after nine long months of trying desperately to find a man and in the process, shirking the rest of my interests/duties. Sadly, I haven't really learned anything, I am just as much a fool now, as I was when I was a virtual dating greenhorn. Not to mention, the time I spend on my computer eats up all of my creative time, I rarely paint or draw or sew, anymore. I mess around online and go on hopeless dates, fanatically and psychotically write about them, and for what? Nothing but a bunch of disappointment. My writing has even gotten kinda stale, and it's dramatically less fulfilling, for me. So, in my state of utter disgust with the whole fiasco, I decided to hide one profile and tried to hide another, but since I'm such a weenie, I only kept it that way for about 10 minutes, if that, and then my curiosity got the better of me, as usual. So, I unhid the one and within minutes, I had an e-mail from a guy to whom I had talked briefly, about 3 months ago. Ah ha! See? It was worth it to keep myself visible! (Am I really this retarded?) At the time, when Carl and I first noticed each other, I thought he was the cat's pajamas! He had the look that I like, rugged, nice build, shaved head, but you could tell that he still had a full head of dark hair, and he has a big Ford truck - but he wasn't just some nasty redneck, either. He had a great face and the "nose" and a most delightful smile which spurred a chain reaction of cheerful laugh lines which radiated from the outside corners of his eyes! He was good to talk to and I was never really sure why he disappeared, cuz he did...disappear, suddenly and completely. I didn't chase after him, I just figured it wasn't meant to be, and I would venture to say that there must have been plenty else going on at the time, which sufficiently entertained me out of desperately trying to regain his interest. I always thought that it could have had something to do with me forwarding the letter I got from the "Nice Tits" guy, maybe he just didn't see the humor, maybe I came across as too crass a woman, for him. Anyway, so there he was again, Sunday night...right in my extended moment of crisis. I was beside myself, I got all fluttery and weird. This time Carl seemed more eager to meet me. We've texted a bit and e-mailed a bunch and even went so far as to plan a date for this Saturday night, somewhere in between our towns. Oh yeah, that's the bummer...we live 3 hours apart, yipes! At one point after re-discovering each other, there was a slight lull (like 7 hours?) in the conversation, so I asked him if I'd scared him off, again. He said, "No way! I think you're a doll and I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better!" Dontcha just love that? He thinks I'm a doll!!! I was blushing, it was so sweet!
Regardless of this teeny ray of sunshine and my moderately uplifted spirits, I still didn't really know where I wanted to go with this blog entry. I seriously considered just bagging the blog entirely until I could get myself back together and actually had something substantial about which to blab. I was chattin' it up, a couple of nights ago, with my favorite young hottie, Juan, the 22 year old from Maryland. We have been e-mailing for forever it seems and recently we even upgraded our communication to IM-ing. I have held off on talking about him on here, because early on, when we first talked, I told him about the blog. I think I was semi-consciously attempting to keep him at a safe distance, certain that he would then have no desire to get involved with me and potentially risk being ripped to shreds in my typically scathing entries. But also, after I got to know him a little better, I liked him, especially since he did still talk to me despite knowing about the blog. I was compelled to protect him from being publicly discussed, unless he gave me the go-ahead, which he has actually done, now. But the real issue at hand was that it literally made no sense at all for me to even consider mixing it up with a 22 year old college student who lives a couple of hours away, at home with his parents, still. Frances shushes me whenever I mention anything about it, unless I go off on a more reasonable tangent about keeping him in the fold with the ultimate objective being to set him up with the gorgeous, young gym teacher at our children's school, she'll let me talk about him in that context only. She gets so frustrated when I moan and complain about being so cursed in relationships, and yet, in essence, I really do nothing to remedy my situation, because as she puts it, I am insistent upon "wasting my time" talking to guys who make absolutely no sense for me. I see her point, but Juan is fun to talk to, plain and simple. And seriously, I think we both know, deep down inside that the chances of anything with real staying power materializing between us is very unlikely. It just feels good to be able to talk openly with him about every single thing, teeny or huge, and I sincerely consider him one of the best friends I've made through all of this online dating garbage. Anyway, the other night I was talking to him and I was bitching about assholes (namely one!) and you know, it turns out that his experience hasn't been any better than mine, really. And before I knew it the little guy had written his very own blog entry about his own frustration with online dating! It was great, really funny and I loved that his perspective, one from a much younger, male vantage point, was so different from my own. I mean we essentially gripe about the same shit, but his voice is younger and, well...masculine. I was just so happy that he did it, and his enthusiasm about writing rubbed off on me and I realized that I needed to get my ass back into gear. I needed to stop sulking and do what I love to do and that's to write, but also to draw and paint and sew. So, gracias - to cute, little Juanny Baby for picking me up out of my funk and inspiring me to be creative and productive, once again! And for also reminding me that messing around online, (even if it is with guys who from the outside looking in appear to be malapropos pour moi) isn't entirely for naught...
The other little buddy of mine, who has consistently kept my spirits up, is Better Jimmy. We talk some nights for hours, other days we don't talk at all, but it doesn't matter, nobody gets miffed if there is a brief pause in our running dialog. We just pick right back up where we left off the last time and enjoy each others company from nearly 3 hours apart. He makes me laugh and he's open about his dating disasters. I really appreciate that he confides in me about his women worries. We will never be boyfriend and girlfriend, but like with Juan, I am happy and satisfied to be nurturing what I hope will be a lasting friendship.
Ok, so this entry is admittedly pretty weak, I know. I guess for the sake of entertainment purposes I'm gonna have to break my vow of silence and tell you the story about the bad, mean man and the sad, little girl...
By early last week, Mark and I were picking up steam. We were back into our old routine, excitedly sending seedy texts to each other with a sprinkling of graphic videos thrown in for good measure. I have been inescapably hypnotized by him for as long as I've known him, I honestly believe he could've talked me into robbing a bank for him and all that I would've expected in return would be a short clip of himself in his bathroom, tugging away at a raging hard-on, which I would naturally assume was the direct by-product of him thinking about...me...Even though he still lives with his woman, I don't think it's been my imagination that he has fostered the notion that we would someday meet and fuck and fall totally in love with each other. Why the hell else would we be messing with any of what we do together if that was never to be the end result? (I am such an idiot) Recently he's been particularly down in the mouth about his job and his boredom in his relationship and so, on Thursday morning, I asked him if he wanted to know what I thought. He said he did. I told him that I thought that he should get the hell outta the "Rust Belt" as he calls his general vicinity, move to D.C. - cuz I'm certain that he could find a good job there, and that way he would be living midway between where all of his family lives and his parents' place at the beach in NC, and best of all...only an hour and 30 away from me...the girl foolhardily vying to win his affection, forever. He poo pooed the notion, and torqued, I quipped back, "We're never gonna meet, are we?" He answered with a cold, "Nope" I literally fell to pieces, I was crying over a man who I have never touched, smelled, gazed upon. It just didn't make any sense. But he had destroyed me, yet again. And to make it worse, he laughed at me, made fun of me and punctuated his insensitivity with a cool, "dear lord"
I worked my way through this little hiccup and dusted myself off, once again determining to just enjoy it for what it is. Ok, I could do that right? I didn't want to let him go, I couldn't...I was falling for him, again...hard. We found each other on IM, later that afternoon and I was getting ready to flash him my tits, when the phone rang. It was Frances calling my studio from over at my house. I told him I had to go because my friend was there and he said I should ask her to come over to the studio so she and I could kiss for him on the webcam. I was like, "Uh, I don't think so, she would never go for that. But I do have a really cute, crazy girlfriend who I'll bet, would do it in a minute." Well, let me tell ya', he sunk his venomous fangs right into that shit and from that point on, he would not let it rest. He said he'd return the favor by letting us see him get himself off if we'd just kiss each other for him, there on my webcam. I have never kissed a woman, but this friend of mine is absolutely adorable, I mean if I had to kiss a girl, if my life or Mark's pleasure, depended on it, I could definitely kiss her. I told him I'd do my best to arrange for it. Under one condition, he could not fall for her. He promised that he wouldn't.
I asked my good buddy if she would have any interest in staging such a silly romp, and she was totally cool with it. Oh, well that was easy. Next we had to actually perform said act. I wondered if I would really be able to pull it off, I was nervous to kiss a good friend, it is kinda weird, but I kept telling myself that it was all for the sake of a good time, who knew? Maybe she and I would enjoy it...strange concept. I think it was Friday afternoon, and she and I were at my studio. We found Mark online, he was at work, obviously, but that didn't matter because he had video files to send to us, which he promptly did, of himself in crescendoing stages of arousal, as promised. My pixie-esque friend and I studied his vids. and turned the webcam on ourselves. Mostly we just acted like immature young girls, making faces at him while I IM-ed him. What he didn't realize was that she was ducking out of the picture to tell me that she thought Mark was kinda creepy, very narcissistic and she didn't like the way he talked to me (take that and shove it way up where the sun don't shine, asswipe!) and the next thing I knew, she was heading to the door, saying she had to leave and go pick her kids up from school, just like that, huh. I was fine with it. I was starting to have second thoughts about sucking face with a dear friend, even though Mark had lived up to his end of the bargain. Fortunately, he didn't seem too disappointed, I reckon he figured we'd do it for him at a later date, which I still believe we would've if he hadn't fucked everything up by being blatantly hateful.
Later that afternoon, I sent him a text to gush about how much I seriously liked him (still not sure why I put myself out there like I do) and do you know what the fuckhead had the nerve to fling at me? He said, and I quote, "U r not gonna b ok w me talkn to her ru?" BAM! There it was, and it was nothing short of a full-force punch in the stomach. My cheeks got all tingly, like I was gonna barf on the spot, and water formed a growing meniscus which quickly leaked from my lower eyelids. I could not believe that he would dare say something so callous, he really didn't give a shit about me! I was not only heartbroken by his lack of tact and insensitivity but I had to accept that he was a completely different person than what I had thought. This was someone - from whom I now knew - I needed to stay far, far away. The vomitous stomach ache I suffered was strikingly reminiscent to the 15 month-long one I had endured during Jimmy's and my stint with each other. Mark knew how paranoid I was that he was gonna choose her over me, and here he was basically rubbing my nose in the fact that...he had. I let him know I was upset and he comforted me by simply saying, "good god"
I was about to implode with crippling despair, seriously unsure of how I was gonna finish the rest of my day, when who should send me a well-timed, bright and shiny text-o-joy, but my sweet, little friend Juan. My age-inappropriate online pal had unintentionally temporarily rescued me from certain overwhelming gloom. Well, whaddya know? There are real gems to be found amongst the otherwise stinky pile of refuse, after all...
Sunday, December 7, 2008
I'm Baaaack!
I am back from my mini-sabbatical and as of Sunday evening, there was really nothing exciting to report, since I had been mostly out of the online dating loop for like 7 or 8 days.
I had the good fortune of being a participant in the amazing Algonkian Writers Workshop, from Tues. night through Sun. afternoon! It was a priceless experience, not just because of all that I learned but also because I met some really fascinating folks, there! The small group of writers attending was diverse and I quickly grew to dig each and every one of them, as well as our animated instructor! It was such a fun group of peeps. Speaking of which..."Hey, Yo!" - Al, and Kelly and Tamara and Tom and John and Tanya and MICHAEL! You guys BETTER be reading this!!! Anyway, I explained to them all about The Big Ugly Blog, early into the workshop, so they had a pretty good idea of my exaggerated degree of boy craziness from the git-go. On Wed. morning, I left my cabin, hopped in my cute, little car (so I could go back home to check on me pups and be joyfully reunited with my trusty, ole Mac), and turned the key...and wouldn't you know - the blasted thing had the gall to refuse to behave. I did not happen to have a set of jumper cables on board, so I was forced to call over to the Park Ranger's office and beg for assistance in trying to resuscitate it. The guy who answered the phone, Roy, sounded pretty rugged and cute, and he was quite the flirt. I kept thinking how funny it would be if when he showed up to help me that he was a total babe and we wound up falling madly in love...*sigh* Most everyone else in our group was heading over to a nearby bookstore, to get started on the homework assignments, but before the carload of fellow writers left me - potentially stranded, they asked if I was gonna be ok. I told them that the ranger was coming to give me a jump and that (what luck!) - he sounded pretty hot! They asked if I had spoken to "Roy" and I said, "Yeppers!" and winked and they were all like, "Uh huh, ok honey... you go for that" and as they pulled out of the driveway, each one of them unconcerned with stifling their snickering. I shrugged off their pessimism and skipped back over to my temperamental, sweet baby car, tried to start her up again, and lo and behold, the engine turned over and caught! I hurriedly drove up the road to the Ranger's office, to try and catch Roy before he'd gotten too far down the road and to let him know that I now had everything under control, but more than anything, I wanted to catch a glimpse of the gorgeous, hunky specimen that I had vividly pictured, thanks entirely to my overactive imagination and my increasing appetite for male interaction due to my extended separation from all of my online cuties. I saw a car approaching and I was certain it must have been Roy since traffic was otherwise virtually nonexistent, in the park. I stopped my little car in the road, ran up to the driver's window and nearly crapped my pants! Roy was...how do I put it? Phenomenally...well...revolting?! He was a gargantuan man. I was convinced that prying him out of the front seat where he appeared to be uncomfortably wedged, could quite possibly require the jaws of life. His face was like three times the size of a normal human face, his big bearded jowl laying prone across his massive chest...fanfuckingtabulous! But the piece de la resistance of this unfortunate package was the abnormally large skin tag, dangling from his left eyelid. I'm not really sure how he was even legal to drive, considering such an impediment..need I say more? I was aggressively busting my own chops as I went back to my little car, quickly jumped in and left in a hurry. I knew I would never hear the end of it once I was reunited with my fellow writers...urgh!
I've been home now, for a few days and I've been working my ass off to make up for lost time, it's exhausting (hee hee) but as always my greed is the fire under my fanny. I've been tooling around on all of my favorite dating sites and catching up on mail and even went through the entire 1000-strong list of available men on one site, only to find a scant handful of any interest to me, poo! Mischievous and adorable Better Jimmy and I have been texting each other pretty solid which is always a guaranteed laugh fest. I am about this close to officially kicking frickin' Sam to the curb. He just keeps giving me the run-around, one minute acting like he's absolutely desperate to come see me (even offering to come stay with me at the workshop) but then totally blowing me off the next, via text, always limply relying on his patent excuse, "Hectic life"...awww...poor baby! I'm thinking that he may have used up all of his "Get Outta Jail Free" cards. But I'm not entirely sure, just yet. And - there is a new guy, 6' 6" (woah) really handsome, with a dent in his chiseled chin, and a great big, contagious smile which radiates not only from his mouth, but also from his cheerful eyes, as well. He seems good, and he emphatically asserts that he is very interested in me. Almost too interested. He's 37, retired (for real?)...and is raising his teenage daughter, on his own. The bummer is that he lives over 4 hours away in Ocean City, but he consistently tempers my pessimism about the distance between us, by remaining upbeat, sharing stories about friends and family members who carried on long-distance relationships which ultimately culminated in life-long wedded bliss. Strangely, "Ocean City" can come across sometimes, as insecure and pouty (totally contrary to the whole, "You gotta stay positive if you're gonna talk to me" business he forced upon me) The only other odd thing about him, is that he won't (can't?) talk to me on the phone. He offered up me some flimsy excuse, claiming that Verizon had deleted his number or something. Really? Somehow I doubt that. And even if they did....he should be pissed off enough to get it reactivated, you know? I simply cannot figure out how "Ocean City" can claim to be the primary care-giver of a 14 yr. old daughter and not have a functioning phone. Doesn't that seem awfully fishy?
This was kinda funny (kinda not) I was so desperate for any attention the other night, that I accepted this one guy's request to IM me. I checked out his profile and it seemed ok, 'cept there was no photo, uh oh. But I went ahead and talked to him a bit. I asked why he didn't post a pic. and he gave me some business about keeping his identity on that site on the down-low cuz of work, blah, blah, blah. Anyway he sent me a pic. and it was, you know...fine and all. He was a pretty big, burly guy, not really my type, but for some unknown reason, I let him call me, anyway. Holy Hell! Immediately into and for the endurance of our convo. he was practically robotic in his repeated droning about having an "ornery side" but being "very professional at work". I swear, he must've said it like 15 times and each time it was as if he thought he was bringing it up for the first time, like he was shedding new light on a fascinating facet of his personality. I finally wound up laughing out loud,the whole thing was so absurd. And I felt so bad because we weren't talking about anything that shoulda made me laugh that hard. But he just kept interrupting my hysteria with, "Well, I do have an ornery side, I'm VERY playful, but I am also very professional at work" And then something like, "I really like to snuggle and cuddle" I simply could not get myself back together. It's like when you're at church and something tickles your funny bone and the place is totally silent, save the preacher's moronic rambling, and the harder you try NOT to laugh the harder you actually DO LAUGH! I was in tears, shaking and my stomach was killing me, it was a riot! After I finally collected myself, I told him that I needed to hit the hay but assured him that we'd talk again, soon - NOT! He sent me a couple of e-mails which I never bothered to open and just today, I saw that he had deleted his profile. Now see...I HATE THAT! And it happens to me a bunch; a guy will e-mail me, and if I don't respond, even after just a day or two, suddenly his profile disappears. It's not that I'm bummed that I didn't get to know him, or anything like that, it's more that the teeny little bit of conscience that I still possess, tells me that it was MY cold cruelty that turned the guy off completely, from the whole online dating thing, altogether. I always feel SOOOOO guilty! Hate that!
Well, folks...that is all that I have to report, at the moment. I know, the pickin's are a bit slim. It feels like I'm in a torturous "One step forward, two steps back" phase. Putting forth a ton of effort but getting no real returns. Oh well, I reckon I'll just keep plodding along like a good little slave to my addiction...
I had the good fortune of being a participant in the amazing Algonkian Writers Workshop, from Tues. night through Sun. afternoon! It was a priceless experience, not just because of all that I learned but also because I met some really fascinating folks, there! The small group of writers attending was diverse and I quickly grew to dig each and every one of them, as well as our animated instructor! It was such a fun group of peeps. Speaking of which..."Hey, Yo!" - Al, and Kelly and Tamara and Tom and John and Tanya and MICHAEL! You guys BETTER be reading this!!! Anyway, I explained to them all about The Big Ugly Blog, early into the workshop, so they had a pretty good idea of my exaggerated degree of boy craziness from the git-go. On Wed. morning, I left my cabin, hopped in my cute, little car (so I could go back home to check on me pups and be joyfully reunited with my trusty, ole Mac), and turned the key...and wouldn't you know - the blasted thing had the gall to refuse to behave. I did not happen to have a set of jumper cables on board, so I was forced to call over to the Park Ranger's office and beg for assistance in trying to resuscitate it. The guy who answered the phone, Roy, sounded pretty rugged and cute, and he was quite the flirt. I kept thinking how funny it would be if when he showed up to help me that he was a total babe and we wound up falling madly in love...*sigh* Most everyone else in our group was heading over to a nearby bookstore, to get started on the homework assignments, but before the carload of fellow writers left me - potentially stranded, they asked if I was gonna be ok. I told them that the ranger was coming to give me a jump and that (what luck!) - he sounded pretty hot! They asked if I had spoken to "Roy" and I said, "Yeppers!" and winked and they were all like, "Uh huh, ok honey... you go for that" and as they pulled out of the driveway, each one of them unconcerned with stifling their snickering. I shrugged off their pessimism and skipped back over to my temperamental, sweet baby car, tried to start her up again, and lo and behold, the engine turned over and caught! I hurriedly drove up the road to the Ranger's office, to try and catch Roy before he'd gotten too far down the road and to let him know that I now had everything under control, but more than anything, I wanted to catch a glimpse of the gorgeous, hunky specimen that I had vividly pictured, thanks entirely to my overactive imagination and my increasing appetite for male interaction due to my extended separation from all of my online cuties. I saw a car approaching and I was certain it must have been Roy since traffic was otherwise virtually nonexistent, in the park. I stopped my little car in the road, ran up to the driver's window and nearly crapped my pants! Roy was...how do I put it? Phenomenally...well...revolting?! He was a gargantuan man. I was convinced that prying him out of the front seat where he appeared to be uncomfortably wedged, could quite possibly require the jaws of life. His face was like three times the size of a normal human face, his big bearded jowl laying prone across his massive chest...fanfuckingtabulous! But the piece de la resistance of this unfortunate package was the abnormally large skin tag, dangling from his left eyelid. I'm not really sure how he was even legal to drive, considering such an impediment..need I say more? I was aggressively busting my own chops as I went back to my little car, quickly jumped in and left in a hurry. I knew I would never hear the end of it once I was reunited with my fellow writers...urgh!
I've been home now, for a few days and I've been working my ass off to make up for lost time, it's exhausting (hee hee) but as always my greed is the fire under my fanny. I've been tooling around on all of my favorite dating sites and catching up on mail and even went through the entire 1000-strong list of available men on one site, only to find a scant handful of any interest to me, poo! Mischievous and adorable Better Jimmy and I have been texting each other pretty solid which is always a guaranteed laugh fest. I am about this close to officially kicking frickin' Sam to the curb. He just keeps giving me the run-around, one minute acting like he's absolutely desperate to come see me (even offering to come stay with me at the workshop) but then totally blowing me off the next, via text, always limply relying on his patent excuse, "Hectic life"...awww...poor baby! I'm thinking that he may have used up all of his "Get Outta Jail Free" cards. But I'm not entirely sure, just yet. And - there is a new guy, 6' 6" (woah) really handsome, with a dent in his chiseled chin, and a great big, contagious smile which radiates not only from his mouth, but also from his cheerful eyes, as well. He seems good, and he emphatically asserts that he is very interested in me. Almost too interested. He's 37, retired (for real?)...and is raising his teenage daughter, on his own. The bummer is that he lives over 4 hours away in Ocean City, but he consistently tempers my pessimism about the distance between us, by remaining upbeat, sharing stories about friends and family members who carried on long-distance relationships which ultimately culminated in life-long wedded bliss. Strangely, "Ocean City" can come across sometimes, as insecure and pouty (totally contrary to the whole, "You gotta stay positive if you're gonna talk to me" business he forced upon me) The only other odd thing about him, is that he won't (can't?) talk to me on the phone. He offered up me some flimsy excuse, claiming that Verizon had deleted his number or something. Really? Somehow I doubt that. And even if they did....he should be pissed off enough to get it reactivated, you know? I simply cannot figure out how "Ocean City" can claim to be the primary care-giver of a 14 yr. old daughter and not have a functioning phone. Doesn't that seem awfully fishy?
This was kinda funny (kinda not) I was so desperate for any attention the other night, that I accepted this one guy's request to IM me. I checked out his profile and it seemed ok, 'cept there was no photo, uh oh. But I went ahead and talked to him a bit. I asked why he didn't post a pic. and he gave me some business about keeping his identity on that site on the down-low cuz of work, blah, blah, blah. Anyway he sent me a pic. and it was, you know...fine and all. He was a pretty big, burly guy, not really my type, but for some unknown reason, I let him call me, anyway. Holy Hell! Immediately into and for the endurance of our convo. he was practically robotic in his repeated droning about having an "ornery side" but being "very professional at work". I swear, he must've said it like 15 times and each time it was as if he thought he was bringing it up for the first time, like he was shedding new light on a fascinating facet of his personality. I finally wound up laughing out loud,the whole thing was so absurd. And I felt so bad because we weren't talking about anything that shoulda made me laugh that hard. But he just kept interrupting my hysteria with, "Well, I do have an ornery side, I'm VERY playful, but I am also very professional at work" And then something like, "I really like to snuggle and cuddle" I simply could not get myself back together. It's like when you're at church and something tickles your funny bone and the place is totally silent, save the preacher's moronic rambling, and the harder you try NOT to laugh the harder you actually DO LAUGH! I was in tears, shaking and my stomach was killing me, it was a riot! After I finally collected myself, I told him that I needed to hit the hay but assured him that we'd talk again, soon - NOT! He sent me a couple of e-mails which I never bothered to open and just today, I saw that he had deleted his profile. Now see...I HATE THAT! And it happens to me a bunch; a guy will e-mail me, and if I don't respond, even after just a day or two, suddenly his profile disappears. It's not that I'm bummed that I didn't get to know him, or anything like that, it's more that the teeny little bit of conscience that I still possess, tells me that it was MY cold cruelty that turned the guy off completely, from the whole online dating thing, altogether. I always feel SOOOOO guilty! Hate that!
Well, folks...that is all that I have to report, at the moment. I know, the pickin's are a bit slim. It feels like I'm in a torturous "One step forward, two steps back" phase. Putting forth a ton of effort but getting no real returns. Oh well, I reckon I'll just keep plodding along like a good little slave to my addiction...
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