The Big Ugly Blog is an honest and uncensored collection of anecdotes recounting the madcap shenanigans of a perpetually 39 year old divorcee, as she wades through the mire of the murky online dating pool - ravenously searching (evidently in vain) for the man of her dreams...Keep On Dreaming, Baby!


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Everybody's Fall-Back Girl

I mentioned in the last entry, a banal date I had a couple of Tuesdays ago with the "Outlaw in Peru" (as he described himself) and I now realize that this date, easily the least exciting one of all time, is barely worth the effort of retelling, it was that insignificant. I will say that the guy was a bit of a freakazoid. In one of the first e-mails he ever sent to me, he boasted that he had seduced many women with his sensuous trombone playing (was he for real? I mean, Flamenco guitar - yes, maybe...but the trombone? Me thinks not) and that he had written many award-winning operas...(Did he actually expect me to believe that shit?) Anyway, his comically contrived personality coupled with my insatiable inclination to make really bad choices was what motivated me to agree to meet him. We settled on my suggestion to grab a cuppa Joe at a bookstore rather than doing yoga at the public library which was oddly, his idea of a sensible first date.

As soon as I spied him entering the building I got this really creepy feeling, like a sickeningly sour stomach. I can't put my finger on what exactly it was about him that just didn't sit right with me. He wasn't totally unattractive, not necessarily my type and a tad bit short, but he seemed fit and his face was fine. He did have heinous breath which knocked me back a little when we introduced ourselves. Another problem that I had with him was that once we got settled at a table and began chatting, I quickly realized that I didn't understood one thing that he was saying to me - every utterance was gobbledygook. I think he was attempting to sound esoteric and philosophical but each nonsensical comment that dribbled from his mouth was absolute crap, whole sentences went right over my head, and I consider myself somewhat with it. I seriously think he was concocting his own made-up language as he went along but since I wasn't all that interested in him or what he was trying to say, I didn't bother to ask him to clarify. I just nodded and said a lot of , "Hmmm"'s. Fortunately for me, he was enormously taken with himself, so he didn't really need me as a captive audience, anyway. After enduring an hour and a half of his drivel, I lied and said that I had a dental appointment and that I needed to get. He hugged me and that was that. Pretty boring, really...

About a week after my date with the "Outlaw in Peru" he texted me some nonsense about the site on which we had met and a girl on the site who was stalking him and how he was worried because she could have seen my number in an e-mail and that she might try to bother me. He told me that the girl had "hijacked" his page, but I seriously had no idea what that even meant. Once again, he had totally lost me with his bizarre rambling. Here's the weirdest part...just a minute ago, I went into my inbox to look for the "sensuous trombone" e-mail so that I might reference it in this entry and best I can tell, the "Outlaw in Peru" has up and vanished. All of the messages that he had sent to me had evaporated. Usually even if someone deletes their profile, the mail that they have sent remains in your inbox and there is just a little blank spot where their username used to be. Not so with his account, all of the notes that he had sent to me were gone along with his username. So I searched his name and it said that he had closed his account on Jan. 1, 2008. That's just not possible. We only ever communicated through that site and we met in person after exchanging e-mails for only a few days. His account had to have been active several weeks into January. I don't get it...maybe he's...a ghost...yeah, a ghost! That would explain why I could never understand a word that he said...he was talking to me in some sort of spooky specter speak...or maybe he really is just an outlaw...

After I punctuated my last blog entry by glibly dropping the bomb about Bill's mysterious make-up, I can say with absolute confidence that it was a glaringly insensitive bumble. I guess the best way that I can describe how I've been feeling since the unfortunate incident, is mostly like a sack of shit. Monday morning, after not hearing from Bill even one time over the weekend, I got a text from him which simply read, "Google search "vitiligo"" and even though I wasn't 100% sure what it even was, I was fairly certain that it was some sort of skin malady, per the situation at hand. Immediately I knew that he must have read my blog, even though he had promised that he wouldn't. This meant that he had to have also read my comment about how his make-up had made my stomach hurt and I surmised that this text was his way of trying to help me understand why he needed to wear it, and consequently - I was nothing short of mortified! I paced, zombielike around the room, repeating, "Shit, shit, shit" - all of my insides were churning hot and fast. I didn't know what to do or what to say or if I should say anything to him at all, or if I could even muster up the courage to ever talk about this with Bill or anyone else...ever. I just felt sick and sicker because I'd been so hasty and stupid and he definitely didn't deserve to be treated that way. I got another text from him later in the day and I simply could not bring myself to open it...for like 4 hours. I couldn't bear to read one more word regarding this uncomfortable predicament...I really just wanted the whole thing to go away and I wanted to disappear, completely. I finally texted back to say that I thought I might just crawl under a rock and stay there, indefinitely...and that's pretty much what I've done. Here is this perfectly decent guy with a legitimate reason to use concealer on his face, and yet I had let myself run with the misguided notion that he wore make-up because of vanity or something else completely ridiculous like that, despite the fact that after I had blabbed on and on about it to my friends, they had conjectured and encouraged me to believe that he must've had a logical excuse for applying it. I'm all jumbled up about the whole thing...this little snag has put a halt on the momentum of our exciting beginning. I can't seem to reclaim that initial ooomph and the reason for that is nothing other than sheer embarrassment on my part. I am too much of a chicken to confront him about the matter, even though he left a voice mail in which he stated - in the kindest most sincere voice - that he wasn't upset with me, that he had never been upset with me. God! I'm such a wuss! I talk to myself about it (I can't talk to Frances about it anymore, she is so blown away by what a cold bitch I can be. I am just too ashamed, plus it would be futile of me to try and rationalize my irrational behavior to her, how could I?) This little hiccup - the sudden pause in our forward motion - gave me time to realize that there are several things working against Bill's and my chance for success, outside of the make-up misunderstanding. Since retreating from him, I reminded myself that I really do not want to get involved with a native of my ex-husband's hometown, even taking into account the fact that Bill does seem to be a great guy with a lot of qualities that I like, and he made it pretty clear that he doesn't care at all about what other people say or think. I've talked a bit about this before, of my moderately strong desire to meet a man from out of town, which might keep my personal life slightly more anonymous (sort of a silly thing to say, considering I write about every single facet of my love life and post it on a public forum, but oh well). Since my divorce, I have carved my own, little niche in a neighboring town, but around my ex-husband's hometown I am thought of as something of a scorpion woman, by many folks for various reasons which I do not feel like divulging right now. Let's just say that to drag another of their local boys down my selfish, destructive, sordid path, could prove to be the final nail in the coffin...death by social suicide. I was admittedly uncomfortable the other day when Bill and I met for lunch, kissing hello and goodbye, right out there in the open on the pedestrian mall in the heart of Old Town. I am not a bashful person, generally, but I did not like feeling so exposed that day. There are just too many familiar faces, downtown - wandering around and peering out of shop windows and restaurants, and I am not the least bit motivated to provide further fuel for my naysayers' fire. Additionally, I believe that Bill doesn't deserve to be the victim of possible future slander within my blog, lord knows I have zero self-control in this area. He is a quality guy and I can't bear the thought of him slogging through the bullshit backlash that so often goes along with hanging out with me. And on top of that, the thought of locking myself into any sort of boyfriend/girlfriend scenario or regular dating at all - kinda freaks me out, right now. I'm getting pretty used to this bachelorette shit, I am terribly comfortable in my independence, these days. I embrace my status as a self-proclaimed online dating junkie and I don't see any signs of my terrible addiction dissipating anytime soon. Frances keeps reminding me that it would be ok for me to "date" (but not fuck) multiple guys at a time, because I can and I should. I understand that but I don't think that I am capable of effectively pulling it off. I believe that I am truly a one man at a time, kinda gal, even if that means one date only with fifteen different guys in a row.

I don't gut tells me that the thing with Bill was a classic case of catch and release...I was pleasantly surprised when he just appeared there before me, but after studying him for a brief period, I felt that it would be selfish of me to take him home and eat him up. Heartless as it may sound, I feel I have no other choice but to toss him back into the dating pool and recast my line...

So, I guess my punishment for dissin' Bill is the absurdly large pile of garbage that has been continually dumped on me all week long. There was a resounding theme amid my online dating antics and it was definitely not my favorite...

My despair over my callous treatment of Bill shifted to unbridled fury when just about every major asshole with whom I've ever been in contact reappeared to try and rekindle the fire with me, and I spent the better part of my week violently cross. The first perpetrator was a guy I mentioned a few entries back, I call him Angry Elf. He is a much younger dude who lives nearby and every time he contacts me he opens conversation with something like, "Come to my apartment and let's watch a movie" to which I always reply, "I will not meet you at your apartment, if you want me to come see you, then it will have to be in a public place" and he always gets raving mad and starts typing his IM's to me in all capital letters, almost like he's yelling at me. I hate it. I have never seen someone's temper more effectively demonstrated in simple written word. Once I was like, "Damn! You're an angry little elf, aren't you?" and he shouted, "YES!!!!" Scary...I have no idea why I ever still talk to him, he's got definite anger management issues. Must be the fact that he is phenomenally G O R G E O U S ! This week, when he tried to sleaze his way into my good graces as well as my pants, we went through the same tiring rigamarole about me coming to his apartment. I droned on as usual, about how I was looking for a quality, long term relationship and NOT some scuzzy booty call and he said that he doesn't date old gals like me (such a sweetheart!) that the girls he dates are usually 18 - 24. I said, "You talk to me as if I should consider it my duty to be your personal Pro, or something" and he comforted me by saying, "Oh, don't worry, there won't be any money exchanged" Neat. So I said, "Well, it's obvious that we're looking for two totally different things, might be better for you to call on one of your 18 year olds to service your needs" to which he responded with, "JUST COME TO MY APARTMENT!" and I said, "Stop yelling at me, you get so mad! I am not gonna come see you, cuz you're gonna be mean to me!" and I closed out my IM screen after he followed up with, "YEAH, BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DIFFICULT!"

Next there was the ever-refreshing Big D who churlishly disregards each adamant "NO!" that I fling at his pathetic pleas for me to come and see him. As you know, I ultimately gave him the boot once I found out that he was married and I have consistently maintained a frosty disposition in our rare and brief conversations. His new angle, which I guess in his mind justifies staying in contact with me, is that we should still meet, see if we have chemistry and once we discover (his predicted) undeniable attraction to one another - he, myself and his wife, can all live out his fantasy of having a threesome. DOUBLE NO! I gotta tell ya', conversation with Big D is the epitome of exasperation. He is beyond obstinate and his egregious pushiness sends me into an unprecedented state of choler. Finally, the other night, after ignoring several days worth of his desperate IM'ing, I decided to shut his ass down once and for all. He was clearly bombed out of his thick skull and I didn't hesitate to berate him for being a shitty husband and a scumbag. Tuning me out completely, he begged for me to turn on my webcam, "C'mon, I just wanna see your smile, I know I'll never have you...just turn on your cam" I suggested that he IM his beautiful wife and have her turn on her webcam and please leave me the fuck alone, and do you know what he had the gall to say? He said that his wife can't use a computer because she has no hands.........What a cocksucker! It was official - I absolutely detested the retarded troglodyte and from that moment on all that I would say to him was, "Turn on YOUR cam" I don't even really know why...perhaps some sort of subconscious reverse psychology thing, I dunno. Anyway, he finally acquiesced and I am here to tell you that I was completely disgusted by his goofy face and his plastered-on self-impressed smile, which, by my estimation, was nothing short of obnoxious and imbecilic. I HATED how he looked and I was so glad that I had never wasted my time and gas to drive an hour and a half only to discover that the loathsome blockhead wasn't even physically attractive. I closed out the webcam window and refused to reopen it no matter how many times he pitifully pleaded with me to do so. I was so done with that dolt, FOR GOOD! And it felt terrific! Oh wait, there was one more small incident...The next day, Big D IM'd me to apologize for being such a boor the night before, blaming his infantile behavior on "too much Scotch" - which I totally disregarded. But then I accidentally sent an IM to Big D which I had actually meant to send to a new guy whom I'd met over the weekend. All that it said was, "I just sent you some pics." Well, dontcha just know that Big D got all excited and replied with, "You did?! Oh Great!" I extinguished his elation by simply saying, "Sorry, wrong person" His response? "DAMN!"

Simultaneous to being subjected to Big D's inanity, I was tolerating IM's from Speedo, who I relished ignoring completely...and Christopher, the young guy from DC who was so forthright with me when we first met awhile back, about his sexual needs and wants and his curiosity about my predilections. I don't know if you remember, but right around Christmastime, he up and disappeared, without any warning at all. He removed me from his favorites list and simply never communicated with me again. Back then, I remember wondering what the hell I'd done to cause such an abrupt dismissal from his life, it felt, well...yucky. So now, he's back - lucky me! And the fucker acts like he has the right to just pick up where we left off. His presumptuousness made me positively fit to be tied. I mean how dare he saunter back into my sphere and start insisting that I describe to HIM all of the ways that I would want him to probe me with his peener, 6 ways to Sunday! You know what? Christopher fully blew his chance with me. (It's so funny to me how quickly I can change my tune about a guy who originally, I found so beguiling - once I've been even a little bit burned) He weakly apologized for having bailed on me and then chastised me for being incapable of getting over it and not allowing myself to get excited about him all over again. I told him that if he just would've explained it to me at the time, than I would have had no problem getting reacquainted with him now. I am a big girl and I could have handled the fact that he had met someone. In fact, I would've wished him well. Hell - we had no real ties to each other at that time. Christopher offends me in the worst kind of way, there is nothing sexy or cute about the way he acts like he deserves to be adored. Yeah, so he says he's got a great job and all and a beautiful home in an expensive neighborhood in DC and he's relatively handsome, but that doesn't mean that I should have to fawn all over him just because his last twist flew the coop and he's urgently looking to get laid. The pompous asshole kept me IM'ing me til like 2:30 in the morning - hashing and rehashing the same ole horse shit. After insisting that I had no interest in a casual hook-up, that I was looking for a real bf, and that I WANTED TO GO TO BED! he would infuriate me further by saying things like, "Well, if I drove all the way to where you live to meet you, would you make it worth my while, would you let me do it in that tight ass?"...AAAARRRGGGHHHH! You are just not hearing me, man!

We finally left it that I would call him the next day and we could decide then if we would hang out or not...(I already knew that it wasn't EVER gonna happen, but I really just needed to end the conversation) He gave me his number which I did not write down and in the middle of his endless badgering I wrote, "I'm signing off now" but he still kept hounding I typed, "3", then "2", then "1" and then I closed my IM screen.

Mr. Cynical has been poking around, and sexual deviate extraordinaire Soldier Boy Jack has reared his sick and twisted head a couple of times, to no avail. Even cheeky, young Ryan from way the heck back in July (see the "Never a Dull Moment" entry) made an unwanted and typically rude appearance when he IM'd me and simply asked "Horny?" I said, "Nope" and he asked, "Do you wanna be?" and I told him to go to hell, in so many words...But probably most disappointing was when my good buddy and confidant, Better Jimmy, with whom I talk on the phone (just as friends) several times each week - had the audacity to ask if I wanted to help him rise from the ashes of his string of dating disasters by coming up to visit him so we could screw...Et tu Brute?

About the only asshole who hasn't come around to bother me is Mark...but it's not like I ever expect to hear from him again. I did laugh a little at his random choice for a new profile pic. when he posted a photo of two slices of pizza on a paper plate. I had no idea what that was all about, but I found it strangely amusing along with the way that he would change his status to say things like, "playin' the ponies" or, "right now my asshole itches" or my mostly favorite one of all, "I am administering a self-colonic" Asshole or not, he is undeniably funny but besides that even, I feel he deserves mad props for not following the herd and making me HIS fall-back girl, as well.

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