Roller Coaster of Love, er...Lust?

I'm sorry, I just don't even know how to start this thing. I've tried writing this entry like four times already and I'm still struggling to organize all of the thoughts jumbled up in my contorted, little brain. The added bummer is that I wish I would've just gone ahead and written the goddamned entry when I started it, like 5 days ago, cuz now I can barely type since six of my fingers are completely raw on the tips from soaking in some caustic shit at work. A few of my poor little digits are even bleeding on the keyboard...neato! I am trying to type with my ring fingers...this could take a little while. The good news is that I am back at work for the time being, the bad news is that I barely have time to write anymore, much less online date full-tilt. So there is the added trauma of this being a Monday night and I have no date. Monday night is Date Night, for goodness sakes! My kids are always with their dad on Monday nights. But this windy, rainy, dreary night, mama has no plans, what a friggin' waste. I know! I know...I'm stalling, jeez...I'm just trying to put off the inevitable as long as I possibly can. Ugh...

So the last time we talked I closed out the entry with a pasted-on smile across my face, still basking in the pseudo-afterglow of what I deluded myself into thinking was genuine love-making. Ha! You guys weren't fooled, I'd bet a million. Not sure why I thought I could fool myself. Anyway, I can now accept that the fornication which Sam and I enjoyed, was just that. We did not make love and saying that it was, was unintentional bullshit. I suspect that I was trying to validate having sex with a second guy in a three day period by labeling it as something meaningful, when in reality it was, it seems, just another hook-up. Yeah ok, so Sam and I texted and blubbered on for a few days about how great everything was...and would continue to be...(riiiiight) and then like textbook online dating behavior (and falling within the parameters that he and I have established with one another) our excitement wafted into thin air. You wanna know what I think? I think that Sam and I actually do like each other, we each think the other is cool and attractive, as a matter of fact, he told me that he likes that I am strong. He says that most of the women with whom he gets naked are weak and kind of wimpy, they just lay there and let stuff happen to them, there's very little pull to his push. He felt that I was more physically engaged, subsequently...the sex was definitely gooood, it all looked promising on paper until we started to grasp the sizable discrepancy in age and stations of life. And with Sam I cannot blame my waning interest in him, on geography because the last time that we talked we were both delighted that he would most likely be accepting a job and moving to a town which would put him only 30 minutes away from where I live. I believe that we were being sincere about wanting to hang out again, often - but once a little time had passed and that initial honeymoon period faded away, we both realized that we were perfectly fine without each other - same as we'd done for the endurance of the five months in between our two visits. And you know what else? I think that even though I try to avoid admitting it, I may secretly really want to find a boyfriend, and Sam would be a great catch, if he could even be caught. (My fingers really hurt, btw...) Bearing the whole boyfriend concept in mind - perhaps I convinced myself that finally spending a romantic afternoon and evening with an above-average romeo and saying sayonara without worrying one bit about whether we would see each other again, must surely have meant that cupid's arrow had finally hit its mark. Looking back on it, my date with Sam was basically the same as my date with Jack. The difference being that Jack and I had no preconceived notions about getting together again. Our deal was to satisfy a curiosity about each other after months of sexual tension finally reached a fevered pitch. The sex was satisfying but not earthshaking like we'd assumed it would be. None of what transpired between Jack and me was so incredible that either one of us felt the overwhelming urge to plan a second date. Neither of us breathed smoke up the other's ass about wanting to spend more time together, and no one was hurt, and no one felt slighted. We were cool with admitting that it just didn't really leave a mark. And we both knew that our date was more about the literal sex than kicking off a relationship. I think I was especially fine with accepting that we deteriorated the way we did, once I knew that I would be seeing Sam before the weekend was through. Sam and I had never talked in vivid detail about kinky sex and crazy fetishes to the point that we had to mutually pleasure ourselves over the phone, a la Jack and me. So, I mistook Sam's and my foray for something more virtuous. When in reality, the end result was the same, we had just been more polite and reserved in getting to that point. For a split second with Sam I felt hopeful that I might be able to don blinders and pour my energy into making him my next big project. I am just so pooped from searching for a man and finding absolutely nothing worth writing home about that I was nearly willing to settle on Sam...with bells on. But even during those first few days of optimistic bliss, I still continued to bop around online, keeping up with existing beaus and even discovering a few new gems.

Moving on...

I haven't played around with Mark in ages. The only messages I get from him he leaves on my IM screen when I'm not online and all he ever sends is one of those goofy emoticons, either the Chesire Cat grinning one or the one leaking drool out of his mouth. I mean, how do I even respond to that? Why can't he say something to me, using real words? I guess that whole thing is going nowhere...wonder where I expected it to go...

I've had a couple more webcam sessions with gorgeous Brennan from Indiana, he is undeniably hot, but more often than him getting all nakey and me talking him to orgasm we just chat, for hours at a time, we even talked on the phone for the first time on Saturday, ranting about the losers who hit on us on our mutual dating website and forwarding profile names of real humdingers to each other so we can marvel over their pics. and then rip the losers to shreds. It makes for a guaranteed laugh-fest. He really is a sweety and he acts like he will come out to see me at Christmas, when my kids are away. I dunno, as much fun as it is to tell ourselves we're perfect for each other, the reality is that we're just filling time til we each find someone suitable...close by.

Propel bottle IM'd me the other weekend (let us not forget that he is a 22 year old college student) and he invited me to escort him to a college basketball game. I was like, "Are you flippin' kidding me?" It would've looked like he was being chaperoned by his mom, which would been beyond weird, right?! But I was flattered that he asked and if I hadn't already told Frances that I would come over and watch a movie at her house, there is this sick part of me that thinks I might actually have made the trek out to see him, just for shits and giggles.

There are two new guys who have hopped onto the bandwagon...New Jack and Chris-to-pher (3 syllables, love it!) They could not be more dissimilar. Christopher is a political consultant, 31 and oozing confidence and bravado. He is 6'2" and true to his astrological sign, has a leonine mane of wavy golden locks, he's gorgeous. He doesn't need to subject himself to online dating to meet women (so he says...) he assures me that he has a gaggle of girls pecking at him, scrambling to be his next lay...but they all fit the mold of a certain stereotype with which he is terribly bored, anymore. He claims that he signed up on the dating site where he found me, a couple of weeks ago, to just poke around and see if anything out of the ordinary might strike his fancy...and apparently...that would be me. The first night we IM'd for awhile and then he taught me something new. I had no idea that it was possible to carry on a phone conversation over my computer, but we did just that, it was really cool. It was more three-dimensional than a regular phone call, I guess cuz it was a full-bodied sound which came through better speakers and his voice was in the room, not just in my ear. So, I liked that. He spoke quietly and deliberately, taking his time to deliver comments and questions, he was a shameless flirt and very curious about my sexual leanings. By the end of our 3 1/2 hour conversation (at 3:45 a.m.) he seemed eager to meet me despite my disgruntled attitude about online dating and my skepticism over ever finding "the right guy". His untainted enthusiasm towards internet dating was the perfect foil for my unbridled ennui with the whole farce. We kept a safe distance over the weekend, touching base briefly only a few times but when we IM'd on Monday he surprised me by saying that he had "missed" me over the weekend. I wasn't sure how to take that...It was sort of an odd thing to say to someone with whom you've never even hung out. It was a nice thing to say, but was it just a little creepy? Anyway, I kind of pinned him down about hot prospects that he had met so far, cuz I have ways of knowing what these guys are doing when they're online, and he said that I was by far, the most intriguing. Well, la-tee-da!

Christopher and I have talked loosely about meeting this weekend, the Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving, but I just have this feeling that it's gonna sink in with him how old I am and how far away I live and before we follow through with an actual plan, some young hottie will dethrone me from my current post as his reigning queen of intrigue...

And finally, let me tell you about New Jack, he's almost more of a Better Jimmy, in fact - that's what I'm gonna call him, yih...This guy is something else! He's little-ish, only 5'8" (but at least he's a few inches taller than I am) He raced motorcross for 17 years and was #6 in the world in jet ski racing, a few years ago. He's badass! He's got a tight, tiny body and a grrreat face! Messy blondy/browny hair on top, close cut everywhere else, oh and sideburns! His eyes are dark, velvety brown and he has such a fetching smile, it screams mischief! We IM'd throughout the weekend and sent some "check this out!" texts and then last night we talked on the phone for like 2 1/2 hours, he's awesome! He's gruff and loud and brash and frank and anything but shy. He runs his own successful business and does his own laundry and owns his own house. He's stable but not boring. And he's a terrific audience. He listened attentively to my stories and made parallels between my tales and his own life and he was completely honest about wanting to fuck me like every two weeks (since that's the best we could do with my custody schedule and living 2 hours apart) He shrewdly shrugged off ruminating over real relationship stuff, for at the moment- he was all about the sex. If after getting it on - something blossomed between us, well then - we would address it at that time. I liked his veracity. He was just all around good. It's funny cuz we'll be traveling down the same highway the Friday after Thanksgiving, going in the opposite direction, and we joked about meeting at a truck stop and having a quickie in the bathroom. That's the new visual that I use when I'm making myself happy, so hot and slutty, I love it!

Update! Mark and I have been IM-ing, on and off all afternoon, today. Nothing too dirty, surprisingly. In fact, I ended up telling him some crazy shit about my family that he had never known before. Makes me realize how little we really do know about each other. It's been nice, I've liked it especially since he used actual words and not just smileys! (I really wish that I didn't like him quite so much...)