I spent the better part of the sunny drive home from Mystery Man's house - on my cell, blithely boasting to my closest friends about my spur o' the moment date with M.M....and how delighted I was after finally making his acquaintance, to have been so taken with him (*swoon*) Naturally, my caring friends offered cordial congrats but then one by one, they hesitantly asked if I'd hooked up with him...I squirmed a little, but answered truthfully - and each time that I squeaked out another, "Uh huh?" there was an awkward, pregnated pause...(ugh)..."But it's ok!" I assured them all, "it was different with him...I think we really clicked!" (I'd be lying if I told you that it didn't feel a wee bit like I was trying to sway the jury...myself included in that lot)
When I got home, the first thing I did was send an email to M.M....I take that back...the VERY first thing I did, was pee like a moose, but after THAT I emailed M.M. to gush about how nice it had been to FINALLY meet him, to thank him for dinner and the drinks and I then proceeded to invite him to come stay out here...in the country...with me the next time...(I threw in some stupid comment about not yet settling my nerves since meeting him, which was true...but it was probably a silly thing to say)...and the last thing that I did before hopping aboard my lawn tractor to mow for the next several hours, was to answer a v.m. from Bluto (the overgrown fraternity boy) which he'd sent to me while I was on my date with M.M.. He wondered if I might be free to grab a bite Sunday night, since our Saturday plans had been nixed at the last minute. My instinct was to completely ignore his message. Why the hell should I be looking to meet somebody new, you know? Wasn't it gonna be all about me and my Mystery Man from now on? Plus, I was supposed to be going to a party, later in the evening...so logistically, mighta been kinda hard to swing it. But you and I know - that declining (even mediocre) invitations is not necessarily my strong suit and...after a year and a half of this online dating nonsense, I have learned at least one thing, and that is to always keep my options open...So, I agreed to meet Bluto for an early dinner, in a charming town, close by (I'm sure you can feel my excitement)
Btw, I should tell you that while I was mowing, whenever I made a pass by the front door of my studio, I jumped off the lawnmower and eagerly ran inside to check my trusty ole Mac - hoping to find an email from M.M....As I'd understood it when he booted me, he was to spend the entire afternoon plugging away on his computer, trying to meet deadlines...so I was pretty sure that he had to have gotten my message, already....Meanwhile, I was enduring 2 1/2 hours of hopping on and off of the flipping mower and worrying and wondering about why he didn't seem in nearly as much of a hurry as I had been - to bask in our afterglow...Didn't he have any idea how stressful that was for me?...the morning after?...to be left dangling?...like that? I was like, "Tha fuck is your problem, man? I had meaningful sex with you, last night and you're gonna do me like THIS?" When he did eventually send me a note it was about as enthusiastic as, "Yep...that was fun...".......wow......n e a t - o...
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah...Ok, so after weeks of casually emailing each other since meeting online even longer ago - Bluto had begun to put on the hard sell, recently. We had made plans, they'd fallen through, I'd filled the gap with the Mystery Man, and we were now on our second attempt at trying to line something up. When I had read over his profile (ages ago) and looked at his photos, I learned that he was my age and seemed to be an attractive, preppyish party boy - so it wasn't like I was opposed to meeting him or anything, it was more that I just wasn't particularly inspired to do so. But I figured, if nothing else, our date this night should prove to be an entertaining way to kill time 'til the soiree, later in the evening.
Bluto and I cordially introduced ourselves out in the parking lot, and as we ambled up to the restaurant, I immediately got a taste of his mildly contrived wit and of how self-impressed he was. I made a quick assessment of his face (which looked better in his pics.) and his body (which looked better in his pics.) It wasn't that he was ugly or fat exactly, but he definitely paled in comparison to M.M...on every level. It did cross my mind, that if I'd met Bluto before having met M.M., I might've given him more of a chance...but that was neither here nor there.
Most of my date with Bluto, was spent chowing down on our incomparable meals...I was presented with an enormous helping of the most delicious liver and onions - EVAH - and it took me forever to finish it all (but I DID!) so my mouth was full a lot of the time, which hampered my participation in the convo..I mean we definitely talked and stuff...I found out that he's taking a break from sex for awhile, he had his reasons and they were legit...(his stories kicked my stories' ASS!)...and it turns out that he is in the entertainment biz...Now normally, hearing such a thing trips my self-promotion alarm, after which I begin to relentlessly plug the blog... but there was something shifty about Bluto, and I resisted giving him the skinny on The Big Ugly. I told him that I DO blog, but I wouldn't tell him about the premise...I was wary that he might take the whole idea and run with it...and get to the finish line, before I could. I dunno...I just didn't fully trust the guy. The rest of my time with Bluto was spent feeling guilty-ish about being on a date with an online guy, less than 24 hours after my big night with M.M., along with staving off complete boredom by doing my usual...scoping out every other male diner who was arriving or leaving or eating...until the date with Bluto was through...at which time - I left, never expecting to see or even talk to him again...except perhaps to send a polite "thank you for the delicious dinner and a swell time" email...
I made it to the partay on time and it was there, amongst my excruciatingly young but extremely wise friends, that I could finally effectively bleed the valves of my elation over having mixed it up with the Mystery Man, over the weekend! Pierre (the first person to hear the big news) retorted sarcastically, "One-night-stand, eh? Sounds blog-worthy to me" (*wink*)......"No, it's not like that...This was with the Mystery Man...I've told you about him...the Mystery Man, remember?" I stammered, "No, this one is for REAL...seriously...we WILL go out, again...swear" Pierre apologized, halfheartedly, but not really...rolled his eyes and predicted that my future with M.M. would be lived out exclusively on the pages of my Big Ugly Blog...end of story...
Well, as they say, "Outta the mouths of babes..."
My 21 year old friend was evidently a quick study, cuz over the short period of time that we had known each other - he had evidently acquired a much better understanding of ME than even I had...not to mention that he'd displayed such remarkable perspicacity (per so few years under his dating belt) in regards to relationships...amazing...And Pierre has a boyfriend of his own, so it wasn't as if he was trying to derail my thing with the Mystery Man for his own benefit. Nope, his was a completely unbiased observation. Here I'd burst into the party, all bubbly and shit about this promising, new love interest - and Pierre had met me at the door with a slice of humble pie...and then proceeded to ram it right down my fool throat (intentionally, or not)...It was beginning to register (thank you, Pierre) that what had happened the night before with M.M., wasn't a budding romance at all...it was just a typical load of dating horse shit, and all that I could think was, "Oh my god...Pierre's exactly right..."
Being at that party was kind of a blessing and a curse. Pierre's cut and dry assessment of my fling with the Mystery Man, left me reeling...How could I still be so absurdly naive after all this time aggressively dating? Christ! I felt like such a dolt...but on the bright side, I was there with me peeps, playing stupid drinking games and goofing off on the trampoline, all of which helped to keep that inevitable sinking feeling at bay...for a little while at least...
Curlymoe (never a big fan of the Mystery Man and his trademark "I'm too busy" excuses) IM'd me, a night or two after my thing with M.M.. He glibly asked if the Mystery Man and I had been talking (obviously pretty confident that he already knew the answer)...I told him that I had gotten that email from him the day after, and a brief text which said basically the same thing as the email...but nothing since...I admitted to my sweet, young friend that I was sorta bummed, but I defended M.M., alleging that he was prolly incommunicado cuz he was so slammed with work, or whatever...Curleymoe was like, "That's bullshit, and you know what? You need to wait until he contacts you, ok? Do not say one more word to that fuck until he gets in touch with you, ya' got it? Nobody is so busy with work or anything else, that they can't text or email or CALL YOU more than just once, this early in the game...unless of course...they're not all that interested in you..." My heart took a nosedive into my stomach...I knew he was right, but I hated to agree with him...I was still clinging to that thin thread of hope, that the Mystery Man really did like me...and that he DID want to see me again, as soon as his chaotic schedule allowed. And then Curlymoe typed, "You gave it up too soon"....................You know? I love Curlymoe dearly, I really do...but this comment was more than I could take at that moment. I ended our conversation and basically ignored him for the next few days. I was incensed that my good friend, could be that insensitive. I mean really...didn't he know that I was well aware of the fact that fucking the guy on the first date was kind of a no-no?
I tolerated a couple of days of silence from M.M, and that's when I went against Curlymoe's astute advice and sent that goading email that I'd hoped would garner a comforting response. I'm sorry, I'm a girl...and there's something about girls that makes us buckle under the pressure of not knowing whether a guy is into us or not. So, I told M.M. that I couldn't help saying,"Hi" (hope he didn't mind the intrusion) and wondered if he would be interested in spending one of the last days of summer out on the Shenandoah River with me and a few close friends - Saturday, next. Before I'd heard back from M.M., I saw a status update on Facebook - posted by Slim - M.M's and my mutual friend.. Slim had stated that he would be visiting his family farm (a mere 20 mins. from my house) that very same weekend...so I extended the invite to him, as well (via his "wall")...thinking what fun it would be for the 3 of us to get together, out there on the water...and stuff...
The Mystery Man wrote back, a day later or so, saying basically, "Nope...No can do...way too swamped here...won't get out to do much this weekend, but maybe ride my bike...hit me back in a couple of weeks...and have a beer for me on the river, cheers"...and I was............c r u s h e d...........Everything that Curlymoe had instinctually ascertained about M.M. seemed decidedly so.
I cried...I cried hard...and yes, I had been drinking but even still - it was different than the time that I cried after that last, unmentionable fuck-up...that time I cried out of frustration...cuz I was powerless to get my way, sorta like a tantrum...This time I cried because I was sad...and hurt...sorta like - destroyed...I am - after all - no matter how horrific and idiotic my general behavior, still a living, breathing, thinking, FEELING human...and the Mystery Man's excruciating rejection of me was the bitterest of pills.
Amazingly though, even as I trudged through all of this misery, I continued to give M.M. the benefit of a doubt...to a degree. He had come to me so highly lauded by friends. He's got us all snowed into thinking that he's "saving the world" and shit, and that's why he's always so BUSSSYYY!!! And I have to admit, upon meeting him myself, I totally concurred - he comes across as the picture of a quality guy. He certainly couldn't be as maliciously deceitful as he appeared, right? I kept wistfully recounting our tale...here on the pages of my beloved blog, but I was prepared to bury all of the time and angst that I had poured into this piece, if he would just give me some indication that he really was sincerely bogged down with work over the weekend, and that he genuinely DID want to see me again...when things calmed down a bit...I clung to that ridiculous notion until he revealed (either inadvertently or intentionally, hard to say which) the full extent of his duplicitousness...
This is the point at which I rose from the ashes of my emotional implosion and the fucking gloves came of...
Ya' gotta love Facebook, you know? Ok, so the first clue that something was seriously amiss between me and my Mystery Man, was when I tried to go to M.M.'s profile (to check for new pics., and whatnot, as I am wont to do...) and I got this pop-up thingy which stated that his profile was unavailable at the moment, and that I should try again another time...and I was like, "Wha?" At first I chalked it up to being some annoying FB glitch, later though - after checking back again and again - still being shut out - it finally clicked, "Holy Shit! M.M has unfriended me!" So, I raced over to my friends list and miraculously, he was still on it. So now I was wondering if maybe he'd "blocked" me from viewing his profile, or something...which of course made me instantly feel like I might projectile vomit...I just couldn't figure out what I could've possibly done to him to warrant such a snub. Naturally, I continued to attempt to view his profile (to no avail) and almost immediately after this uncomfortable sitch prompted me to post a status update on my own page (which went something like, "looks like I've cornered the market on fucking shit up") M.M.'s profile was suddenly viewable...well howdya like that? But the real bitch of it was...once I was finally able to peek at his updates, I made the distressing discovery that...mere hours after sending me the brush off email about being too busy to float down the river with me, he had messaged back and forth with Slim. Apparently M.M. had seen on Slim's wall, that he was going to be in Virginia, for the next few days, and after Slim offered to have M.M. as his guest at his mom's, M.M. said that he could be there on Friday, but probably not 'til 8 p.m. He then proceeded to brag about how stoked he was to be going to some punk rock show in D.C. on Sat. night and yucked it up about the probability of winding up all beer-soaked and stuff...HAHAHAHA! Mystery Man made a FUNNY!!!...
I wondered why he couldn't have done the respectable thing and told me that he really just wasn't feelin' it for me, and sorry but it ain't gonna happen? I'm a big girl...I can actually handle rejection. Sure, it stings for a minute, but then you move on and you retain a little respect for the person doing the dumping, because they were honest and upfront. But this motherfucker had to be cruelly underhanded. Did he think that I wouldn't see his posts to our mutual friend with whom I was also currently actively corresponding on Facebook? M.M. is way too intelligent to be that fucking stupid, right? So maybe he wanted me to see his posts, maybe he was rubbing my nose in the fact that he WASN'T and would NEVER choose me, "So THERE, you dumb cunt!" Did it not occur to him how hurtful that would be, even if I am just a fucking one night stand...And on top of all of that, the fact that he reads my blog makes him so much more despicable than all of the other guys that I shouldn't have fucked. At least those slobs were clueless about my history...But M.M. disregarded all of my ranting and sniveling and insecurities and still fucked me...and ran...
Just goes to show ya', that no amount of intellect or education or privilege can negate an inherent mean-spiritedness...Best I could figure, after the things that he told me about his childhood and the way that he so callously misleads and strings me and god knows how many other adoring women along, Mystery Man is a textbook example of the classic misogynist. I would venture to say that he's probably not even really cognisant of it, but fuck if he doesn't reek of it.
You know what the real bitch of it is? After all of this spewing and fuming...I go back and look at his pictures and I still like him. I should hate him but I can't seem to do it. I look at his photos the very same way that I looked at him when I first approached him on the sidewalk in Georgetown and I literally liked everything about him...I liked his hands and the hair on his arms and his cute cotton slippers. I tried to find something not to like and I couldn't and I'm crying while I'm writing this...I've been drinking again, sorry...I don't usually write when I'm drinking...I just feel cursed, I swear to god, like every guy who's ever into me, is so wrong for me and the scant few who I wind up liking want nothing to do with me...I must've been a real mother fucker in my last life to deserve this shit...or I guess it could totally be because of how I've lived THIS life...maybe this is absolutely what I deserve. I'm just so sad and embarrassed and humiliated...you know, I just felt like I had finally found the perfect guy for me and all he wanted was to get laid...this whole thing just sucks...I've never rambled on so...and I just can't seem to stop crying, I'm sorry. I flipping hate this. I just hate that he didn't like me..in fact he disliked me so much so that he was intentionally mean to me...It might surprise you but I really do want to fall in love, and it's so rare that I actually meet a good candidate for such a crazy thing...so why when I do, does he never feel that way about me...I'm tired of being sick about something that I cannot control...or change...I'm going to bed
(Beg pardon...that was from a few nights ago...ehemmm...)
The final nail in the coffin was hammered home the other night while I was checking my newsfeed on dear Facebook. At first I was enraged, but then I found myself laughing. The Mystery Man had posted a status update which announced that he had completed the final stages of some silly Mafia game there on FB, and I was like, "Are you effing kidding me?" I mean, even if it was true that he'd played and won(?) the stupid computer game, why would he publicly confess to something so utterly ridiculous. But beyond that, (and I do realize that all of his FB activity is not done with me in mind) how can he in all seriousness, expect me to not feel the fool - yet again, when he's basically there admitting that all of that shit that he dumped on me about enduring an oppressive, work-related firedrill was nothing more than lip service, since he was really just pissing away the hours fucking around online. My immediate reaction was to comment on his update, "Wow! You really HAVE been busy!" But I resisted...And then...a woman (I'm guessing a work colleague, and hopefully a well-respected one, at that) commented that because of his FB update she felt that his habitual claim of being perpetually "in the trenches" was "losing credibility"...This time I did not hold my tongue (or whatever) - I remarked that she (the woman) had taken (most of) the words, right outta my mouth...I was nervous and shakey to go through with it, but I forced myself to click the "comment" button and immediately, I felt vindicated for my anger and exonerated for my suposition about M.M., thanks to a complete stranger. This effectual insight gave me that last injection of confidence that I had needed to finish writing and ultimately posting this diatribe, especially knowing that M.M. would probably wind up reading it...
I have to believe that I am doing the right thing by lambasting M.M., like I am...no matter how adored he is by his peers and whomever else. This cannot be a guy that I should stay hung up on, for lord knows, if the behavior that he has presented thus far is the best that he can offer...then I should want nothing to do with him...
I know that eventually the Mystery Man will wince with mortification as he reads my interpretation of all of this horse shit - right here in my blog...And because of that, there's this little thing that keeps running through my mind, essentially giving me the thumbs up to click the "publish post" button. What's funny, is that it's the very same thing that he said to me when he first upset the apple cart…"What? You DIDN'T think this would happen?"
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Am I the only guy who starts long-term relationships with sex on the first date?
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