The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Smoke 'Em if Ya' Got 'Em...

I couldn't tell you exactly how long it's been since the last time I pressed myself up against a man...I mean, if I had to guess - I'd say it's been close to a month, although it's likely been longer than that. But even more disconcerting than the sudden downturn in my once dependable string of liaisons, is the fact that I haven't been bothered at all, by my recent sexual drought...(and I do have a pulse, cuz I checked)

In the past, I would've seen - not getting laid for such an exasperatingly long period of time - as indicative of an indefinite cessation of my once active social life, the harrowing side-effects of which could portend the untimely demise of my beloved blog...which historically would've caused me to panic. But for some strange reason, I haven't been the slightest bit unnerved by my fact, I've been rawther productive in the interim. The irony is - it's by my own doing that these last few weeks have been uncharacteristically quiet, namely because I've passed on multiple opportunities to fool around with two guys in specific...both of whom have put a significant amount of pressure on me to spend time with them...(*sigh*)...UH-gin. I do indeed have a sexual history (spanning varying lengths of time) with both men, but neither has me terribly motivated to wanna add to the annals of said histories. In this entry I'll explain what caused my eventual torpor in regards to the first of the two men...

A few weeks ago, following the disappointing Imposter debacle, I broke one of my cardinal rules when I agreed to go out with a (young) man who lives within close proximity to my home. I normally try to avoid dating guys from around here, for obvious reasons including: eliminating the potential for the "pop-in" and/or stalking, as well as the awkwardness that accompanies bumping into an old fling on the street, or at the store, especially if things happened to have ended badly. Against my better judgement, and partially out of boredom, plus financial woes and car troubles having suspended the luxury of leaving town for a date - I decided to pencil the Marlboro Man into what would've otherwise been, another empty Monday Night Date slot. I opted - helter-skelter - for a quick and easy date fix, over the sensible alternative of politely regretting a local fella's invitation to meet up...

Yes, young Marlboro Man and I had a pleasant enough time and yes, we hooked up - BIG surprise. But I skipped writing about him immediately following our date, because at the time I was still heavily embroiled in fleshing out the deets of the Imposter, there really wasn't that much to tell...just that we met at a nearby bar, he's got interesting taste in music, I liked that he drinks and he smokes, we went back to my place, guzzled one final cocktail, and used up all of the condoms he'd brought...c'est tout...

So the next Monday, when he texted to see if I was busy and if I wasn't did I want to hang out, I was less than enthusiastic for a whole host of reasons. First off, there would be no thrilling element of surprise...I'd already learned as much as I needed to know about him. Additionally, I was completely up to my neck with my writing and my weekly self-portrait assignment, not to mention I was dealing with those painful injuries to my foot and my seriously - how the hell was I gonna be worth a good goddamn, with a freshly broken fibula and heel? Perhaps most damning of all though, was something the Marlboro Man had said at the end of our first date....which had me nervous that he might be in the market for a long term(ish) romance...uh oh...

As we lay in bed recovering from the morning installment of our premier stab at carnal knowledge with one another, the Marlboro Man shattered the silence with, "Mmmm...this is gonna be a FUN Summer ;)" Now to the naked ear, that might sound sorta sweet...not a threatening statement at all, right? But to someone like me - who these days recoils from anything remotely resembling a relationship - it screeched in my head like fuckin' nails on a chalkboard. In all honesty, it kinda freaked me out. I hadn't pictured us together any further into the future than up until he left to go home...

While on that first date with the Marlboro Man, I did the courteous thing by coming clean about my blog, and as I explained the general gist of what I write, I expected him to want to know more. But he asked me nothing...just kinda stared at me blankly, and so it was no skin off my back to drop the subject altogether. I did not however, cut corners when emphatically stressing that I had zero interest in striking up anything long term, with him or anyone else - which was why I was so startled by his nod to the notion that - now that we'd found each other - Summer would be so...much...more...FUN! I was there thinking, "Dude, don't even think about pinning that shit on me. I did not sign up to be your activities coordinator." (Lord knows I'm spread thin, as it is)

After waffling back and forth over whether to let the Marlboro Man come over again or not, a bevy of factors cast the swing vote...One: he had offered to bring a bunch of cd's that he thought I might like to hear (cool)...Two: despite my bum leg I figured, "Eh, how badly could it hurt to have sex?"...Three: seemed sorta mean to refuse him, with no real scheduling conflict to blame...and Four: even though I would've preferred to spend the evening fondling my computer keyboard, I reminded myself that if I kept up with all of the silly shut-in nonsense, I would eventually run out of stories to tell. My ambivalence towards the Marlboro Man had me nowhere near desirous of another visit, and yet I said he could come over anyway...

I think part of my problem is that I've become so insatiably addicted to habitually craving a taste of the unfamiliar, that if I have even an inkling that the best I can expect is a homogenous version of the first so-so date, then (in the absence of anyone new on the horizon) I'd rather spend my time all alone, doing something that I'm certain I'll enjoy...such as writing or wanking or working on my pics.. So when I caved and gave the Marlboro Man a second chance to visit, and it turned out to be a near carbon copy of the first, I was completely convinced that it would also be his last...and then he did something to set that in stone.

Immediately upon waking up in the morn, the Marlboro Man jumped out of bed with a start. Without explanation he threw on some clothes, frantically flew down the stairs and then returning to my room after maybe 10 minutes, he disrobed and lay down on top of me. Now it made sense, I could smell it on his breath. He'd gone outside (before sex, mind) to have a smoke - at 7 goddamn 30 in the morning...WTF?!

The whole time he kissed me I was completely grossed out by the lingering stench of that early morning cigarette, as it seeped out of his mouth and his nose, which - coming from a smoker, might sound hypocritical - but I mean come ON! Even I don't crave a ciggy when there's still sleep in my eyes. Furthermore, I always take a pull off the Listerine bottle before kissing a lover in the morning. I couldn't even imagine brazenly belching cigarette pollution directly into his mouth, first thing. What do you think? I mean, is it just me? Or is that shit seriously fucking weird...weird AND rude...weird and rude and disgusting! I'm here to tell ya', I was so repulsed by the whole ordeal that I vowed to quit smoking then and there...and I did! Of course that only lasted for about 24 hours...but still, you get what I'm sayin'.

It gets better though, see - after the deed was done, we went downstairs to set a spell before saying goodbye and all that. I made a pot of coffee, asked if he'd like a cup and he said, "Nah, I might just have a beer instead...that ok?"...that's right, he wanted - a 8:30 on a Tuesday morning, neato.........I told him, "You're an adult, you can do as you please. You don't have to ask me for permission" Meanwhile I thought, "Just don't expect to be invited back..." Ok, so by this point I'd decided to not only quit smoking, but to also quit drinking, as well...

As the Marlboro Man hugged me goodbye (for what I knew would be the very last time) I reminded him that he'd left his cd's upstairs. "Oh right, no biggie. I'll just grab 'em when I come back the next time"...ah yes, the old collateral trick...a most effective strategy for ensuring at least one more future visit...I picked up on his transparent scheme right away, but was in such a big hurry for him to beat feet on outta there, that I decided I'd deal with it later.

After enduring several subsequent weeks of the Marlboro Man's increasingly urgent texts, all but pleading with me to see him again (that kind of desperation, in case you didn't know - does literally nothing to help a guy's cause) I finally stopped coming up with excuses for why I couldn't, and suggested he go check out my blog. I told him he'd learn all he needed to know about the way that I operate these days and went on to confess that I rarely stick with any one man for long, since I'm compulsively driven to inject my life and my blog with an infusion of new men and the ensuing experiences. Consequently, I now accept if after meeting a guy, I find I'm anything but completely blown away, it would be silly to bother with repeat engagements solely for the sake of decent sex. And lemme tell ya', over those four idle weeks (post Marlboro Man) I was perfectly content to cozy up with my Mac, to the exclusion of everyone else.....

Not knowing him well, and therefore - how he'd react to my decision to stub our (brief) thing out, along with his knowledge of as well as easy access to where I live, I'll admit that I did fret over how easy it would be for him to make my life living Hell, should he choose. But he's respected my privacy and kept to himself...even though his cd's are still here... man down, and another to go...but after THAT Ima get to the good schtuff...Oh cuz see, since extinguishing the thing with the Marlboro Man, and after 30 days of self-sanctioned celibacy, but before I got around to completing this entry - I've seen a substantial rise in the number of warm bodies around here.........and all is right once again, in my Big Ugly World.........


  1. Glad to see Marlboro didn't go nuts like Matchstick! Just old is Marlboro? Anxiously awaiting your next blog post with the good schtuff!

  2. it wrong of me, or is it okay to laugh?

  3. @Mr. Fancy Pants! Jeez - what tha HAIL took me so damned long to respond?! Sooo...Marlboro Man is 30...and I apologize for the delay in posting a new entry...Dear LORD, may I get one up - sometime this WEEK!

    @Gonzo - Honey, if you DIDN'T laugh - I would worry that there might be something seriously wrong with you...Go 'head...getcher laugh on, mister! (thanks so much for reading, btw!)

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  5. Waiting with bated breath!

  6. it's been a long while since i checked out your blog. looks like it fizzled out. did somebody stumble upon Mr. Right? haha

  7. Nice to know someone will talk about their sexual history.