Pleading the Fifth on This One...

You may find this plumb unfathomable - but for once...I really just haven't got a goddamned thing to say...

Uhhh...ya' know what? Scratch that. How 'bout this, instead...

After a quick but complicated tangle with a member of the opposite sex a few weekends ago, I'm a veritable wellspring of information. But extenuating circumstances dictate that I remain under a self-imposed gag order...so for the time being - I'm keeping it zipped...I WILL tell you this much...I have not cried over a stupid boy in absolutely ages...like maybe a year and a half or something (that's an impressive milestone if I DO say so!)...but I broke the streak...I mean, it's not like I full-on bawled my eyes out or anything...but they did fill up with water...twice last week (and then again, last night)...because of a fella.........so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it...

Eh, I know...what's with the long face, right? We're supposed to meet up here to make merry over my abundant blunders with men...And normally I am happy to oblige. But this time it's different and as much as I would love to let the cat outta the bag, I truly just cannot. And don't worry about me (ha...ha...ha) - I'm fine, really...I suspect that my wimpiness, was compounded by the untimely coincidence that my kids, as well as Curlymoe and Willow, all left town for the whole bloody week - immediately following the above inferred, Unmentionable Chaos. So on top of all of the mayhem…I've just been plain lonesome. But, since it is my unspoken obligation as a (moderately) committed blogger, to give you something more than just the above paragraph to chew on...here goes nothin'...(literally)

So, during the lull that had befallen my online dating life over the last few weeks and prior to the Unmentionable Chaos, I decided to make the most of the downtime by taking a closer look at blogging in general and investigating the scribing of other bloggers out there in cyber world...you know - just to sorta check out the competition. What I deduced is this...First of all, the chances of my Big Ugly Blog becoming the tremendously popular, thus lucrative endeavor about which I've so vividly daydreamed...are sadly...slim to none. The blogging "market" it turns out (duh) is already super-saturated with egotistical windbags, like myself - who arrogantly assume that everyone in the world should be falling all over themselves to read what only THEY have to say. But I mean think about it...who really gives a shit about some perfect stranger's rantings? Seriously.

I've decided that it's entirely possible that my stories, out of context, bear little or no relevance to anyone who doesn't actually know me. I mean naturally, I'd love to believe that someone who's never met me might still find my anecdotes amusing?...captivating?...provocative?...so much so that they bookmark the blog and anxiously await each subsequent entry (wishful thinking, eh?) But aside from the few positive reviews that I've gotten from online guys who've read and lapped up my ongoing online dating derision, I have no other real way of gauging how strangers who stumble upon it, feel about the blog. My friends check in fairly regularly, to yuck it up over my accounts of their own or mutual friends' cameo appearances in my never-ending nightmare. And I appreciate their honest opinions, even when they offer less than glowing remarks. One trusted friend informed me the other day, that she sometimes wishes I would forgo all of the frilly verbiage and shit, and just get to the friggin' point, already! And Curlymoe (also a blogger) envies my commitment to report my antics with balls-out candor (he himself hamstrung by the threat of social disgrace, dare he write nearly as explicitly as I) But kudos aside, he cautions that if I really am serious about ever ending my agonizing, perpetual quest for the man of my dreams, then certainly The Big Ugly Blog......must first die......

The Big Ugly Blog is also an avenue by which peripheral acquaintances may voyeuristically virtually rubberneck at the "crime scenes" of the neighborhood tramp and then snigger about the highlights amongst themselves, and that's fine too ('tis the nature of the game)...at least they're READING! Comprehending, though? Well, now that's a horse of a totally different color...My blog came up in a recent conversation between Curlymoe and the father of children who attend my kids' school...I loved the father's take on it, "Doesn't she just talk about all of the guys that she's fucked in her blog?" Well, yeah! But there's more to it than just that...at least I thought there was... Anyway, by now it's no secret that I am perfectly happy to forfeit my dignity for the sake of bawdy entertainment, even at the expense of my already tenuous rep. in my small community...Bottom line, I just want people to read the goddamned thing and to hopefully grin, maybe even chortle a bit...to be morbidly fascinated enough to want to come back for more...and then of course to tell all of their friends to read it, as well. HA!

But as it stands, I know better than to delude myself into thinking that anything major will ever come from my diligence to search for and produce compelling material for your pleasure...I have accepted - that at least for now - The Big Ugly Blog is essentially not much more than a public diary...a creative outlet...a glaring self-indulgence...and above all else - a labor of love...

Right. Ok, so another thing that I noticed in my investigation of fellow bloggers was - best I could tell - there aren't that many blogs out there, devoted to the ridiculously popular pastime of online dating. And the ones that I did unearth, are either now defunct or limp as hell. The Big Ugly Blog is the only one of the genre that I came across which asks the reader to please click a content warning icon in order to enter said den of iniquity...And I'm not saying that mature themes and language validate the importance or the quality of any blog, but when blogging about something inherently adult in nature, one would almost expect mature subject matter to be addressed, no? The safe, wholesome blogs were akin to advice columns and tutorials on the ABC's of online dating, and the few personal accounts that I did find - were weaker 'n shit. I just kept thinking, "Who actually dates this way?..It's soooo b o r i n g..."But all of this then raises still another couple of conundrums regarding The Big Ugly Blog...

#1). I feel as though I'm bouncing around this sort of limboland...stuck somewhere between acceptable content and unadulterated pornography. I got input from someone the other day, who suggested that I consider either cleaning up my blog a scosch...in an attempt to make it more palatable to folks who may be put off by my incessant cussing and bush-league smut, or conversely - take it to the next level by posting fullblown X-rated renderings of my stories, in order to appeal to the most warped of twisted minds. In other words - the way that I currently narrate my stories may be a tinge unsavory for the goody-goodies, but not nearly down and dirty enough for the pervs...

#2). If there are so few online dating blogs out there, then why the hell isn't mine more "searchable"? For godssakes!

Awhile back, I set up "Blogpatrol" - a blog counter which provides blog status reports. It lets me know the basics like how many hits I get (not NEARLY enough) and nifty things like from what countries my readers herald (this week: Bolivia, Australia, United Kingdom, Ireland, Germany, India and of course...the U.S.) but one of my favorite things about the Blogpatrol, is seeing all the different search engines that folks have plugged into their browsers to somehow end up at my Big Ugly Blog.

A few examples:

"meaning of "buddy"" (this one is seemingly so innocent...I worry that some unsuspecting 8 year old may have unintentionally wandered onto my blog...*gulp*)

"fall back girl" (snore)

"sex buddy definition" (warmer, warmer...)

"inurl:blogspot "content warning" latex rubber" (beg pardon?)

"online dating call me "no webcam"" (I get that)

"crush on, he had to fart" (sorry...come again?)

"fuck buddy not my type" (been there, done that)

"removed from his favorites" (no fucking comment!)

"definition of a fucking body" ("body"...NOT "buddy")

""Do you know what a milf is?" so you know what I'm asking" (oh yes honey...mama knows...)

"what is corporate COCK SADDLE" (hell if I know...)

"maiden fuck buddy" (sounds almost demure...ish)

"film mother commits suicide teenage daughter "you haven't kissed me yet"" (I just can't make any sense of this one)

"big ugly dick" (ahhh...a personal fave, naturally)

"fuck buddy vitiligo" (see "Everybody's Fall Back Girl" entry)

"SLUTDOM hypnosis" (wha?)

"unrequited love fuck buddies" (makes me almost misty...)

and finally...

"definition of fuck" (I feel almost honored when I think that the Big Ugly Blog could be considered synonymous with the very meaning of the word, "fuck"...quite a personal coup!)

Ok so yeah...this is all very entertaining and everything...and even though I'm able to make the connection between the search engines and certain specific blog entries no matter how freaking bizarre they might seem...would it be too much for me to ask to get hits from folks simply searching for: "online dating blogs"? I mean COME ON! To my knowledge, not one single soul has ever searched "online dating blogs" and ended up at The Big Ugly Blog...

Well kiddies...looks like all the fun is over...I'm back to thinking about what Curlymoe said about putting the blog to bed for the sake of finding my forever lover...I mean he's kinda got a point. What man who's read The Big Ugly Blog would ever date me? I've definitely missed out on a few sterling opportunities to meet really good guys, because of the stupid fucking thing. Additionally, in order for me to mine interesting material from the online dating wasteland, I have to be willing to do the legwork and quite frankly, I am growing tired of what that entails. It used to be thrilling to compose and send soft porn picture texts, and flattering to know that the recipient would wind up choking the chicken to my likeness. Nowadays, it just annoys me when some horndog whines ceaselessly about needing more pics.. (Although, I have to confess that I did send a couple of humdingers to a new guy, this week. But it was only to quell his incessant nagging, I swear! Well that...and the fact that I needed my ego stroked a little, ok? OK?!...Is there anything so wrong with that?!) Seriously though, more often than not these days, if someone asks for new pics., my knee-jerk reaction is to cross the fucker right off the list because obviously this is not a person interested in something long term. I know...it's taken me this long to figure that out…I really am just about as sharp as a bowling ball...

Also...I am totally unmotivated (lately) to doink random young bucks justa have something meaty to write. I was face to face with a golden opportunity the other night, but I just wasn't feelin' it.

I've been talking to No Car and a couple of new guys pretty regularly, but mostly just to fill the void that the Unnmentionable Chaos created...No Car and the others seem nice enough and all, but the problem is - once I get a particular guy stuck in my head, it's terribly difficult for me to get excited about any of the others...I'm hardheaded that way. It's second nature for me to fixate on an impossible crush...to make the target out in my mind to be the end all be all and the absolute focus of all of my energy to the exclusion of more practical choices. As torturous as they can be, the impossible crushes entertain and protect me in a weird kinda way...by fueling my vivid imagination (and we all know how much fun THAT can be, mmmhmmm), by acting as the dangling carrot that keeps me singleminded (if only temporarily as well as unrealistically) in my quest for my perfect partner, but also - by virtue of the fact that these crushes rarely ever come to fruition - I am safe from suffering the disappointment that might occur, should we meet and not gel...It happened with Mr. Dreamy...and then the Mystery Man...and even though I've met him...and we definitely gelled...there is literally nothing that I can do about my impossible crush on that godforsaken Unmentionable Chaos...

Anyway, my tummy hurts. Please excuse me whilst I continue to wallow in self-pity until the next irresistible opportunity to make another abhorrible choice either snaps me out of or exacerbates my funk...or...I simply fade into oblivion...